he's dead

Received news this morning that Jerry, my biological father, died yesterday of a heart attack. Not sure where I am or what I am feeling about his death. I’ve spent a significant amount of my lifetime healing from the first 10 years of my life with him. Maybe with his death, the monsters he created in my life will die as well. Sadly, my life is only one of many that he abused and utterly screwed with. Hoping to move beyond the remnants of anger and disgust that surface when I think of him and to discover compassion for his tortured soul. 

a few hours of hell

Unusual morning. Received a call from the study abroad program (ISA) at about 10am asking if we have heard from Connor recently. We haven’t. They informed me that she traveled this last weekend with other kids from the program and didn’t return with them on Sunday night. She wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to travel on the bus for 4 hours back to San Jose. However, she did not show up for classes today (Tuesday) and she has not contacted anyone by phone or internet. When they called the hotel, they were informed that Connor checked out yesterday (Monday) morning and she did not leave any forwarding information. 

Oh my God! This did not sound good at all. 

Three stressful hours later, ISA called us to say that Connor had called their office, she was safe but not feeling well, and that she was catching a bus back to San Jose this evening. Thank God. I then allowed myself to break down and sob.

I feel the need to vent and release the emotional and physical trauma of this day so that it doesn’t get stuck in my body and energy. Please excuse my rambling.

When I hung up from the notification call, I immediately went into a quasi-shock. It felt like my body and mind went numb or closed down or went into lock down. I didn’t cry or panic. Everything felt fuzzy. My mind went blank and I had to decide to think. Went downstairs to tell Trey that Connor was MIA. Then we both were in shock. We discussed different scenarios and possibilities from the best to the worst. Really hoping that she was just rude and inconsiderate by not letting host family and program know where she was. Called credit card company to see if any charges since checking out of hotel. Yes! There was a charge at 4:30pm yesterday in the same town. Called program to let them know. They were in the process of calling every hotel in the town, the police, the hospital, the American Embassy.... Really hoping I would have the opportunity to be angry at her because of her poor decision making. 

Gathered Grace, Mason, and Trey and the four of us sat in a circle holding hands. We first released any and all negative feelings that we were feeling towards Connor, like judgment, frustration and anger, and then visualized our individual and collective light connecting and communicating with her. None of us sensed that anything bad had happened to her. Mason strongly felt that she was sick and hanging out till she felt better. We instructed her, while also visualizing, to call the program or her host family. My repetitive mantra to her was “call ISA.” We asked God/Spirit for helpful and safe people to surround her. 

When we were done, Grace asked, “Mom, why don’t you just talk to God?” I told her that we all can talk to God and that is what we were just doing. I also told her that when I am emotionally involved, I am not as clear on what I receive. The flip side of being emotionally attached though, which I didn’t share, is that my ability to connect, to focus and direct my power, and to visualize into reality, are all amazingly powerful because my feelings are deep, intense and authentic.

We decided not to project ahead with various “what if’s,” like “What if we don’t hear from Connor by the end of the day?” because we realized that we would end up suffering the possibilities. Each of us tried to proceed with our day like normal. When I found my mind drifting to the tragic possibilities, I stopped thinking. Trey described it well when he said that he felt like he was hanging out above himself to keep from thinking about the worst case scenario. I was hanging out up there too just watching myself go through the motions. The one thought I’d get stuck on though was that I had blogged yesterday about death and while writing it was wondering why death was on my mind.

Pure relief when we got the call that Connor had contacted ISA. I went out into our front yard, kneeled in the grass and bawled until there were no more tears. Relief and gratitude. 

Grace doesn’t believe that our family circle played any part in Connor calling the program. To her, it was coincidence because she believes Connor would have called anyway. Maybe a seed has been planted for Gracie to recognize the possibilities and her power...? When I gathered our family, I wan’t thinking “teaching tool for Gracie.” My heart simply understood that we each deeply love Connor and that the power of prayer and creation is magnified in numbers. 

