loveTrumpshate - healing of the feminine

For the first time in my 30+ years of voting in a Presidential election (I’ve voted both parties over the years), the choice between the candidates moved far beyond politics for me

that's why it hurts so much,

why I feel a sense of personal affront, 

why I am struggling to grasp that more women voted for Trump than didn’t

...women who are thought-ful, loving, nurturing, empowered, peaceful, intelligent, mothers and sisters and daughters and wives and friends...

and yet, faced with, in my mind, this glaring and obvious opportunity for the feminine to say “no more” to misogyny, abuse, demeaning and belittlement, 

“we women” chose more of it please, more of the embodiment and modeling of one of masculine’s lowest energies - the blatant lack of honoring of the feminine. 

How? Why? 

I am compelled for my own sense of peace to understand and process this occurrence (situation, reality, phenomenon...) by doing my best to step into the shoes of this majority of women voters.

Maybe some of us were able to compartmentalize this election into a strictly “political” arena and detach from it personally.
Maybe some of us believe that politics operate under a different set of standards than those we choose to live by in our day to day lives. The show Survivor comes to mind where you can witness honest people compromising their normal standards of integrity because they are able to segregate the experience as a “game” distinct and separate from the “real world or reality.” 
Maybe personal life circumstances dictated that a drastic change in the political arena was a higher priority to vote for than integrity.

Maybe our society or work environments or families or partners have some of us women so accustomed to being 

put down, 

less than,

objectified

not worthy,

that we were not empowered enough to take a stand against the energy and essence of Trump as being abusive to us (and to so many other groups and races),
or maybe we simply are hardened to this abuse because it’s so pervasive in our culture through generations upon generations, and we felt like Trump was not concerning or alarming, but rather a continuation of the status quo.

Maybe there is a myriad of other reasons for women to have voted for Trump.
What I have discovered in my attempt and intention to understand anothers free will choice that feels opposing and threatening to mine, is that I have empowered the graces of empathy and compassion within myself.

Instead of sitting and stewing in the pool of fear and toxicity initially triggered in me by women voting for Trump...

(Dare I admit my fear and judgment for fear of being judged myself?...Yes, I dare...insulted, angry, shocked, grief-stricken, how could those women be so short sighted and selfish and fucking moving us backwards, deeply saddened, forced to look at and possibly accept that women in our progressive country honoring freedom of choice and expression are actually living from root chakra energy and are closed down in their belly, solar plexus and heart chakras...)

I sought understanding and reconciliation with an opposing viewpoint

and now I have woven a thread connecting us and enabling me to

-tap in to peace whenever fear or grief or judgment surfaces again

-gently remind myself that we all live from different circumstances and perspectives (their vote for Trump is only insulting to me when I make the incorrect assumption that they have the same viewpoint and perspective that I do)

-hear and join the call of the divine feminine seeking healing, seeking balance and harmony, with the divine masculine 

-hold the space for awakening, healing, transformation, without judgment

Love, light and healing to the divine feminine in every country, culture and corner of our beautiful world. 

control

Noticing, compassionately with self, that...

The illusion of CONTROL
burdens me
with the insane and perverted
sense of responsibility
for that which happens
outside of me
and for those whom are
outside of me

9/11

My heart remains raw. My prayers of healing and light and love continue for the souls lost to this world on that horrific day fifteen years ago, for their loved ones, for those who survived, for those who witnessed, and for all impacted by the fear and tragedy and loss of the terrorist attack on 9/11. Still, maybe always, too overwhelming to process and grasp, I’d like to share healing words that Christ Consciousness shared with me shortly after the attack.

I had begun a mediation in an attempt to find some peace in the aftermath of 9/11 when Jesus appeared and asked if I’d like to fly with him. I said, “Yes!” He took me by the hand and in the next moment we were hovering high above ground zero. My heart was breaking. These are the words Jesus spoke to me:

This is sad.

Terribly sad.

But it is not real.

Only that which is eternal is real.

As with all communications with the Divine, much greater awareness is conveyed than is possible through and with the limitations of language.

Everything of our 3D world will eventually have an ending. Our bodies will die. Our buildings and cities and all of our grand creations will cease to exist at some point in time. Yet, what is real can not be destroyed, or lost, or taken from us...our spirits, our life force, our beings, are REAL and live on for all eternity. 

This knowing is the source of ultimate peace.

