anger

Anger. An emotion that for much of my life I have tried my hardest to avoid. Only in this last year have I stood face to face with my anger, looked it in the eye, and listened to what it has to share with me. It has not been a fun or pretty experience, and it is far from over, but at least now my anger and I are communicating. 

I formed my conceptualization of anger in childhood. My biological father was a violent and dangerous drunk. The “mind fuck” with growing up in that environment is that there was so much to be angry about - the fear, the chaos, the abuse - yet it was not safe to express my anger. In order to survive, I stuffed my anger, and denied it. On top of that, I saw anger as a monster, it was my dad, and with every ounce of my being I was not going to be my dad.

So fast forward 30 plus years and I have finally reached a place in my life that I feel safe enough and healthy enough to allow my expression of anger. I am surprised by how difficult this is for me, but I am doing it, by using my awareness and by tapping into the compassionate help and support of my husband and alternative care network. 

One of the challenges in allowing myself to be angry is that I expect my expression of anger to feel healthy, but it doesn’t. Instead, I feel toxic.  My anger is often bigger than the situation warrants. I don’t like myself when I am angry and, deep down inside, I doubt that others will still love me if I am angry. I fear being viewed as an angry person. I fear the lack of control that I sometimes experience with anger; I call it the “zone.” I enter the zone suddenly, like someone has snuck up from behind and flipped a switch on my back, and once there, I am unable to access control or rational thought until I have vented enough anger to return to consciousness and awareness again. 

This is not pretty, I know. Yet, I am so excited for the day when my expression of anger feels natural and healthy. I am on the path and know that I will get there. I admit too that it is a relief to be allowing my anger, as it has drained me of energy to suppress it for so many years. 

I’m sure I will use this blog to share more about my journey with anger. In the meantime,  I’d like to share the two questions that I use to guide me on the path to greater well-being and authenticity: Do I feel my emotions in the moment? Do I express my emotions in the moment?