eves of christmas past and present

Christmas Eve 2011

Three weeks ago, Trey flew to Chicago unannounced to bring Connor home. Her college roommate’s parents recently contacted us to let us know that Connor was in danger with her drug use. Shock, fear, haze...I’m sinking to a place I’ve never imagined. We wanted to let Connor finish her finals for the quarter, but circumstances required us to take immediate action. We knew Connor used drugs, but we had no idea how deep she had sunk into them. Connor had always had control over her drug use. Now, the drugs have control over her.

When Trey arrived at Connor’s apartment, she was completely surprised and was completely enraged and desperate. She ran away with her boyfriend, who is also an addict, cursing Trey and rejecting our family. 

This Christmas Eve is somber for our family, immediate and extended. Obviously, Connor is not here with us. My parent's are struggling with their first grandchild’s plummet into darkness. I'm numb.

Christmas Eve 2012

It has been a nightmarish and shadowy year not knowing if Connor will survive her addiction. A couple of months ago, she opened the lines of communication with us to let us know that she wanted to end her relationship with her boyfriend. She left him earlier this month, and 3 days ago (the 21st), he hung himself. Connor is with us in Texas. I am in shock seeing her skeleton body and the ravages of her drug use. Emotionally she is chaotic and unable to function. We are witnessing withdrawals. Please God, I pray that she survives and thrives again. Please God.

Dad is clearly in decline. The turning point was a mini stroke in May from which he never fully recovered. He no longer is allowed to drive. Taking away Dad’s freedom has been incredibly hard on him. He’s angry and he rebels against assistance, or really, the “need” for assistance. Hospital emergency room visits have become common this year. 

Mom had a breakdown tonight. She is so angry at Dad’s failing health and that their lives and plans together are fading away. Everything has flipped upside down for her. Travel and evenings out with friends have been replaced with her care-taking of my dad. It’s not his fault and she knows this deep inside somewhere, but she is so fearful of losing him.

Christmas Eve 2013

The highlight this Christmas Eve was Dad’s 10 minutes or so of mental presence as our family opened gifts around the Christmas tree. I gave Mom and Dad a large canvas print of a picture of them taken years ago. Dad clutched the canvas with the biggest smile on his face and blew kisses to Mom. The moment was magical, and yet, deeply sorrowful for me. I know that this is likely to be Dad’s last Christmas and my heart aches to simply have a conversation with him and to connect with him. 

This year has brought beauty though. My mom has become the most gentle, patient and loving caregiver, and this transition in her is a profound blessing to witness. And, Connor is on the path of healing. She describes her life as “two steps forward, and one step back,” but I am beyond grateful for the forward progress. I wish that her work hadn’t kept her from being here with us this Christmas, but my heart is with her.

Christmas Eve 2014

We are in Colorado this Christmas Eve for the first time since moving here 18 years ago. Dad transitioned in May making it especially difficult not being with our extended families in Texas. In 12 days though, Gracie starts college at Santa Clara, and a week later Trey and I are moving to Cali, so staying home made sense. Trey smoked ribs today and brought Texas and Dad to us.

I didn’t buy presents this year for the first time ever, and yet, gifts were abundant. Trey’s and my prayers have been answered. At some point over this last year, we realized that we were able to breath again...Connor is wonderfully, beautifully, profoundly thriving! I am in awe of her strength and healing. Thank you, thank you, thank you God. Connor and her boyfriend were able to get off work for Christmas Eve and they drove in from the mountains about 3am this morning. To be together as a family, whole and healthy and 5 strong, for the first Christmas in years, is the most amazing gift imaginable.

On Sunday evenings when the kids were young, we had a ritual that we called “prayer candle” where we would light candles and turn off the lights and we would each share what we were grateful for. Tonight, instead of exchanging presents, we turned off the lights, sat in the glow of candles and Christmas tree lights and we shared in our first Christmas Eve prayer candle. Tears flowed as we shared stories of Dad and celebrated his life and our lives as well. 

