dang I cover some ground

I’ve been on an exhausting emotional roller coaster ride these last several days. Last night I “checked out” by playing phone games and watching movies until 3am, all in a desperate attempt not to feel what I’m feeling. Thank God I journal as I can easily see the ground I’m covering and the tangible help that I am receiving from Spirit! So grateful! 

I lived this last weekend in “fight or flight” with the start of Gracie’s collegiate soccer career. In her first two games, she had both successes and disappointments as would be expected, yet I could not stop myself from slipping into “flee” mode...racing pulse, shallow breathing, trembling, agitation, foggy head...pretty much withdrawal and lock down of my physical and emotional bodies. Nothing earth shattering or life threatening here, just old patterns I started during my childhood with my biological father Jerry. For me, fight or flight is triggered when I feel like I have no control over a situation or environment. As a child, I couldn’t fight my father, so I fled...withdrawing and contracting my energy and essence deep inside myself where I felt safe and protected. Now it’s an adrenal overload muscle memory response.

So this morning I pulled out my journal hoping to process and release my internal and external mayhem from the weekend. I saw my entries from last Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and remembered the profound dreams and meditations that I experienced. I am in disbelief, and awe. Awe that I am so blessed with a deep connection to Spirit, and my Higher Self, guiding me and supporting me in my personal growth. Disbelief that something as innocuous as my daughter’s soccer games can send me spiraling down into an abyss so dark that my core knowing and memory are lost and seemingly inaccessible.

Fear truly is darkness, blindness, and our creation of hell. 

Fear overshadowed the prior 3 days of truth and healing:

 Wednesday was abundant in truth revealing. I awoke to a “bad” dream about Gracie and soccer and how I have no control over her journey...how she plays, how much she plays, her body’s health/injuries, and whether she accomplishes her goals and dreams. I feel like I’m going to explode in my dream. 

For most of my adult life I have recorded dreams when they feel emotionally significant or when they feel as real as my awake reality or when Spirit communicates to me within them. This dream left me with negative emotional residue so I recorded it and then decided to meditate to find some peace. As I began my meditation, I asked for Spirit’s help on how to release my worries. A powerful visual organically flowed through. I call it the Worry Bowl Visual.

In my mind’s eye, I see myself sitting cross-legged with a very large bowl (a Tibetan singing bowl) resting in my lap with my hands gently holding it in place. A worry surfaces and I feel its intensity and then forcefully VOMIT it into the bowl, which happens many more times, until finally my body has completely purged all my worries. I then raise the bowl (filled with worry and fear) and rest it against my heart chakra/center. My heart and Higher Self infuse the bowl with light and love. I then ask my dad (my stepfather, not Jerry), my guides and angels, and Christ Consciousness to also send light and love into the bowl. I immediately feel lighter, peaceful, good, joyful.

I felt so good the rest of the day, and grateful. I don’t usually meditate twice in one day, but I had listened to an online Deepak Chopra talk on meditation that afternoon, so I decided to meditate again before going to bed. Again, a vivid visual came through. Wolf.

In my mind’s eye, I am in a forest standing face to face with a lone wolf. The wolf is not aggressive or scary, but instead simply stares directly and intensely into my eyes. We connect energetically and I feel his essence. He reveals himself as my animal totem and then I feel and see him physically sit on my heart chakra. I am wolf.

Wolf is bringing me the exact messages and ways of being that will serve me the best at this stage of life, some of which include:  wolf is totally loyal to the pack (his family), but does not lose his identity to the pack; he is wild and free and unafraid; he has the ability to learn new ideas and then teach them to others; being alone is necessary to understand yourself and hear the voice within....

Thursday morning I again awoke to a compelling dream, which I recorded. I’m leaving on an extended trip and have 3 large suitcases that are packed full. When I go to pick them up, each suitcase disintegrates leaving my stuff in a pile on the floor. Do I leave my stuff behind, or do I stay with my stuff?

Love this one! I have the opportunity to leave my baggage behind...past actions or events hidden deeply in my mind; past emotions or issues that are holding me back; habits, memories or attitudes that no longer serve me or are no longer suitable to carry with me!

