life is like a bruised peach

In Colorado, the harvest of sweet Palisade peaches and succulent ears of Olathe corn alludes to the end of the long hot days of summer and the debut of autumn. It also means that for the brief time while the “gettin’ is good,” we overindulge on the good! Delectable, sweet juices dripping down our faces extravagance!

Scrambling out the door for a morning appointment, I grabbed a peach for a breakfast on the run. Settled into my drive and ready to eat, I noticed a dark mushy bruise on a portion of the fruit. In that moment, I clearly saw that I held two opposing perspectives on how to deal with the situation. Part of me believed that the whole fruit was ruined by the bruise and that I should discard the whole thing. But there was another voice in me acknowledging that there was still a significant part of the fruit that was good. I opted to enjoy and savor the good part. 

Life is like a bruised peach. 

Life is sweet and juicy and delicious, and it is also fragile and delicate. When struggles arise, we feel bruised and injured. When those struggles are significant, sometimes we are overwhelmed by fear or sadness or suffering or depression and unable to see that there is still beauty and goodness in our lives. Our struggles can lead us to believe that the entirety of our life is bad.

About two and half years ago, my husband bought a land surveying company as an investment. Just a few months after his purchase, the bottom fell out of the construction and land development industry. Through much hardship and personal financial sacrifice (and stress!), Trey has been able to keep the company afloat in hopes that the economy would upswing again. It hasn’t. We are now faced with possible bankruptcy. In some moments, I am overcome with fear of the unknown. I find myself easily agitated and my mind obsessing on gloomy “what ifs.” I’m scared.

This is an opportune time for me to embrace the idea that life is like a bruised peach. If I am willing, which I am, I can focus on and hold onto the many blessings in my life. I have tremendous love and support in my life through my family and my friends. I am healthy and my family is healthy. Trey is a wonderful attorney and over time he will be able to rebuild our financial state. Sure, the prospect of bankruptcy is an ugly distasteful bruise, but it is just one aspect of our lives. We are rich in the ways that matter most to me, and to us. I intend to savor the sweetness that completes the reality of our lives.

postcard pandemonium

Recently, in a bundle of advertisements rubberbanded to our front door knob, I noticed a postcard from a local church with the headline “God’s Free Plan of Salvation.” Intrigued, I perused further. As I read the five bullet points, with Bible references, I could almost hear Morgan Freeman’s booming godly voice (from “Bruce Almighty”) adding emphasis to each statement:

All have sinned.

There is a penalty for sin.

You cannot save yourself.

Salvation has been provided.

The conditions are simple.

Frustration and a little anger surfaced. I admit that I was bummed at the limiting and fear-based views expressed by this church, but I was also bummed with myself for allowing them to trigger judgmental emotions in me. I shared the postcard with Trey. At least we had a good chuckle at the realization of how far our belief system has evolved from the “hell and damnation”  ideology.

I cannot (and will not) argue the Bible. What I do have to share though is that my connection and experiences with Spirit testify to the reality that God is love and so are we. Since my awakening, I have also read many books on spirituality and the soul’s evolution, and I have discovered that my learnings from Spirit are always consistent with the teachings of these books. For me, my connection with Source/Spirit has profoundly broadened my way of thinking, and my way of being, to the extent that the ideas of “sin” and of penalty/punishment and of being “saved” no longer are relevant.

So how is it that many people believe that we are sinners, that as sinners we are condemned to hell and that we are powerless beings, and then for others like myself, none of these viewpoints hold any truth? 

Deepak Chopra in his book, How to Know God, shares that there are seven levels of consciousness. Belief in a punishing God is the lowest level of spiritual evolution. Chopra speaks to the concepts that we are co-creators with God in our lives and that God will meet you where you are. I come back to these concepts often because they straightforwardly explain how humankind’s experience of God is so vastly divergent. They help me to release judgment of others and to allow others to be exactly where they are. If you believe in sin and punishment, and in a vengeful God, then your life experiences will validate those beliefs. God will meet you where you are.

I also found the Conversations with God series by Neale Donald Walsch immensely helpful in explaining broader spiritual principles. I remember reading a passage about Hitler, and God informing Walsch that Hitler did not go to hell. Even though my guides had spoken to me about the idea that sin is not a real concept in the infinite light realm, I still found it difficult to grasp that a soul as menacing as Hitler was not being punished by God. That passage was a slap-me-in-the-face type of “aha” moment.  Even though I heard and understood the teachings from Jesus, my guides and my angels, it was clear that some of my beliefs were/are still so ingrained that I it would take work and willingness and openness on my part to truly shift them and embrace a different possibility and reality.

We have free will to be whomever and whatever we choose to be. Our journey through the many lifetimes we experience on this planet - the Earth school - is to evolve to greater love. As my guides and angels instructed, sin is not an offense or transgression or evil, but simply a choice away from love. In each of the many lives we live, we will make choices away from love and towards love. That is how we learn and grow and define ourselves. That is how we evolve. We always have the opportunity for a higher choice. If we believe in hell, if we believe we are powerless, if we deny our essence as love and as Divine, then we will create and manifest those experiences here and when we return home to the light realm. Thank God though that unconditional love - God, Source, Creator, I Am  - is incapable of judging that choice or any other of our choices as we journey through the different stages of evolution.

two different persons?

