bleeding again

On bio-identical hormones since I was 42 years old, my last period when I was 45 years old (3 1/2 years years ago!), and for the past 5 days, I have been bleeding excessively. I’m talking the first 3 days bleeding out an ultra tampon every 45 minutes to an hour and half, and cramping that approached Braxton Hicks-like contractions. (I know...TMI...but please keep reading!) The last 2 days I slowed down to making it 1 1/2 to 2 hours on an ultra, thank God, because at least I could get out of the house for quick errands and a doctor appointment!

With the sudden flood of blood, came the sudden flood of fear. The few times in the past when I have had an “unusual” health condition, my first thoughts go to cancer or another life-threatening condition. I seem to remain in my head until I have spoken with a doctor, had tests run, or in some way been assured that all is okay.

Now that I have met with my doctor and have scheduled an appointment two days from now with a gynecologist, I am finally able to give my mind a rest and look at my bleeding from a place beyond a physical cause and effect, to a place where I am able to grasp an energetic cause and effect and to also intuitively understand what is happening to my body. My tendencies to address a health concern from the processing of my left brain and in a timely fashion are good ones, I just wish that I could be in both my head and my intuition from the start.

Louise Hay, in her book Heal Your Body A-Z, The Mental Causes for Physical Illness and the Way to Overcome Them, says that the uterus represents the home of creativity, and she suggests the new thought pattern “I am at home in my body.” The probable cause with problems with bleeding is “Joy running out. Anger. But where?” The probable cause with menopause problems is “Fear of no longer being wanted. Fear of aging. Self-rejection. Not feeling good enough.”

Okay, well, addressing all of these issues would keep me busy blogging for months, so I will just admit that sadly I have struggled most of my life with every negative thought/belief expressed above. :(

[A second book I refer to for guidance on what thought patterns and beliefs create particular illnesses is The Secret Language of Your Body, The Essential Guide to Healing by Inna Segal. This book also gives visualization exercises for healing.]

Intuitively, this bleeding is connected to all my work and focus on my lower back, which has been locked up for about 20 years. For the last year, I have been digging deep inside to shine light on the emotional and energetic causes of the blocks that I have created in my first and second chakras, and in my lower spine. I have done energy work, weekly network chiropractic work, and monthly acupuncture visits. Since December, I’ve also worked with a PT who “raised” my dropped kidneys (not a fun experience!), and has helped me to stay in my body and connect to my body, rather than check out of it as was my tendency, when feeling fear or anger or other negative overwhelming emotions, allowing my body to process and dissipate the emotion instead of storing it.

So maybe I am a very powerful creator (I know I am) and am literally shedding and detoxing and flushing the critical, limiting, fearful beliefs that I have held on to for so long. Yesterday, my network chiropractor, who is highly intuitive, said that he feels that my dramatic bleeding is akin to a high fever that burns off an infection, and suggested that I mentally and energetically allow it. I immediately connected to his perspective and felt a wave of knowing and peace throughout my body.

Notes to self: go inside/tune within and feel gratitude for this significant bleeding/shedding; feel gratitude for every part of my body; feel gratitude for the remarkable support network that the Universe has sent my way; do visualizations from Inna Segal’s book; allow my uterus and my bleeding to speak to me.

my voice

Today I venture out into the blogosphere world! Hello out there! Although I desire to have accountability for writing on a regular basis, my main intent for blogging is to openly share life from the perspective of a person deeply embedded in my humanness, but also closely connected with my spiritual guidance and my own spirit. I will share the joys, the frustrations, and everything in between, of navigating life from both a human/earthly and a soul/spiritual perspective. Through my friend Erin's sharing of her experiences with me, I found the courage and comfort to explore, open up to and acknowledge my own spiritual essence. With gratitude and love, I hope to be a like catalyst for many.

As a reminder to myself when needed, I'm including a writing of mine from October 28, 2007.

I realized something today. I remember Allen (my spiritual counselor and mentor) telling me that I should write with my own voice and that every person has their own unique voice. I didn’t get that until today. Before today, I thought that I had to find or discover my voice. But now I know that my unique voice is the topics and ideas that flow through me and from me. I am interested in certain things. Certain topics intrigue me. They just naturally show up - an idea, a thought, an experience, my point of view or perspective. This is my voice.

I also used to feel as if I had to serve up my voice in a way that others would be able to "get." I tried to temper it and edit it in a way that I could only guess would connect with others experiences. I see how limiting that attempt was and is. My experiences have brought me to my unique ideas, and thoughts, and perspective. That is my authentic voice. And that is what I will write about!

It will not be effort or work. It will not feel burdensome or heavy. It will flow through me when it is time.

I choose to be a voice of healing for the collective consciousness. Even if my ideas are far out. Even if many do not get it. I honor that this is my voice. And I am ready to speak it.

Here’s to playing with keys on this keyboard and computer. Let’s dance. Okay? Okay!

It seems that I am finally ready!