And, finally, Friday morning, I dreamed a dream that clearly answered the question from Thursday’s dream...I chose to leave my past baggage behind! Although I’m not comfortable sharing the details of this dream, I can tell you that I was back in my childhood living with Jerry and for the first time in my life I used my voice and I used my body to fight for myself. I changed the past. I am no longer Jerry’s victim. I am free.

Wow. I’ve already done the difficult work. Now, addressing my fight or flight response doesn’t feel so overwhelming. Since I’m aware of the trigger, before Gracie’s games I will take 5-10 minutes to meditate, or do breathing exercises or body work, or vomit my worries into the Worry Bowl...whatever I feel drawn to in the moment that brings me to presence and peace and reality. I’ve got this.

awe-filled moments of proud momma

This last weekend ignited moments of sheer joy and awe and gratitude in me, as the magnitude of my family’s manifestations sunk in. Trey and I drove through spectacular mountain scenery from our new home in San Luis Obispo, CA to Santa Clara, CA, to meet up with our son Mason and our younger daughter Gracie who lives there now. Our ultimate destination was Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara where the San Francisco 49ers play, but where this weekend Mason would be dancing with Taylor Swift in her 1989 Tour.  

And, next week, Gracie will start her collegiate soccer career with the Santa Clara Broncos. Even a short time ago, I could not have imagined this convergence of our dreams...

~For years, I visualized Trey and myself living in nature, in a small close-knit community with the ocean nearby and, voila, here we are our living in the beautiful Central Coast of California! 

~Gracie playing upper tier D1 soccer and at a program where Trey and I are able to drive to a majority of her games!

~Mason traveling the world with Taylor Swift for a second tour! 

This celebratory weekend was “topped with a cherry” by a perfectly timed phone call from our older daughter Connor sharing exciting news of her upcoming training to become a yoga instructor. 

A luscious weekend of oozing in gratitude and proud momma!

thank you God for the rainbows out of the storm

Oprah and Deepak’s most recent free 21 day meditation was entitled Manifesting Grace through Gratitude and it explored the profound power of gratitude in our lives. On Day 19, Oprah shared a personal story about being in a very difficult moment in her life and calling her mentor Maya Angelou in despair, looking for comfort and a little sympathy. Maya instructed Oprah to stop crying and instead to say thank you. Oprah inquired, “Why would I say thank you for this?” Maya responded, “Say thank you because God has put a rainbow in every cloud and the rainbow is coming. Say thank you even though you can’t see it because it’s already there.”

WOW. 

I can now share, through hindsight, some of the rainbows I could not see in the darkest of storms:

My brother Craig’s “premature” and sudden death (from an epileptic seizure) at age 26 

The shock and heartbreak of losing our beloved brother and son pulled our family together, strengthening and deepening our bonds; it gave us the awareness to be more present in our lives and to shed the inconsequential having experienced the fragility of life...and for me personally, Craig was a trusted and familiar catalyst for my opening to communicate with souls/spirit on the other side of the veil.

My first born’s descent into the dark abyss of drugs

Connor is more gentle, compassionate, present, thoughtful, open, loving, sensitive and connected (to herself and nature and her family and spirit) than she was before her time in darkness...and for me personally, I learned to allow her soul its own journey.

My dad suffering through a two year physical decline and death

Dad was willing to prolong his transition back home into the spiritual realm so that his loved ones could learn and gain what we needed to learn and gain during that time...and for me personally, not suffering Dad’s choices but instead allowing him his journey was reinforced; also, gratefully, Dad is present and available for guidance in my life now in every moment.

It never occurred to me to say thank you while being beaten down by these storms. I was aware of and expressed gratitude for the support of spirit to survive the storms, but never for the rainbow or beauty coming. Knowing like attracts like, I now see how saying thank you for the abstract and unseen rainbow in the dark clouds has the potential for lifting us above surviving, and into thriving, attracting an even more brilliant rainbow.

WOW. 

Thank you Maya Angelou.

Thank you Oprah.

Thank you Deepak Chopra.

Thank you God.

Thank you my Higher Self for recognizing the rainbows, and the essence of gratitude.