in the dark

I’m struggling right now. Grace was in pain most of this last week after breaking her arm last Sunday and Mason is on day 5 of the flu. It was hard enough for him to miss the LA audition that we had already bought flights for and now we are leaving in two days for a week and a half of dance Nationals in NYC and he is still feverish and very weak. His solo isn’t finished and he’s scheduled to perform it on Wednesday. The majority of this dance year has been focused on Nationals and now they feel at risk. Major bummer.

Grace’s concussion and broken arm and Mason’s flu all trigger fear in me. I think it is natural for a mother to desire health and wellness for her children, but I see in myself the unhealthy tendency of taking on their injuries and illness as my responsibility...both for their occurrence in the first place and also to fix and resolve. I am driven to control what is out of my control. I feel helpless and lost, and I feel powerless, alone and scared.

I know that I have the opportunity in these situations to break the dysfunctional patterns and beliefs that I established as a kid growing up in a volatile environment with an alcoholic father. As a child, my safety literally was contingent on my micro-managing my father’s moods. And when I wasn’t successful in preventing his abuse, I believed it was my fault and that I should have done better somehow.

In this moment, I feel the familiar desperation of needing to do better somehow. 

Fear is a dark place. It is seductive in its ability to convince me that I am without authentic power and that I have been abandoned by Spirit. It twists and contorts my knowing of peace and centeredness into a chaotic state of confusion and blame and guilt. Being in fear sucks.

I know that my fear not only hurts me, but it ripples down to my children. I wish that I was wiser and more enlightened in this moment, that is, that I was “above and beyond” fear. I wish that I could see the path out of this dark space. 

bam! bam!

Well, I just took an unplanned almost 3 week break from blogging. I miss it! Connor came home from college for 3 days and then headed to Costa Rica for a 5 week exchange program and then a week of traveling. Family came into town to see Mason’s end of the year performance. (He and I are headed to LA for an audition on Friday and then to NYC with his studio for Nationals for 2 weeks.) My father was here for Father’s Day, which was a treat. And Gracie returned to sports last week after two weeks off from a mild concussion and then broke her arm on Sunday!

Bam! Bam! Two significant injuries during soccer games over a short period of time clearly indicating to the both of us that it is important for her to look at her feelings and beliefs around soccer to see how she is playing a part in creating/attracting injury to herself right now. We pulled out Louise Hay’s book Heal Your Body A-Z The Mental Causes for Physical Illness and the Way to Overcome Them, as well as Inna Segal’s book The Secret Language of Your Body The Essential Guide to Healing. I love, love, love these two books and often refer to them when either I or a family member is sick or injured. These books are a valuable reminder to me that my health is not solely impacted by the external, but is also compromised by negativity in my beliefs, thinking, and feelings about myself.

Grace and I had a meaningful discussion and sharing that was long overdue, culminating in a beneficial emotional release by her. The silver lining is that she has an opportunity for self-discovery and growth. Forced slowdown is not so bad either!

Hoping to have free internet in my hotel rooms over the next few weeks so that I can get back into the writing flow. Love to all. 

thank you God for the gift of nature

Although it is finally summer here in Fort Collins, just a short drive away into the foothills and mountains, it is still spring. Sometimes when I hike in the mountains, the scenery seems too perfect to be real. Today was one of those days. Sigh.

The hillsides are vibrant in their varying shades of green - grasses and bushes, evergreens and aspens, and countless other trees and plants. Wildflowers add sprinklings and splashes of yellow, pink, purple and white. Today, penny-sized moths with fluorescent indigo wings fluttered along the path. At times, a simple footstep would arouse a burst of bluish-purple shooting stars. The vibratory flight of hummingbirds and the roar of the river active from the snow melt entertained my ears.

My mind struggled to comprehend that this paradise was not a “Magical Kingdom” fabricated by Disney, but instead real and natural in its own creation. The beauty was so intense and profound that I simply desired to melt into it. 

Thank you God for the gift of nature.

what if?

It’s 7am. We’re eating breakfast in a crowded hotel restaurant. 

Through the window, clear blue skies reveal a beautiful Colorado morning.

A big screen TV blares news of the previous day.  

Sleepy faces stare blankly at the reporter.

Ears attune to stories of murder, sexual assault and a deadly bus crash.

Eyes glaze over. Emotions numb. Life force seeps from people in the room.

With the gift of a new beginning offered by each day, is this really what we choose to expose ourselves to?

In that moment, I am struck by the absurdity of our common morning rituals.

What if...we simply turned off the TV (or set aside the newspaper for later in the day)?

Would I experience the stranger at the table next to me more deeply?

Within us, we possess the resources to bring resolution, harmony and peace to the stress, hardships and struggles in our personal lives.

What if...we allowed our bodies, our minds, our spirits to naturally and peacefully shed their drowsy robes, instead of bombarding and fatiguing our senses with sadness, negativity and overwhelm?

What if...we consciously chose to to start each day with rituals that boost our own inherent power, wisdom and beauty?

Messages of hope. 

Meditation. 

Stories and affirmations of the goodness of humankind. 

Reminders that each day is beaming with the possibility of healing and of creating magnificent lives. 

Centering. Presence.

Freely flowing breath.

Connection with nature. 

Beautiful instrumental music softly and subtly surrounding us. 

Faith in unlimited possibilities, that is, miracles.

Rituals that open us up to living, rather than leading us to shut down and barricade our beingness and awareness in order to protect ourselves.

What if?

What if...we could literally see the energy created by our choices?

I did on this morning. 

a heads up to energy-sensitive folks

For all of you energy-sensitive folks out there, and for those of you who are feeling “out of sorts” for no apparent reason, I recently learned that there is a powerful influx of energy entering the earth right now, which started about a week ago and will last (at least) through the end of this month. 

I haven’t been sleeping well this last week, I feel anxious and am finding it difficult to focus. I was pleased to learn that these symptoms are not about my physical or emotional health, but rather about my sensitivity to the shift in the earth’s energy. Other common symptoms that may be experienced are irritability, depression, headaches and fatigue.

An intuitive friend shared that it is important to take time each day to center and ground ourselves, otherwise we run the risk of overloading or blowing out our energy systems. Also, when we center ourselves, we expand on our own ability to process this energy influx, assisting shifts within ourselves. With awareness, we have the opportunity to use the earth’s energetic shift to aid us in areas where we personally would like to make positive change.