Today I noticed a perfectly heart-shaped leaf on my lemon tree, while all the other leaves are elliptical shaped. Thank you Spirit for the wonder and beauty and healing you grace this world with.

a walk in the woods on a windy day

Peering through my windswept bangs

I revel in the shadows dancing on the ground

leaves and branches of the trees

curls and clothing of me

raising my gaze into the canopy 

that mostly veils the clear blue skies

sparkles of sunlight flash in my eyes

In the distance

wind blowing through the eucalyptus grove

sounds of something familiar in past time

like the roar of a Colorado river waterfall

yet also sounds of something from my new home

like the hum of waves pounding upon the shoreline

Suddenly out in the open land

the golden fields and the tree tops in the distance

stir in waves and ripples

unprotected, vulnerable, 

puppets to the wind’s demands

Back within the womb of the forested ravine

calm, a respite from the wind’s chaos

birds, Dark-eyed Junkos I think, 

flitting about and playing with me it seems

and dragonflies and hummingbirds and butterflies

and a fuzzy red bug I’ve never seen before

and an aging California oak, wound gaping

having disembodied 1/3 of itself onto the forest floor

I rejoice in being a spectator of nature

today I applaud the wind 

the conductor of my symphony of senses 

heightened and pulsating throughout my body

as I walk in the woods on this windy day 

meditation respite

I close my eyes and inhale a spacious breath.

Immediately the wave of HOME washes over me.

I hear my own voice asking myself, “Where have you been? It’s been so long.”

Memories of my travels flash before my mind’s eye in

photos and postcards collected on the countless trips to OTHER places.

I observe, maybe for the first time, that my mind is simply a 

zealous tour guide to endless foreign lands.

I’m exhausted from my travels.

In this moment, I’m grateful to be choosing the respite of home. 

morning grace

I get to wake up to the “cutest” little ugly black chihuahua mix lying next to me.

My heart opens up and gushes unfiltered love and affection...

You are so sweet!

Oh my God, you are the cutest thing ever!

I love you Lola.

I just want to eat you up, you’re so sweet!

Love, love, love you Girl.

...and it feels so yummy to love so fully.

a return to innocence

I’m in the intention and space of Returning to Innocence

...but how...

...is it even possible?

Yes...by choosing

Who you are

without...

fear 

self judgment and criticism

guarding or closing down or armoring your heart...

accumulated through life experiences of 

abuse/trauma/broken heart/prejudice/”scarcity” of opportunities, resources, love, ETC...

Yes...by choosing 

Yes...by living from the knowing of

Yes...by empowering

Who you are in truth and essence

Bam! Fist pump...mind explosion!

taking a stand against Trump's bullying

As parents, we teach our children not to be bystanders in the face of bullying

and instead to interject themselves 

and take a stand that the bullying is NOT okay.

As an adult, and as a registered voter who is comfortable as a bystander 

with most political discussions, debates, campaigns, elections...

I am compelled to interject myself and take a stand...

Mr. Trump, your bullying is not okay or acceptable in this country or in our world!

love starts with me

you plus me makes three

“we”

the third entity

we

as important as you

but less than me

where the sanctity

of love must first blossom

puppy love

My dog Lola has a best friend

not sure why I’m so amazed by this

tickled from within 

and deeply moved by this?

as Lola and I are in relationship

yet still I am

Millie lives 4 houses down

the other “little black dog” on our street

both chihuahuas 

mixed with some breed sweet

Millie the submissive one

though young and energetic

Lola dominant

though older and slower

How could I know they’re BFFs

since unable to express

their friendship?

it’s adorably undeniably obvious

kisses and playtime attest 

to their kinship

Grrrs and growls arousing

lively bouts of 

doggie “ruff-housing”

My lap a favored playground 

for nipping at the other’s ears 

or a tug of war ploy

to destuff the chosen toy

Games of chase 

and running races

French kisses aplenty

Naps side by side

or one on each side of me

Man claims dogs to be his best friend

I'm so grateful to have experienced this

Oreo and now Lola

both blessed me with this

I’m just tickled that my Lola

has a canine best friend too

relief! joy! gratitude!

The biopsy of my uterus came back normal!!!!!

cancer scare

There’s nothing like a cancer scare  

to slap you in the face and remind you of your own mortality...

to bring you to a sudden halt of the mindless routine of normal days 

and take account of your thinking and actions and choices

I’m in that scary “don’t know yet” space 

that started a week and a half ago 

when the doctor called “after hours” expressing a serious concern 

and then made room in his schedule the next day 

to get a biopsy of my uterus 

and still waiting... 

with my emotions swinging between fear and peace... 

for the doctor to call with my test results

My mind wanders and jumps along the continuum of time

to the known of the past

understanding how and why cancer might thrive in my body

to the unknown of the future

having peace...

with my body’s inevitable death

and the life I have lived 

overflowing with love given and received

yet still longing... 

to live this life fully in freedom

and know my grandchildren

and birth more love and light into this world

and make love with my beloved for years more

to the lucidity of now...this moment...the present

reality

truth

ALL that any of us has

19 years of grace

19 years today, graced with our Gracie

Day 1 determined to arrive feet first

ready to play soccer from the start!