Today, Connor, my older daughter, engaged me in a conversation about death. Death was on her mind because the former step-father of a close friend recently committed suicide. We talked about whether the essence of a soul continues through lifetimes in tack or whether it merges with collective consciousness and then splits from the collective as a totally new soul to transition into a new life in this realm. We talked about  past life relationships that we are aware of between the members of our family. Our conversation was comfortable and natural as if we were talking about the weather.  And then at the end of our conversation, she made a comment that stuck with me. She said that I am like two different people to her: with our family I confidently share my spirituality, my experiences and communications with Spirit, my learning and my wisdom, but outside of our family, I don’t. She told me that the way I present myself to the world and live in this world is as if I am afraid of my own power. 

Ouch! And yet, I know she is right. I don’t know why I continue to validate my ego’s list of excuses and defenses that keep me from sharing myself fully. My ego loves an audience so entertain me for a moment as I express the drama of some of my fears!

-I was 35 years old when I had my “awakening” experience in which I left my body and went to the light realm and stood before Christ Consciousness. I also began to communicate directly with my guides and with my deceased brother Craig, and I was able to “see” through my third eye. Yes, this was all beyond amazing, but I had spent my entire life within the confines of organized religion and I didn’t have any foundation or mentors for guidance on how to weave these new experiences and broader understandings into my day to day life or into my relationships with those outside my family. 

-Though I can be strong and stubborn and opinionated at times (usually alcohol induced!), my personality is soft and gentle and reserved and and conflict-averse and private. It is not in me to be pushy and I have no desire to convince or persuade anyone into my beliefs.

-I have past life memories of persecution for sharing my intuitive/psychic gifts and wisdom.

-People will just think I am crazy. People will be afraid of me. People will think that I am a cohort with the devil (a few friends and family actually said so at first!).

I long to live and express myself authentically in this world, the way I do in the safety of my home with my husband and children. This blog is a step in the right direction, but I acknowledge it is a baby step because it is an indirect faceless interaction/sharing and I still find myself refraining from sharing some things in fear that they will be perceived as too out there.

I have lived my life focused on personal growth and improvement and, since my awakening, higher consciousness and evolution, that is, becoming, embracing, being greater love. Connor’s constructive criticism today helped me to see that I have created my home and family as my safe isolated “monastery” or “ashram.” A big part of my journey now is to walk out my front door with my monk robe still on! 

a death and a birth

Life is fascinating to me. The breadth and diversity of my emotional and spiritual travels over relatively short periods of time can be dizzying. I have been home for two days now from my trip to Texas for my biological father’s funeral. I have been processing both consciously and subconsciously through talks with Trey, journaling, energy work with two of my alternative health care providers, and through my dreams. The fogginess in my mind and body is starting to clear and I am elated by the state of calm and authenticity/wholeness and gratitude that I find myself in.

Over the years, I often wondered how I would react to Jerry’s death and his funeral. Would I even go to his funeral? I assumed that I would because I “needed” to be there for my brother and sister. Would I be angry? Shut down or guarded? On the defensive about my decision years ago to cut him out of my life? Might I even be sad? 

Jerry died in Bogata, Columbia and it took a week to return his body back to Texas. That time allowed me to sit with my feelings and gain clarity on what action on my part would serve my highest good. The first gift I gave myself was the possibility of not attending his funeral, without judging myself or feeling guilt. Ultimately, I decided to attend his funeral for me and not out of any superficial sense of obligation to my siblings. I set my intent on simply being present (in the now in each moment) and released all expectations, agendas, and burdens. Maybe I would experience a sense of closure, or maybe not. Maybe I would learn some positive things about Jerry and broaden my understanding of him, or maybe not.

The second gift I gave myself was asking my angels to energetically protect me from Jerry. Life to life...though his body has died, his life force lives on. I literally can feel and visualize my angels completely surrounding me with their wings spread and each holding a sword of light. Nothing less than love can break through their wall of protection. 

When I saw Jerry’s body, the anger and disgust that I anticipated might surface were not there. Nor sadness. Nor fear. Instead, my heart was full of prayers for healing for his soul and for healing of the many souls he abused in this life.

The minister was wonderful. He spoke of the imperfection of mankind, and acknowledged that Jerry brought both good and bad to this world, as have every one of us, and that Jesus modeled forgiveness. I appreciated the fact that he did not glorify Jerry’s life or ignore the pain and hardships that Jerry brought upon his wives and children, but instead was honest about the reality of Jerry’s life and at the same time engendered compassion and forgiveness. 

After the service, I spent the rest of the day with my sister Michelle and with two half siblings I barely knew before that day. That time with them was an incredible gift. We spent several hours at a yummy Mexican restaurant, drinking margaritas, getting to know each other better, and laughing hysterically at the craziness of the stories we shared of our lives with Jerry. Though not intentional, we drank until we were wasted, which we all found hilarious and fitting considering Jerry was a drunk! (Somehow we ended up at Michelle’s house swimming in our funeral attire!) I must have needed the release the alcohol afforded me because at one point I found myself sobbing uncontrollably from the core of my being...like a volcanic eruption of pain and suffering and sadness. And then I was done. (Isn't it ironic that it took much toxic beverage to uncap the toxic emotions that I had buried so deep for so long?! BTW, I still love margaritas!)

There’s been a shift in me. I’m at peace in this moment. I feel more spacious and lighter. I feel like I am manifesting more of who I am than I have ever allowed myself to be. It is like I am finally merging all of the parts of me that I fragmented in my childhood in order to emotionally, physically and spiritually survive and thrive. I went to Jerry’s funeral for myself, with presence, and with an open heart to God’s healing graces. I came home having discovered more of my authentic self.