Gratitude, love, grieving and healing...the Spirit of Christmas fills our hearts. 

flow and letting go

Seventeen years ago, Spirit uprooted our young family from Dallas, TX to Fort Collins, CO. Trey wasn’t looking for a job change, and we never even thought about leaving Texas and all of our family. And yet, opportunities came to us and “Flow” literally carried us to our new adventure in Colorado. So grateful.

It’s happening again! We have a contract on our home from an unsolicited buyer. We feel an energetic pull to San Luis Obispo, CA, even though we have never even visited it. So in 2 and 1/2 months time, Grace will start college at Santa Clara University, and we are likely to have moved to SLO. Sweet and juicy flow again.

Although the idea of downsizing feels really good, the reality of shifting from 5 bedrooms to 2 (as Trey will use the 3rd as his office), and cutting square footage by more than half of our present home, and cleaning out 17 years of accumulation by 5 people, feels stressful. 

Spirit has orchestrated this transition in our lives, so I am setting my intention on trusting and allowing them to have control over it all!

Letting Go

Letting go...

of things...soooo much stuff!

of control

of our home and the known and “stability”

of motherhood

of youth

of Dad

of old patterns

of stress and the idea that there is not enough time

of my inner critic

of the past

of fear

Shedding

Simplifying

Freeing

Deep breath and huge sigh

Letting go

heart-full life

visually drawn to hearts

everywhere and in all things

especially when my heart is joyful and celebratory

especially when my heart is sorrowful and longing tenderness and healing

Thailand, an unexpected womb for our grief

I’ve been intrigued to discover in my life that coincidences are not random, but are rather experiences with significance to us, as we have created them with our energetic attraction, or alignment.

In October of 1990, my brother Craig died suddenly and unexpectedly. He was 26 years old. Devastation, shock, a depth of sadness unexperienced before...all enveloped our family. Yet, we huddled together, and bonded even closer, into this tight, solid unit of love and support, helping each of us to survive what felt unsurvivable at times. 

Trey and I had scheduled a trip to Thailand months earlier, which was to take place just weeks after Craig’s passing. Forgoing this trip would have been easy, but my family insisted that we still go. Not surprisingly, while in Thailand, Trey and I were immersed in heavy grief, processing, and reflection on the fragility of life and what truly matters to us. Within this deep contemplation, we decided to start our family when we returned home.

I went into labor with Connor on the one year anniversary of Craig’s death, and she was born the next day.

Fast forward to present time, 23 and 1/2 years from our trip to Thailand, where we grieved and opened the door for Connor to bless our lives.

It’s April and Connor is home (from her job in the mountains) to get shots for her rock climbing trip in Thailand, with her boyfriend, for the whole month of May. She recently transitioned from hostess to server at the restaurant where she works and shared that she enjoys her job, but mostly, she enjoys her friendship with Blake, one of the cook’s. She calls him a “gentle giant” because he is 6’5” or taller and is the most positive and genuine and caring person she knows. She talks about how his presence lights up the restaurant, as well as makes her excited about going to work each day.

A week later, Blake was murdered. 

Connor found herself in Thailand, grieving a devastatingly painful and unexpected loss, just as Trey and I had experienced so many years before. 

Even more peculiar, Connor’s grandfather (my father) died at the end of her trip in Thailand. Connor was the first of 13 grandchildren, and she and my father possessed a uniquely special bond. Thankfully, we were able to fly Connor and her boyfriend home in time for my dad’s funeral.

I never imagined that Thailand would or could hold the energetic space that it has held for my older daughter and myself, but it has, whether by coincidence...or not, in my experience. Thank you Thailand for being an unexpected womb for healing our grief.

enchanted Puerto Rico

Puerto Rico

Ocean bathed

Sun brushed

Disney filming through the night

Precious son time

Pina coladas, sweet plantains and churrasco

Yoga on the beach

Dancing till we’re soaked

Respite caressed

Grace, Mason and me

The "island of enchantment"

Puerto Rico

"hermitnating" spaciousness

After my NIA dance class today, a friend asked, “Where have you been?” My impromptu response was, “My father transitioned earlier this summer, and I’ve been ‘hermitnating.’” 