Gracefully kneaded onto your head

our doctor creating a masterpiece of art

Your toddler days

Dad’s favorite memory of you and me

you a magnitude of will and personality

turning my ideal of grace on its head

(this time figuratively)

I held you to the heavens, befuddled

“You are not the Grace I thought you would be!”

Through the many days 

through the many years of your life

I have been graced with witnessing 

the vastness of your heart

and how much more you are 

than I ever imagined from your start:

your strength and courage

your honesty and fairness and directness

your kindness and compassion

your ability to process emotions in time

your authenticity and self-empowerment

your sensitivity and connection and presence

your role modeling of the Divine Feminine

your love of others and firstly, of yourSelf

Yes, you are also our

attention junkie, and

inappropriate child...(aargh!)

But I know that all of these qualities are what make you 

the magnificent manifestation

of GRACE that you are

Happy Blessed Love-filled Fun-filled Birthday Gracie!

I love love love you!

Mom

what is my body trying to tell me?

Three weeks ago, my uterine fibroids triggered my uterus to bleed. Nine plus years have passed since my last period, and this is the second time in those nine years that my hormone replacement therapy (HRT) has caused my fibroids to grow and bring on bleeding that won’t stop until I decrease my hormones (estrogen) or get off them all together. The first time I had break through bleeding, I chose to get off HRT for 3 years, and I was miserable; nothing seemed to clear the fog that settled in my brain and I felt devoid of creative thought and ideas. Both my energy and my brain were dull and flat and robotic. In this moment, I am fearful of returning to that state of living without color or vibrancy or creativity. 

Is a hysterectomy the simple and obvious solution? On the one hand, it would allow me to take the dosage of HRT necessary to feel vibrant again. On the other hand, if I remove my uterus because it is overrun with fibroids, am I throwing the baby out with the bath water and discarding the salient guidance and lessons offered from my fibrous messengers? And potentially worse, if I choose to ignore my emotional beliefs that manifested these fibroids in the first place, might I manifest an even more malevolent disease or illness elsewhere in my body?

I do not yet know how I am going to proceed, and I do not intend to prematurely label one choice as right and the other wrong. I am simply exploring, and considering, and listening to the wisdom of my body and my intuition....

From The Secret Language of Your Body by Inna Segal...

Fibroid Tumors and Cysts -  Holding onto hurts and regrets from the past. Secretly wanting revenge. Feeling disempowered and victimised. Feeling forced into things you do not want to do. Nursing disappointments and failures from the past.

Uterus - Discounting the feminine aspect of self, holding on to old hurts and rejection, mother issues. Feeling depleted, ungrounded, unsupported, neglected and unbalanced. Over concern with other people’s problems. Lack of appreciation and nurturing for self. Constant need for approval.

Over the last few months, I have observed that I hold several of the negative beliefs that Segal lists as causing fibroids and uterine issues. 

~I have been dreaming of my childhood abuse, and even when awake, old memories have surfaced of victimization, and living in fear, and feeling disempowered and powerless to protect myself. 

~I am surprised at how often I still worry over my children, who are all grown and on their own journeys in life, even though I desire to wholly release them. 

~I have been overwhelmed in a couple of seemingly innocuous situations to the point where I went home and cried hysterically (so not typical of me), as if I was expressing fear that my body has held onto from trauma long ago. 

~Though twisted and nonsensical, I am seeing the anger I hold against myself, the little girl Jenice, who “could have/should have” done a better job at protecting herself and seeking help...and maybe I need to forgive her...or maybe I just need to love her....  

~And, I have been on a rollercoaster ride of a paradigm shift, paralleling the journeys of both of my daughters’ as well as a dear girlfriend’s, as I strive to stand in my own authentic power and embrace the divine feminine within me, that is me. 

I am grateful for my body’s urging to release past trauma and my body’s unwarranted fight or flight responses. I am grateful for this opportunity to step into the NOW of knowing that I am safe, that I am empowered, and that I am love and loved. 

Talk to me fibroids. Talk to me uterus. I am ready to listen. 

Aunt Donna: a modern day heroine and role model

On our drive home last night after seeing Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens, my hubby reflected that the movie industry often creates strong female heroines by giving them masculine traits (see also, Mad Max: Fury Road, and The Hunger Games series). Makes for great entertainment, but these female characters remain simply movie characters and unlikely translate into role modeling the essence of a strong female. 

My Aunt Donna transitioned back home to the spiritual realm a week ago (January 25th) at the age of 76. I didn’t see her much after my mom divorced my father (her brother), and then I “divorced” my father in my early teens, yet throughout my life, I have still felt connected to her and inspired by her life’s journey.