I love my older daughter with all of my being. She put our family, her host family and ISA through hell today though.

life goes on

I don’t think about death or dying often.  And then, maybe upon hearing a tragic story or even sometimes out of nowhere it seems, the reality of death will tightly grip onto my mind and consciousness and unsettle me. I am overcome with fascination with the fragility of life and how in a mere “moment”...of poor choice or of randomness/accident...a human life can be stripped away from us and our world, our existence, is dramatically changed.

A couple of days ago, Gracie and her friends were looking at my wedding pictures and giggling at how much Trey and I and our relatives have “changed,” their euphemism for “aged!” When Grace came upon a picture of Trey with my three brothers, she asked who two of the three guys were. I told her that they were my brothers and explained that one died from an epileptic seizure several years before she was born and that the other committed suicide when she was a baby. After a few seconds of silence, Grace and her friends responded with a sincere, “How sad,” and then turned the album page and resumed with their giggling.

If my life over the last 20 years since my first brother’s death were condensed, it would look very similar to Grace and her friends’ response to death...acknowledgement of sadness and grief and then turning the page and moving on with life. Life goes on.

Recently, I have observed myself living my life as if I have half a lifetime left to live. I am operating under the tenuous assumption that there is plenty of time remaining to do all of the things I wish to do in and with this life of mine. For a year or longer after each of my brother’s deaths, and after my good friend Erin’s, I was incapable of living from that assumption. Those periods of loss and mourning were filled with heartache and time slowed down, with the falling away of the inconsequential, and with the keen awareness that life could end at any moment. (Those time were also filled with healing and the witnessing of God at work in my life, and with gratitude for each day.) With time and distance, I have not lost my gratitude for life, but I have lost some of the sense of urgency, or maybe presence, embraced by the philosophy of seizing the day, a lesson forced upon me in the wake of my loved ones’ deaths. 

I think for the most part that I possess a core peace with death. To me, birth and death are simply nouns that describe the cycle of life of the body, of form. The body returns to dust, but our life force transitions from one realm to another, as it/we have done seemingly countless times before...and to come. Not dust to dust, but rather life to life. Life goes on.

So maybe the next time the concept of death clings to me, accelerates my pulse, and entertains the idea of fear and loss, I will seize the opportunity to connect with my knowing and peace, and to reinforce the profound lessons learned from the life transitions of my three loved ones. Live my life with the awareness that it is delicate, but not in fear of death. Live this life with purpose and presence each and every day. Seize the opportunity in each day to heal, to share myself with the world, to receive the gifts of life, and to love others, this planet and myself deeply.  

I am blessed to have had communications with my brothers and Erin from the other side. Life goes on...more beautifully than we can imagine.

finding himself in NYC

Back 3 days now from NYC. My tummy is still full from all the wonderful eating and drinking there!

Many friends and family are asking how Mason and his studio (Artistic Fusion, aka, AF) performed at Nationals. “Incredible” is the answer! AF dances scored the highest in 5 out of 6 categories, with a 2nd place finish in the 6th. This year we were fortunate to have an amazing line up of choreographers: Tony Testa, Travis Wall, Joey Dowling, Sonya Tayeh, Chonique and Lisette, and our very own Julie Jarnot! Tony Testa’s dance won overall. It is so amazing that it made my mother-in-law cry! Mason made the Top 10 of the senior male dancers and his duet came in 5th place overall. 

Even more impressive from my perspective were Mason’s accomplishments that weren’t apparent on a score card. Typically, Mason motivates himself by stepping into competition mode. This time he desired to create a different and healthier experience for himself. His goals were to be present and to be himself during the entire 10 day event. 

I’d like to share some of the “aha’s” he shared with me:

My conversations and interactions with other dancers, with faculty and with parents were all genuine and real. I really enjoyed them.

In the past right before performing a dance, I would think about the dance as a whole and step into a certain character or performance mode for the dance and then dance it as a unit in that one frame of mind. This time I was present during each moment of the dance and made choices in each moment of what I wanted to bring to the dance. It literally felt like the dances slowed down and that I had many options to pick from in each moment. It was amazing! I hope I can be present like that again.

I have more energy and my body feels healthier than I have ever experienced at a convention/competition. I can see from past experience how being stressed is a huge energy drain.

