jumping Jenice- ha!

Made a strawberry cake today to bring to dinner at a friend’s tonight. After pouring the batter into the pan, I repetitively lifted the pan an inch or so off the counter and dropped it to make all the air bubbles come to the surface and pop, just like my mom taught me. Made me laugh thinking about the blog I posted early this morning...maybe I need to jump rope or do some jumping jacks to shake up all my fear pockets to the surface and POP! Wahoo!

fear pockets

Throughout their lives, I have told my children that there is no scarcity, that scarcity is not real but merely a fabrication of fearful thoughts and feelings. Yet I am still discovering that I hold onto this fear even in the face of abundance. Although scarcity is not a predominant feeling of mine, I seem to tuck it away in little fear pockets that get triggered by seemingly innocuous events, diminishing my well being. 

Grace is a freshman in high school this year and is our only child to play high school sports. Her foremost goal in basketball this year was to swing from JV to varsity. She has met her goal and I am so elated for her! Yet I still hold fear around this accomplishment. Will she get any play time in the varsity game? If she does get time, will she play well enough for the coach to keep her in or to put her in the next time? 

This is CRAZY FEARFUL thinking on my part!!! And, of course, it has absolutely nothing to do with Grace! She is a superb athlete with a tremendous work ethic and she is always focused on bettering her skills. She is in flow. She is an active participant in her journey.

I was at lunch yesterday with a friend when I received a text from Mason that he probably won’t be booked for a Disney movie for which he had been put on hold. My energy immediately sank. Literally, a wave of despair, frustration, sadness, scarcity consumed me and it took incredible effort for me to stay mentally present with my friend. I just wanted to shrink and cry. (I am so embarrassed to admit this.)

Again, unfounded, illusory fear has its tight grip on me. Mason too is in flow on his journey in the entertainment industry. So many beautiful experiences and people have come into his life on this path. So many “successes.” Confirmation after confirmation. 

What’s up with me? Honestly, I am not sure, as fear disorients me. Do I hold unrealistic expectations of perfection? Do I view a “no” as failure? Do I lack complete trust and faith in Spirit, the Universe, to serve our highest good? Most likely, yes, yes, and yes. 

 I no longer wish to converse with my fear from my head, rationalizing and talking myself out of fear. This approach is merely a temporary fix. Mental reasoning doesn’t eliminate my fear (although I am not discounting the importance of awareness of my fear), but only sets it aside until it surfaces again in a similar situation. Instead, I wish to eliminate fearful thinking and feeling from my being for good, for my good.

Part of the splendor in eating a warm, crusty french baguette, is relishing in the soft chewy inside. Where is the splendor when you slice a piece and the interior is hollow because of an air pocket? I am ready for my celebration and joy of life to be solid and consistent and full, without fear pockets scattered throughout. It is time for me to shake my fear pockets to the surface and release them to Spirit, to the light, to Truth. I am ready to be a student of my own teaching...abundance is abundant!

(PS Jenice - All is well and perfect in this adventure of journeying through life.)

home again

Life has thrown me off kilter this last month and a half. I have been fragile, fearful, a crying mess, withdrawn.... I am better now, stronger, thanks to prayer and my connection with Spirit. Thank you God, thank you my guides, my angels, Christ Consciousness, Mother Earth for your loving support, strength, guidance, healing, insight and peace. Thank you for hope. Thank you for the knowing that all is well.

2012 feels like a year of potential for powerful growth. I am grateful to be present on earth during this time of great change, shifting and healing that is affecting us individually and collectively. I hope to maintain presence and connection through the good and the not so good. I can with the loving assistance of Source/Spirit. Blessed Be.