giving thanks this Thanksgiving

The song of my heart exults in gratitude for...

~ Trey, my beloved, and especially for the light in your eyes when you look at me.

~ abundance. Thank you God for abundance being the natural state, so that when I catch myself entertaining the idea of scarcity, I can return to knowing.

~ bankruptcy (to my own amazement!). It’s like going to the dentist, but on a bigger scale. I dread going to the dentist, yet I am grateful that there are dentists. Likewise, I am dreading the process of bankruptcy, yet I am grateful for the opportunity of a clean financial slate. 

~ Movement Mass and NIA. It has taken me almost 50 years to unleash creative, expressive, freestyle movement, and I am experiencing myself in a completely new way.

~ our children. Thank you, thank you, thank you for choosing me as your mother. I am blessed and truly humbled by your presence in my life. (Connor just came home from NU tonight!! Mason is completing a couple of college applications. And Gracie has a basketball tournament this weekend.)

~ my earthly support network. Network Chiropractic (Peter and Amy), acupuncture (Stacey), body/emotional processing work (Janet), massage (Michelle and Brandy), energy work and spiritual counseling (Denise). My mind, body and spirit continue to heal with your compassionate assistance.

~ my parent’s and mother-in-law. They are all still present on this planet and in decent health. I do not take this for granted.

~ my Spirit support network and Mother Earth. My heart is full with love for you and from you.

~ my dear friends and my extended family. You all enrich my life.

~ my healthy body. Yes! I cherish all of the experiences this masterful creation allows me.

~ Oreo. Although I can lose my patience with your barking, I appreciate you for getting me outside for our walks, for staying in bed for as long as I am in it, and for the tender daily moments of bringing me back to presence.

~ hope, love, kindness, beauty, creativity, possibilities...God and His/Her creation.

Thanks I give, I receive, I am.

Thanks-giving, thanks-receiving, thanks-being. 

power struggles

I have continued to focus on the idea of living more authentically and in my power. Of course, I am most fully me with family and close friends and in environments I deem “safe” to express myself. But I am observing in myself the tendency to hide behind a protective shield with other people and in normal day to day environments. Here are a few recent situations in my and my family’s lives that are helping me to realign how I live out in the world and define myself.

~At a recent Movement Mass, I completely went into myself and moved/danced more creatively, more openly, more from my heart and authentically than I have ever moved before. It was profound to experience movement without self-consciousness or limitation or boundaries. I was open and alive and in the moment and it felt as if I merged with the music. And then in the closing circle, women blatantly avoided standing next to me or holding my hand. I was devastated. I had believed that this was a safe environment and had let down my guard, and then I experienced rejection.

Over the next few days, I went through several stages before finding my power again: uncontrollable crying to release the hurt, questioning what I had done wrong and could do differently the next time, deciding to enter the Mass the next time friendlier and with the goal of connecting with others, and then anger at the idea that I had to win over others and seek their acceptance when we are all there to connect more deeply with ourselves and to experience ourselves more fully. Ultimately, I realized (remembered) that other people’s issues (and I can only guess what their issues were - jealousy, feeling threatened, thinking that I think that I am better than them?...who the hell knows!!) are their issues, not mine, and I don’t have to take them on or allow them to impact me. 

Through this experience, I also saw my own issues more clearly. Only shedding my protective shield in situations that I feel are safe shows me that I possess insecurity. Authentic power is pure no matter the environment, people or situation. I also struggle with the issue of rejection.  If I had been solidly in my power, I could have observed other’s issues without any correlation to me. Instead, their issues triggered mine! Funny how life works.

~This last weekend in LA, Mason had a similar experience to my Movement Mass one. His foundation was rattled when he learned that there are a couple of young choreographers in LA that don’t like him, spreading rumors that he is arrogant and a jerk, yet they don’t even know him. Although we have learned from friends already in LA that there is a lot of drama and pettiness in the dance scene, Mason was shaken by the idea that his name and reputation are being tarnished and he doesn’t even live there yet! Mason is a sensitive soul, and believe me, the farthest thing from arrogant. My advice to him is just to continue working hard and to be himself and there will be people mature enough to see him for who and what he is. If some people judge him without knowing him, that is their issue, not his.  (Of course, I am teaching what I need to learn!)