I know, hermitnating is not a real word, but maybe it could be...to describe that space or experience in life when you instinctively withdraw from your typical routine, like a hermit, or a hibernating bear, in order to process...grieve...gain clarity...grow...heal.

Yes, I’ve been hermitnating. Although I’m at peace with my dad’s transition, I miss him, terribly. And on top of that, I have anxiety surfacing about my impending “empty nest hood” in the next 5 months. 

Hermitnating is my way of shining the light on and dealing with some core root chakra fears. 

I guess you could say that I’ve chosen to hermitnate, so that I can germinate a more serene, expanded and balanced me.

honoring my incredible father November 3, 1935 - May 30, 2014

Hello everyone. I’m Jenice, and, along with my family, I have the profound honor of celebrating the life of Dick Thomes, a beloved husband, our father and grandfather, and a devoted friend to so many. We also want to thank each of you for being here today to honor our dad.

Writing eulogies is sadly nothing new to our family...first was our brother Craig, then Bruce, and then our sister Jennifer. 3 of our father’s 4 biological children preceded him in death. Tragic yes, and heart breaking. And yet, the significant, life-altering events that happen in our lives are a mixed bag of gut-wrenching sorrows and mountain top joys. Our father’s life was no exception.

42 years ago, my mom married Dick, our neighbor, a highly respected and successful veterinarian, and from my 11 year old perspective at the time, an intense and intimidating man. Who would have thought that our gruff dad who scared away the teenage boys from visiting his daughters, and who would snap orders at waiters, would end up being the sweetest, most complacent patient through his two years of decline? Yet, he was, because in reality he was just a big teddy bear, and his “vast as an ocean” heart shone through to the end.  

At the beginning it was a daunting path for our parents to join our families and raise 7 kids, but their love for each other was the key. I couldn’t begin to count how many times over the years that our Dad declared how much he loved our mother, and that she was everything in the world to him. We all know without a sliver of doubt that Dad lived as long as he did for Mom. Of course, we should add in some thanks to Johnny Football as well, but his love for Mom was the magical medicine.

Dad seemed to possess an infinite pool of energy; he was tireless and could run circles around people half his age. He also possessed a deep-rooted passion for veterinary medicine, making it is easy to see how he established himself as an influential doctor in the veterinary field. Dad was a risk taker, he was an innovator, and he was a savvy businessman. His work was never just a job, but instead he was blessed with living his calling.

I’d like to share some of our fondest memories of Dad, and would love it if you raised your hand or gave a shout out if you experienced them too:

deep sea fishing with his friends, which led to neighborhood fish fries (those were the days!)

spending hot Texas summers at the lake, first Grapevine and then Texoma, fishing, skiing, some working on the boat, banana-tubing and inner-tubing, and a little more working on the boat!

on the eve of a fishing outing, he’d tease “4:30 comes mighty early”

card games, booray being my favorite

his deep relationship with God and Jesus and the Catholic Church 

his Old School cuss words like...oh, Mickey Mouse! or Donald Duck!

gardening at the house and the lakehouse, which looked like a lot of work, but really it was his meditation in life, and his creative expression. He created beauty with plants.

being the authority and expert on every subject

wisdom shared with his grandchildren, “Life isn’t always easy, but you do what you have to do.” To the boys, “Think with the head on your shoulders, not the lower one.” 

I’m not sure how wise he was with this one, but he would get the biggest kick out of bribing his kids and grandkids with a minimal amount of money to eat something really gross, like pate’ or sardines, but his favorite was a whole jalepeno! Everyone at the dinner table would be in tears from laughing so hard!

not everyone will understand this one, but...”Catfish!”

grandbabies sleeping on his chest while he napped 

who’s heard his favorite grandkid story about my son Mason when he was little? We were at the lakehouse and heading to dinner and Dad said that somebody needed to ride with Mimi, and Mason said, “Granddad, I’ll ride with Mimi, but I like you best!”

mexican food, that is spicy Mexican food (Tupinambas was his favorite)

world travels with his friends and family

he was a bit of a prankster, and a big joke teller; who here has called my parent’s house and had my dad answer in a woman’s voice?

on the spot made up stories about Paul Bunion and Moby Dick

watching sports, but mostly his beloved Aggies...can I hear a Gig ‘em?!

how about those motorhome drives to Kyle Field? 