Donna was “wicked smart,” graduating high school and college each in just 3 years, and then was one of the first women to attend SMU Law School. She was confident as a person, and as a business woman, and yet not arrogant. She was kind to others and shared a special bond with animals, domestic and wild. I will always remember her unique and infectious laugh, and the feeling that she really cared for me, and I will always appreciate her efforts to stay in touch with me through the years. I adore the fact that in her late 40’s she went back to SMU to take dance classes, and that even into her more senior years she competed in country western ballroom dancing. And of course there is more to her, travel and gardening and triathlons and love of family...more glimpses into her passions and a life lived richly and fully. 

Donna, thank you for living a life of love and passion and strength and kindness and compassion and generosity. Thank you for being nothing less than the beautiful loving you and role modeling what it truly means to be an authentically empowered female in this world.  

creating miracles

Our youngest child Gracie is currently immersed in a “spicy challenge” in her life, and yet the pervasive energy is authentic power.

Gracie recently decided to transfer to a different university and soccer program. She doesn’t yet know where she will land, but she is in the process of talking with and visiting other soccer programs. The reactions of her teammates and coaches to her decision to transfer have been mixed, but of course the negativity is the most difficult to deal with.

When you are in a relationship with another person, you hope... 

to feel supported by that person

to feel that the other person knows you...understands you... gets you

to feel that the relationship lifts you up and provides fertile grounds for you to be an even better person

to feel that there exists mutual respect.

When you find yourself in a relationship where... 

you feel beaten down

you feel less than and never good enough and begin to doubt yourself

you feel your passion and energy drained and lost

...you KNOW that your relationship is not in alignment with your intentions and journey; no right or wrong here, no blame on either person, just simply a mismatch of personalities.

Your feelings in any relationship or situation are the purest indicator of your alignment. 

Gracie’s feelings have given her the strength of clarity to make a change for better alignment. Her decision is self-empowering and role models for so many of us what honoring and respecting and loving yourSelf actually looks like. 

Some of her beloved teammates may never understand her decision, but, thankfully, Grace is wholly tapped in to, and honoring, what is healthiest for her. Only you know what is right for you. No one else can dictate or control that.

I am overwhelmed with awe witnessing my daughter create and manifest in “miracle” energy, the energy of creating through love with all fear released, allowing like energies, like intentions, like alignments to flow freely and connect effortlessly to each other. I second the sentiment of one of her teammates, “Hell yeah Gracie you rock! You do you like you always do!”

2016: follow my bliss, not my lists

Jenice, please release 

rehashing and regret 

disappointment and my critical voice

lists and control

“shoulds” and “have tos”

of my progress, my productivity, my choices

last year...and yesterday...and today

I only have this moment Now

total Freedom to Play

when I observe my pattern of Self distraction

through... 

TV

lists 

“no energy” excuses

phone games...

take a moment, a deep breath, and ask myself: 

What do I really want in this moment?

Will this bring me joy or connection?

New Year potential:

follow my creative impulses

meditate more regularly...

I know the Flow that flows from it!

just thinking of all the possible to-dos

that I now have the time to-do

drains my life force

so... 

follow my Bliss, not my lists

Christmas: loving us into love

I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.       

~ Charles Dickens

I am deeply grateful for America’s cultural honoring and celebration of Christmas, that we have collectively deemed this holiday worthy to interrupt work schedules and the normal routines of our lives. Granted, there is the gift giving and consumerism and parties, but Christmas-time holds the space for so many more rich opportunities...to gather at “home,” connecting and communing with family and friends, to honor the birth of Christ and the gifts of his brief life on this planet that have persevered through so many years and generations, and to reflect upon the innumerable blessings in our lives.

My love for Christ is overwhelming, and yet, even at Christmas, I observe my own resistance to sharing our heart-felt love and connection. I struggle to contain a love that feels uncontainable, because I do not want to risk aligning with Christianity’s teachings that Jesus is the ONLY way and truth and answer...and that any other way is wrong. 

My love for Christ Consciousness is the same as:

Deva Premal’s love for Osho

Ram Dass’ love for his guru Maharaj ji

the Dalai Lama’s love for Buddha

...you get the idea

Many teachers, masters, prophets, persons have lived on Earth and manifested pure, divine love expressing...the essence of each of us. 

I love Jesus, and through our connection I have found my true self. Through Jesus I have tapped into divine love, the love that is our essence and source. Through whom have you found your true self? Who fills your entire being with love, knowing, bliss, truth, peace...? Who past or present, in this world or on the other side of the veil, has opened your heart allowing you to be truly present in this world, with profound divine love overflowing, with connection to all? 

In my love and celebration of Jesus at Christmas (and every day), I am also celebrating and honoring all of the teachers and masters and love energies who have loved us into love. I am grateful.