~We are filing bankruptcy soon. Not too long ago, I would have struggled with sharing this situation with others because of the negative stigmas of shame and embarrassment. Yet, I know that my husband and I are good, honest people who have been tripped up by a poor economy. The bank who loaned Trey the money for his investment business has categorized him as a bad guy. And I am guessing that there will be a lot more of that within the bankruptcy proceedings. This is a wonderful opportunity, though not a fun one, for us to practice staying centered, grounded and solid in the knowing of who we are at the core.

No doubt, the journey to authentic power to be continued....

authentic power

What would my life be like if I chose to be in my power in every moment? 

I think that for the most part I live day to day in my power, and then I have an experience where I am more fully in my authentic power and see the distinction. This last weekend was one of those times. I helped assist at a transformational workshop called Business & You. I was a participant in this workshop 8 years ago. Both experiences, as a participant and an assistant, helped me to look deeper within and to discover my self more completely.

Within this workshop, a safe environment is created supporting the participants to tap into their hearts and their emotions and allow for the possibility of positive shifts and change, profound aha’s and self-discovery, and dramatic transformation. I observed myself easily letting down my guard and stepping into presence and my power. It was a beautiful and natural experience for me to energetically hold the space for other’s metamorphosis and renewal. I was able to sense the energy of others, and at times see their energy fields, and my being was highly energized in the process.

Have you ever been in the presence of someone who is in their power? When I have, I have found them appealing and wanted to be around them more to soak up the powerful yummy vibe they are emanating. At this workshop, I apparently stepped into my power because I observed that I was magnetic to both males and females. 

With a few of the men assisting at the workshop, they misinterpreted or mistranslated their attraction to my energy into a physical/flirtatious/sexual attraction. This scared me and it took conscious willpower for me to remain open and present, and not to put up my wall again. 

Power can be seductive, as is overtly evident in our society with political power, financial power, and the power of fame. When we are in our power, our task and journey is to stay in integrity. For some, integrity means not using their power in an abusive way or taking advantage of another. But for others, like me, integrity means learning how to be comfortable in our power and not frightened by it.  

I’d like to close with the following inspiring quote by Marianne Williamson from her book A Return to Love:   

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

soul selection

While eating breakfast this morning and watching a TV talk show, I overheard a conversation about natural versus artificial selection in reproduction. The female being interviewed had birthed a child through in vitro fertilization and had chosen the gender of her child, as well as a donor of the same race as she. When asked if she had “selected” any other specific traits from the sperm donor such as intelligence, religious affiliation, interests...she responded “no” because in her opinion then she would be stepping into God’s domain - His power, role, plan.

Truly, I hold no judgment about her choices or opinion. What I was struck by was how my spiritual beliefs might change the discussion on natural versus artificial selection. Just to let you know, with our second pregnancy, we used a technique to significantly increase the probability of having a male, which we did. I also acknowledge that there is the potential for dangerous results when artificial selection, such as cloning, is taken too far.

Although our bodies create new physical life in the form of another human being, with our genetics being passed on to the baby, I believe that there is much more to the creation of life than simply reproduction. I believe that it is the soul that is the authentic being and energy that inhabits the body and gives it life. And no matter the degree of our selective efforts to control the physical body, and its personality tendencies, I do not believe we are capable of stepping into God’s domain of choosing the soul for the body.

I believe that our souls have been in existence since the beginning of time and will continue to journey in and out of vastly different human experiences in order for us to embrace our true essence and power, and to evolve to greater love, ultimately pure love. A soul will be aligned with the body, the people, the life struggles and lessons and experiences...all of the things that are appropriate, necessary and relevant for it to evolve. With this belief comes the peace of knowing that every life situation a child is born into is perfect for that soul’s evolution, as Spirit, and possibly the soul itself, has chosen it.