  How many of you thought that our Dad was the smartest person you knew? His well of knowledge was boundless. The funny thing though is that even when he didn’t know the answer, he was so confident and persuasive that he would still convince you that he was right! 

But truly, in our eyes, Dad could do anything and everything. No life problem was too big for him to fix.  He supported us when we made mistakes, and he supported us when we made choices he didn’t understand. He made everything okay with 3 simple words...I love you. There was an unconditionality and purity behind his words, and when he said “I love you. Trust your heart. Everything is going to be okay,” he gave you the light of hope that it would be okay, and it was. The word you will hear over and again is “rock.” Dad was the rock of our family in the hard times, and he was the rock in the good times. 

Dad was simply a great man. So many of you have shared that he was a rock for you too, or a father figure, or a role model.  He was unselfish, and so freely generous, and he took care of other people without needing any sort of credit or repayment or recognition. He had the heart of Christ. We need more people like Dick Thomes in this world. You know from the moment he married my mom, he took in me and Allan and Michelle as his own children. He loved us as his own, he took care of us in every way, and the word “stepchild” was never, ever in his vocabulary. Yes, Dick Thomes was a great man.

When our loved ones die, we can find ourselves overtaken by grief and heaviness, and possibly depression or even anger.  And yet, we witnessed how loss softened our father and propelled him into even deeper connections with his family and friends. I believe Dad wants the same for us in his transition from earth to the realm of heaven...he wants us to rely on each other for support, and to connect even more deeply with each other. 

We are grateful from the core of our beings to our loving God for bringing Richard Johannes Thomes into this world 78 years ago and for welcoming Dad back into His loving embrace. I know that the first thing he heard from God is, “Job well done, my child. Job well done.”  And I know everyone in this room is celebrating the same thing, “Life well lived, Dick. Job well done.” 

Dad, save us a seat on that fishing boat that we know you’re on right now. We look forward to hearing your voice tell us once again that 4:30 comes mighty early. 

shout out to shouting out your dreams and goals

My daughter Grace (along with a soccer teammate in both club and high school) was featured today on the front page of the sports section of our local paper. The article addressed Grace heading off to college a semester early and forgoing her senior year of high school soccer. This quote taken from the article explains why Grace made this decision:

"I have huge goals as a collegiate player and two of them are to be on the national team and to become an All-American as a freshman," Cutler said. "These are goals that I will have to work very hard for, and starting training early will give me a better chance to achieve them.”

When I read this quote, I observed fear arise in me. Grace has lofty goals for her soccer career that we talk about often among the “safety” of our own family, but she basically proclaimed to the world what her aspirations are. My ego took over and I worried about the criticism and pessimism of others. I observed my own judgment that if now she doesn’t accomplish these goals, then in the public’s eye she will be considered a failure. Wow.

I have watched my kids set grand goals, and pursue them. I have supported my children in every way possible in pursuit of their dreams and have always reinforced that they have no limits or boundaries to their dreams and creations. Most meaningfully, I have had the profound pleasure of witnessing my children on their journeys fulfilling their dreams.

I never played team sports growing up so I have never had the experience of setting goals for a game, a season, or even a career. It is a common experience for teams and individual athletes to set goals, and then for those goals to not be met. Yet, setting goals is a significant motivation and it provides direction and focus for the path to be taken. It is a bold statement to the Universe that this is where I desire to go and is an essential tool of creation. 

I learn so much from my children and I am grateful to them for their inspiration. Now that my role as stay-at-home mom is coming to an end and the next phase of life is quickly approaching, I intend to follow my children’s lead and dream big with grand and bold specifics!  What do I want to pursue and accomplish? Hmmm. 

happy 21st birthday son

Happy Birthday dear Son

You are finally 21!