This momma is so proud...and so grateful.

Mason even passed on two opportunities for scholarships to performing arts schools in the NY area, even though he was likely to receive some amount of scholarship (and they probably would have helped him place higher within the senior male dancers). After some discussion, we both acknowledged that his passion is to dance in LA in the commercial dance world rather than in NYC for a company. Rather than confusing himself and the Universe, Mason is now streamlining his choices in order to create a desired path and future.

In The City That Never Sleeps, among millions of people, in an intense national competitive environment, my son found himself.

what we learned when the flu threw a bug in our plans

Mason and I are in NYC for our studio’s nationals. Lessons and learning opportunities abound in this environment for the both of us. 

For me, I am learning how to possess expectations, but without attachment to outcome. Typically, I find this a difficult task and tend to set aside my expectations in order to detach from the outcome. I recognize that letting go of hopes and expectations can lead me to a place of indifference, and to lack of care and motivation. I desire to still strive and hope for greatness, whether my own or my child’s, and to not personalize or suffer a lesser outcome. 

Mason’s flu the week preceding nationals threw a huge wrench in our/my expectations of preparing for this big event. He is “competing” for the national championship title and was unable to complete (not to mention perform and clean) his solo before arriving in NY. Although he was able to finish his solo the night before competition, he had not yet regained his strength when he performed his dance. I am incredibly proud of his mental and physical perseverance. Even when he is not at the “top of his game,” he is still a captivating dancer. I continue to hold high hopes for his performance throughout these 9 days of nationals, but my overriding emotion is gratitude for his ability to participate and for the many opportunities to witness his creative gift. 

For Mason, he is presented with even greater learning opportunities. He has competed in the dance arena for 5 years now, with great success. I think it is easy to slip into a mindset of competition with all of the awards and attention he has received. With only a year left until he goes off to college and out into the professional dance world, he is beginning to recognize that nationals can be so much more than about competition and another title. Being so sick opened the door to some new perspectives. The biggest opportunity is for him simply to be who he is as a dancer, and not to strive to be what we think this nationals is looking for in their champion! He also gets to dance with other amazing dancers from around the country, which makes him a better dancer. It is likely that many of these dancers he will meet again during his career, giving him an even broader friendship base. And the strengthening of his relationships with the choreographers is invaluable. 

With the shift in perspective to be present for these 9 days as who he is and where he is, rather than as a “competitor,” the whole vibe of the experience has changed. Now Mason is performing to the best of his ability as he regains his strength, and not fretting over the things outside of his control. Instead of these nationals feeling stressful and heavy, they feel simpler and lighter now...for the both of us.

Costa Rica

Connor is in Costa Rica for 6 weeks participating in an exchange program. Thought I would share this update about her experience there. Just FYI, Michelle is another exchange student in the same home and Roda is the mom of the family. Connor's letter makes me long to return....

Hey American family!

 

I´m really sorry this is the first time I´ve taken to sit down and write a legit update about what´s been going on... I´m both very busy--there are sooooo many opportunities here!!-- and I often feel overwhelmed when I try to put everything I´m experiencing into words, and especially English words...

 

I´m extremely proud to say I´m solidly proficient at Spanish. Most of the people who talk to me are extremely complementary and helpful. They realize I get the structure of the language and that my brain is like a sponge. The majority of the Ticos are excited to help me on my spanish journey and supplement my vocabulary with new words and phrazes. My accent isn´t perfect, but my pronunciation isn´t wrong... just strange. I really can´t believe I didn´t do this earlier.... Spanish is completely different for me now! It´s not some confusing and foreign domain, it´s mine now too. I feel like I have a Spanish speaking personality that is very very positive, partially because most of the words I know are positive haha.

 

To paint you a picture of my life, let me begin with my family and casa. My family is totally Tico, but they are Arabic in origin. Everyone is incredibly accomodating, open, and loving. The daughters lie all over the mom and the family is pretty much always together, it´s very different than the average American family, where meals unite the family temporarily....

