fight or flight no more

I awoke this morning with the lingering emotional residue of 2 dreams last night. Both involved a person I deeply care about. Let’s call this person Sam. In the first dream, Sam acted very selfishly, which affected a group of us negatively. In the second dream, Sam confessed to a seriously bad decision and situation, but first Sam “buttered me up” with affection and hugs and also got us out in public so that I couldn’t respond genuinely, i.e., Sam attempted to manipulate me. 

When I journaled my dreams, I realized that in real life I possess a lot of fear around Sam. Sam has incredible beauty and light within, but has struggled over the last few years, teetering on both ends of the spectrum in good vs. bad decision-making. 

I recognized that my response to Sam’s bad decisions is either to blow up in anger or shut down emotionally in fear.  Neither response is how I want to be. What I would like to create is the ability to be present with Sam’s mistakes, which to me means to listen without judgment or fear, to be clear in my mind rather than cloudy, and to be able to offer words of wisdom from a place of peace as well as detachment from outcome.

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I had an appointment with my PT. She is absolutely thrilled that I am bleeding again after 3 1/2 years! She congratulated me on choosing to come back to life again.

While she was doing energy work on my abdominal area, I tuned within, sending gratitude, light and healing to my reproductive organs and to all of my body. Then out of nowhere, the 2 dreams about Sam entered my mind, so I shared them. (Logically, my dreams seemed unrelated to my bleeding and the energy work she was doing, but I trust what shows up, even when my mind tells me its random, unrelated or even crazy. I have learned through experience that there are no coincidences.)

She made a connection for me: my two responses to Sam’s mistakes (blow up or close down) are examples of how my sympathetic nervous system responds to fear - either through FIGHT or FLIGHT. (I responded the same way initially with my heavy bleeding.)

She talked me through a body looping exercise, guiding me to a tool to self-regulate my nervous system. I believe that with this exercise and my awareness, when in the face of fear, instead of unconsciously fighting or fleeing, I will be able to consciously create the presence, clarity of mind and peace that I desire to create.

Looping (between place in body holding fear and neutral place in body)

Sit comfortably in chair with feet grounded on floor and feeling sit bones in chair

Close eyes and take two deep breaths

Locate where in my body I feel the fear, anger, panic 

Stay in the fear location and go deeper/investigate/bring heightened awareness with these inquiries:

where is the lower boundary of the fear?

stronger on the right side or left side?

is it deep or surface?

is it moving or is it still?

Next focus attention on a neutral body part, either my feet or sit bones, and ask similar questions:

feel all the parts of my feet: my toes, my outside edges, my inside edges, my arches. 

what part of my feet are most connected to the floor? 

is the connection surface or sinking into the floor?

Return to the fear location, asking the original questions. Notice any changes from my first attention there. (The fear/panic was significantly lessened.)

Return to feet awareness another time.

The idea is not about relaxing and breathing away the fear/panic but to allow/permit my body to feel it without fighting it/resisting it (what we resist persists!) or fleeing from it so that my body can learn to be present in fear and process it.

When I went back to my fear location the second time, I let my PT know that my mind chatter kicked in. Although the fear and panic were diminished, my mind chimed in with fearful thoughts. 

She advised me that when this occurs, to allow the critical thoughts, but at the same time to bring attention back to my neutral location and then to visualize my thoughts as distinct from my body, basically severing the connection between my fearful thinking and my body. I was able to then observe my fearful thoughts with curiosity instead permitting my thoughts to amp my nervous system with more fear.

Very cool!!