happy past year!

Happy New Year! A time of resolutions and dreams for the year ahead, and yet, I am drawn to honoring some illuminations from this past year...

Holding Space for another

*Presence and Witnessing

nonverbal

I see you

I feel you and connect with you...without judgment or sinking with you

preferring non-touch unless needed at critical point for grounding/safety

*All is Well mind and heart

embodying, attuning and connecting to...the thought, the feeling, the knowing, the peace that truly All is Well in the grander picture

bringing in the higher frequency of Love allowing some spaciousness and expansion in and around the density of sadness, grief, anger, pain and suffering, and allowing the possibility of the higher frequencies of hope, comfort, peace, lightness

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Being here on Earth is not easy and requires courage and the practice/discipline of

Self Care to remain open and connected and to personally grow and evolve

Instead of resisting and judging my emotional and energetic sensitivity and corresponding mood swings into lows and valleys, ACCEPT and LOVE this part of me that dips into sadness and funk because it IS ME...and there is always rich learning on the other side of it.

ALLOW the flow of emotion and energy IN THE MOMENT when it arises or is triggered, instead of suppressing until a more “convenient” time and place. Pull the car over, go into a bathroom stall, whatever is available in the moment, to bawl or scream or move. This flow, shedding, venting, takes less than two minutes to release the charge. And then give myself another 30 seconds to a minute to allow the adrenaline release to dissipate, using my hands to put gentle pressure on my tummy and/or heart for a sense of safety and grounding and connection.

The point is not to deny, suppress, or bury my emotions but rather TRANSFORM them with my tears, screams, throwing or hitting something safe, running, moving...whatever physically releases them from my body. Use these tools to move beyond survival into thriving.

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Remember to Ask for Help from God/Spirit/Love and from “safe” friends and loved ones

H hello

E eternal

L loving 

P presence 

(Thank you Michael Bernard Beckwith for this profound acronym!)

Help from God/Spirit/Love typically comes to me through dreams, ahaa’s, meditation and through having the courage to share my struggles with Trey or like-minded friends who witness and hold safe, sacred space for me.

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Love simply Is

Trust, know, remember that the essence of Love is real (eternal and unchanging and indestructible). When Trey does or says something that triggers my woundedness and feelings of 

unworthiness

abandonment

losing his love...

remember what is real and that either he has acted out of his stuff and fear, or I have reacted out of my stuff and fear.  Our mutual love remains solid and unchanging.

In reality, my true self is incapable of being harmed, unloved, lessened. My true self exists outside of duality and Is Love (Safe/Worthy).

Happy PAST Year!

loveTrumpshate - healing of the feminine

For the first time in my 30+ years of voting in a Presidential election (I’ve voted both parties over the years), the choice between the candidates moved far beyond politics for me

that's why it hurts so much,

why I feel a sense of personal affront, 

why I am struggling to grasp that more women voted for Trump than didn’t

...women who are thought-ful, loving, nurturing, empowered, peaceful, intelligent, mothers and sisters and daughters and wives and friends...

and yet, faced with, in my mind, this glaring and obvious opportunity for the feminine to say “no more” to misogyny, abuse, demeaning and belittlement, 

“we women” chose more of it please, more of the embodiment and modeling of one of masculine’s lowest energies - the blatant lack of honoring of the feminine. 

How? Why? 

I am compelled for my own sense of peace to understand and process this occurrence (situation, reality, phenomenon...) by doing my best to step into the shoes of this majority of women voters.

Maybe some of us were able to compartmentalize this election into a strictly “political” arena and detach from it personally.
Maybe some of us believe that politics operate under a different set of standards than those we choose to live by in our day to day lives. The show Survivor comes to mind where you can witness honest people compromising their normal standards of integrity because they are able to segregate the experience as a “game” distinct and separate from the “real world or reality.” 
Maybe personal life circumstances dictated that a drastic change in the political arena was a higher priority to vote for than integrity.

Maybe our society or work environments or families or partners have some of us women so accustomed to being 

put down, 

less than,

objectified

not worthy,

that we were not empowered enough to take a stand against the energy and essence of Trump as being abusive to us (and to so many other groups and races),
or maybe we simply are hardened to this abuse because it’s so pervasive in our culture through generations upon generations, and we felt like Trump was not concerning or alarming, but rather a continuation of the status quo.

Maybe there is a myriad of other reasons for women to have voted for Trump.
What I have discovered in my attempt and intention to understand anothers free will choice that feels opposing and threatening to mine, is that I have empowered the graces of empathy and compassion within myself.