21 years ago this day

1993, the 13th of May

You blessed me as your mother

Thanks for not choosing another

From the moment we heard “It’s a boy!”

Your presence has brought sheer joy

From newborn to man has been swift

Every moment with you, a gift

You’re intelligent, sensitive, a renaissance man

Funny, open hearted, my Mason-man

You’re an earth roamer

To all, a soul brother

To me, a kindred soul

Every color of the rainbow

You are YOU

Tried-and-true

Complex and simple

A divine temple

You are an angel on earth!

You have been since birth

So Happy Birthday dear Son

May you be blessed with many more to come

I love, love, love you

For always and forever

Mom

a perfect may 10th celebration

This time in May is full of celebration for our family:

Mother’s Day is today (and it is dumping snow!). 

Mason’s 21st birthday is on Tuesday.

And, yesterday (May 10th) was the 18th anniversary of the momentous spiritual shift in our lives, when Christ Consciousness blessed me with the direct, out-of-body meeting with Him in the light realm. 

May 10th is meaningful to only Trey and me, as Connor and Mason were young, and Gracie was not yet even conceived. Yet, this day changed our kid’s lives too because Trey and I were so profoundly transformed.

Trey and I spent a peaceful day in nature fly fishing for our first time, in the Big Thompson River in Estes Park. I hooked and released five trout, and Trey three. Our guide gave thanks to each trout as he released them back into the tumbling river. Elk were all around and I even saw two bighorn sheep on the canyon cliffs as we drove home. I cannot imagine a more perfect way to celebrate May 10th than our day communing with nature and wildlife in the majestic mountains of Colorado. Halleluja!

I hear, but do I listen?

I hear, but do I listen? 

I hear people talk to me every day, but do I listen with my full attention?

I hear my body talk to me through physical sensations and injuries/illnesses and changes and fatigue, but do I really listen to the astute information it is offering me?

I hear the soft whisperings of my intuition and of Spirit, but do I always slow down and go within and truly listen and receive?

My answer to these inquiries is sometimes, but not nearly enough.

I’ve manifested a significant, and hopefully temporary, loss of hearing in my left ear from a severe ear infection over a month ago. I am incredibly grateful for my sense of hearing. Yet, this experience has been a broader blessing in that it has been the incentive for me to observe and explore how I listen, when I listen and what I listen to, all of which transcends far beyond the physical act of hearing sound.

I hear with my ears. I can only listen with presence.

a hurting heart

“My heart hurts Mama!”

Mine too son

Though not sure why

Could it be the

addiction 

dysfunction

in our experience?

Yet, I know

there is no one right path

and, all soul’s paths are PERFECT

Could it be the

anger infection

body limitation

in our experience?

Yet, I know

these manifestions

encourage our soul’s healing

Could it be the

assault and abuse

to body and soul

in our experience?

Yet, I witness the

the strength and empowerment

as a consequence

Could it be the

the stars alignment

resistance to letting go of past wounds

my dad is here, but gone

saturation of my energetic sponge

the end to one life’s purpose

and, fear of the unknown for the next?

Yet, I have experienced time and again

the vast support and love of Spirit

in all experiences in my life

Could it be the

many tragedies 

outside of our experience?

The shootings here and there

the flood or fire or earthquake

the political conflict and unrest?

Yet, I trust in God’s love 

and healing in all things

and for all souls

I choose

to consciously protect my energy field

to live open heartedly

to release the past 

to allow my loved ones their experiences without judgment

to express my truth 

to live my essence

to be creative

to be joyous

to be grateful in all things

to love myself

Son, I choose to heal my hurting heart

gotta share the God winks!

Two God winks yesterday:

~ Mason called from LA questioning whether the house he was about to rent was the right one. I volunteered to pull an Osho Zen Tarot card on his behalf. He asked that I pull three. The final card had a butterfly on its picture and when I read to him the significance of the butterfly...a monarch butterfly flew right in front of him.