 

My bedroom is less than half the size of my dorm room... but I LOVE it. I don´t need more space here. The simplicity of life here, as well as the more relaxed pace, totally resonates for me and I love fully embracing it. The living situations are both comfortable and accessible by bus and taxi... Roda is an AWESOME cook, the girls are just great people and help us learn how to make jokes and stuff, and abuelito is consisent comic relief (I´m going to send you this picture of Michelle and I with him, SOOOOOOO FUNNY. You´ll be able to see his personality in a nutshell). Plus, all of the extended family and friends of Roda are obviously really kind and chill too.... PURA VIDA makes so much sense here/now.

 

A few interesting differences: extended family members who aren´t blood relatives aren´t integrated into the family the same way that they are in the States... Like Kelly would be Kelly and we would treat her nicely, like they treat everyone here, but by no means would I be expected to call her aunt or think of her as my family. Plus, when you enter or leave a room, you kiss every single person on the cheek. I really appreciate how it makes everyone feel significant... it just makes me wonder if junior high is easier here?? haha Also, there aren´t addresses here. Locations are expressed relative to other locations, which is extremely inconvenient if you don´t have a solid spatial orientation of the land.... And no one has their own mailbox by their house, they have to go into the city and get their mail from p.o. boxes.

 

Anyway, I take the bus to and from school, which is super convenient and easy. Roda loves how Michelle and I are interested in interacting with them and participating in their family, but she also is very proud of how independent we are. She says there are many girls who won´t go out unless she finds one of her boy Tico friends to take them... Obviously I don´t go out alone, I go with Michelle and we usually meet other people out, but I´m glad that Roda likes that we want to move around this space confidently. You need to know I´m being very cautious, alwayssss aware and proactive, but at the same time, I haven´t felt paranoid or actually endangered at all.

 

ULACIT is pretty small. It´s a private university that´s super big on English and there are a tonnnnn of students studying to be dentists. I´ve made a bunch of friends that take me to cool places in the city or give me tips about things to do or my speech. Most of the days, I go into el centro, which is an approx. 7 min walk from ULACIT, and get lunch at a Soda, which is the word for a little, local cuisine restaurant. They´re well priced and you get huge portions!

 

So this last weekend, we went to Tamarindo. WOW. The only word to really describe that place is PARADISE. En serio. For example, I was sitting on my balcony outside my hotel room, meditating and watching the world. Across the pool, there were these two huuuuge yellow butterflies fluttering and playing with each other... I was amazed. They were so big I actually spent 5 minutes trying to discern if they were really butterflies or actually birds....

 

Friday night we got there after dark, so we went to dinner and a lot of the kids went to a bar/club. I opted to go swimming. BEST IDEA. About 30 min into our swim, it started pouring.... never have I experience tropical rain like that!!! So refreshing and crazy... so charged with energy... I couldn´t help but laugh and marvel at it all. Seriously, my brain has to chew on this place. It barely believes it´s true.

 

Saturday morning we got up at 5:30 to go on a mangrove tour. It rained most of the day and was overcast all day, but it wasn´t too big of a deal to me since I didnt pay for any of the extra tours. I spent the day meditating, relaxing in the ocean and the pool, watching soccer in a bar, and chilling with the surf instructors of one of the americans.... That kid and I spent the evening with the surfers, playing pool, drinking and dancing... It was magical. They are so chill I just can´t really say anything more than Pura Vida for you guys since you wouldn´t understand the spanish and the english doesnt sound right.... i just really like how the energies of the people and the language here mix and meld.

 

Sunday, I had the most delicious smoothie of my life. It had fresh pineapple, passionfruit and mango.... GAHHHHH. Wish you could try it too.

 

Classes are awesome, although it´s kinda strange because I feel like I´m the best student, especially because I´m the only one from the San José group who actually talks to Ticos every day and really really tries to learn and better myself.... I don´t really get how they are here and they don´t want to put themselves out there, but at the same time I see it´s scary. I´m just really grateful that I´m confident enough to just fake it til I make it because I´m deffff already making it. It´s gratifying.

 

That´s a pretty solid summary of what´s been going on, but if you have any specific questions, please ask!! Hope you can sense how happy and grateful I am.

 

Bueno, con amorrrrrr

C