Instead of sitting and stewing in the pool of fear and toxicity initially triggered in me by women voting for Trump...

(Dare I admit my fear and judgment for fear of being judged myself?...Yes, I dare...insulted, angry, shocked, grief-stricken, how could those women be so short sighted and selfish and fucking moving us backwards, deeply saddened, forced to look at and possibly accept that women in our progressive country honoring freedom of choice and expression are actually living from root chakra energy and are closed down in their belly, solar plexus and heart chakras...)

I sought understanding and reconciliation with an opposing viewpoint

and now I have woven a thread connecting us and enabling me to

-tap in to peace whenever fear or grief or judgment surfaces again

-gently remind myself that we all live from different circumstances and perspectives (their vote for Trump is only insulting to me when I make the incorrect assumption that they have the same viewpoint and perspective that I do)

-hear and join the call of the divine feminine seeking healing, seeking balance and harmony, with the divine masculine 

-hold the space for awakening, healing, transformation, without judgment

Love, light and healing to the divine feminine in every country, culture and corner of our beautiful world. 

control

Noticing, compassionately with self, that...

The illusion of CONTROL
burdens me
with the insane and perverted
sense of responsibility
for that which happens
outside of me
and for those whom are
outside of me

9/11

My heart remains raw. My prayers of healing and light and love continue for the souls lost to this world on that horrific day fifteen years ago, for their loved ones, for those who survived, for those who witnessed, and for all impacted by the fear and tragedy and loss of the terrorist attack on 9/11. Still, maybe always, too overwhelming to process and grasp, I’d like to share healing words that Christ Consciousness shared with me shortly after the attack.

I had begun a mediation in an attempt to find some peace in the aftermath of 9/11 when Jesus appeared and asked if I’d like to fly with him. I said, “Yes!” He took me by the hand and in the next moment we were hovering high above ground zero. My heart was breaking. These are the words Jesus spoke to me:

This is sad.

Terribly sad.

But it is not real.

Only that which is eternal is real.

As with all communications with the Divine, much greater awareness is conveyed than is possible through and with the limitations of language.

Everything of our 3D world will eventually have an ending. Our bodies will die. Our buildings and cities and all of our grand creations will cease to exist at some point in time. Yet, what is real can not be destroyed, or lost, or taken from us...our spirits, our life force, our beings, are REAL and live on for all eternity. 

This knowing is the source of ultimate peace.

Today I noticed a perfectly heart-shaped leaf on my lemon tree, while all the other leaves are elliptical shaped. Thank you Spirit for the wonder and beauty and healing you grace this world with.

a walk in the woods on a windy day

Peering through my windswept bangs

I revel in the shadows dancing on the ground

leaves and branches of the trees

curls and clothing of me

raising my gaze into the canopy 

that mostly veils the clear blue skies

sparkles of sunlight flash in my eyes

In the distance

wind blowing through the eucalyptus grove

sounds of something familiar in past time

like the roar of a Colorado river waterfall

yet also sounds of something from my new home

like the hum of waves pounding upon the shoreline

Suddenly out in the open land

the golden fields and the tree tops in the distance

stir in waves and ripples

unprotected, vulnerable, 

puppets to the wind’s demands

Back within the womb of the forested ravine

calm, a respite from the wind’s chaos

birds, Dark-eyed Junkos I think, 

flitting about and playing with me it seems

and dragonflies and hummingbirds and butterflies

and a fuzzy red bug I’ve never seen before

and an aging California oak, wound gaping

having disembodied 1/3 of itself onto the forest floor

I rejoice in being a spectator of nature

today I applaud the wind 

the conductor of my symphony of senses 

heightened and pulsating throughout my body

as I walk in the woods on this windy day 

meditation respite

I close my eyes and inhale a spacious breath.

Immediately the wave of HOME washes over me.

I hear my own voice asking myself, “Where have you been? It’s been so long.”

Memories of my travels flash before my mind’s eye in

photos and postcards collected on the countless trips to OTHER places.

I observe, maybe for the first time, that my mind is simply a 

zealous tour guide to endless foreign lands.

I’m exhausted from my travels.

In this moment, I’m grateful to be choosing the respite of home. 

morning grace

I get to wake up to the “cutest” little ugly black chihuahua mix lying next to me.

My heart opens up and gushes unfiltered love and affection...

You are so sweet!

Oh my God, you are the cutest thing ever!

I love you Lola.

I just want to eat you up, you’re so sweet!

Love, love, love you Girl.

...and it feels so yummy to love so fully.