As Mason would say, “Tehehehehe!”

~ I’ve been physically and emotionally “under the weather” and followed my intuition to pull one of Doreen Virtue’s Healing with the Angels Oracle Cards. I pulled Archangel Michael, letting me know that he is with me right now. Way cool! So I did some more research online and found Doreen Virtue’s article “8 Ways to Recognize Archangel Michael.” Got through the first few signs of his presence and then left for Grace’s soccer game with the information about his auric color next to read. Here’s the picture of his color:

When we returned from the soccer game, my computer was acting weird so Grace simply turned it off and restarted it so that she could use it for homework. When the computer restarted, Grace mentioned that she wasn’t sure that my computer was okay because the picture on my screen (that had been there for almost two years) was gone. Thankfully, the computer worked fine.

The picture now on my screen is cosmic and very pretty, but not mine. When I continued my research on the signs from Michael, I realized that Michael’s colors are exactly the colors that mysteriously appeared on my computer screen (see screenshot below)! 

LOVE IT! THANKS MICHAEL!

the gifts of aging

Trey, Mason, Grace and I just enjoyed several days in picturesque Chattanooga, TN with Trey’s mom, aunt and uncle. We had a wonderful time reconnecting with family with whom I never feel like we have enough time. We were blessed to hear stories of their pasts, as well as to witness them thriving in their 70’s and 80’s. I was truly inspired by how they live each day with such a high energy level and passion! Absolutely incredible and beautiful to witness!

Spending time with some of our senior family members prompted me to focus on the positives of aging. At the age of 53 and definitely feeling the decline of my body and energy level, I realized that it is easy to focus on the negative changes that aging brings to my day to day experience and that I would be well served to start focusing on the positive changes. Thank God that there are some exquisite transformations!

Living less from the head and more from the heart. I find myself advising my children to honor their intelligence as a tool to be consciously used and not to allow their brains to rule them and dictate their reality. Live from the heart with your head supplementing and supporting your creations.

Less stress and the allowance or the freedom to do what you want to do, and live how you want to live, and be who you want to be. I am not sure why we typically wait until we are older to shift our focus, but it feels very freeing to release the need to please others and to honor yourself and your own desires.

Greater appreciation and presence with family, friends, and others. I’m not sure if it is the creeping awareness of a limited time on earth, or the loss of loved ones, or both, but I savor my time with loved ones now in a way I never did when I was younger.

The beauty of experiencing my children as young adults and our relationships deepening and becoming more balanced and harmonized as equals/peers. So yummy to watch the lives of these beings whom you love so richly blossom into their fullness. It is like they were your caterpillar and now they are a fellow butterfly.

The prospect of grandchildren. Not rushing it or pressuring any of my three kids, just enjoying the potential!

Being middle-aged is awesome! For real!

unleashed movement and emotion

Trey and I spend many a Sunday morning participating in a freestyle movement, or conscious dance, gathering in our community. These mornings are typically magical for one or both of us. 

We have the opportunity to “move from the inside out” in a safe, nonjudgmental environment and without any attachment to looking good or dancing well. We have the opportunity to get out of our head for an hour and a half and instead connect with our body, and its beauty and wisdom and authentic expression. This freedom, this letting go, allows emotions to surface and express and release. 

For a movement person, like me, this is a powerful and often healing experience. I acknowledge, though, that for someone not connected or drawn to movement, it would be the last thing you would ever want to do! Yet, for Trey and me and the rest of our Sunday morning community/tribe, it is often one of the best things we do for ourselves all week.

This last weekend was my birthday and Mason joined us for Sunday dance for the first time. His presence was the icing on my birthday cake, with the plumpest cherry on top! During the last song on the playlist, I got out of my dance zone and looked around the room. All dancers were on the ground stretching and cooling down, except for my husband and my son, the only males in the room. So I sat against the wall, and witnessed...experienced...received the pure beauty of their:

freedom

openness

expression

sensitivity

love

connectedness

I cried with such overwhelming joy and gratitude and awe that it hurt. It still does.