love starts with me

you plus me makes three

“we”

the third entity

we

as important as you

but less than me

where the sanctity

of love must first blossom

puppy love

My dog Lola has a best friend

not sure why I’m so amazed by this

tickled from within 

and deeply moved by this?

as Lola and I are in relationship

yet still I am

Millie lives 4 houses down

the other “little black dog” on our street

both chihuahuas 

mixed with some breed sweet

Millie the submissive one

though young and energetic

Lola dominant

though older and slower

How could I know they’re BFFs

since unable to express

their friendship?

it’s adorably undeniably obvious

kisses and playtime attest 

to their kinship

Grrrs and growls arousing

lively bouts of 

doggie “ruff-housing”

My lap a favored playground 

for nipping at the other’s ears 

or a tug of war ploy

to destuff the chosen toy

Games of chase 

and running races

French kisses aplenty

Naps side by side

or one on each side of me

Man claims dogs to be his best friend

I'm so grateful to have experienced this

Oreo and now Lola

both blessed me with this

I’m just tickled that my Lola

has a canine best friend too

relief! joy! gratitude!

The biopsy of my uterus came back normal!!!!!

cancer scare

There’s nothing like a cancer scare  

to slap you in the face and remind you of your own mortality...

to bring you to a sudden halt of the mindless routine of normal days 

and take account of your thinking and actions and choices

I’m in that scary “don’t know yet” space 

that started a week and a half ago 

when the doctor called “after hours” expressing a serious concern 

and then made room in his schedule the next day 

to get a biopsy of my uterus 

and still waiting... 

with my emotions swinging between fear and peace... 

for the doctor to call with my test results

My mind wanders and jumps along the continuum of time

to the known of the past

understanding how and why cancer might thrive in my body

to the unknown of the future

having peace...

with my body’s inevitable death

and the life I have lived 

overflowing with love given and received

yet still longing... 

to live this life fully in freedom

and know my grandchildren

and birth more love and light into this world

and make love with my beloved for years more

to the lucidity of now...this moment...the present

reality

truth

ALL that any of us has

19 years of grace

19 years today, graced with our Gracie

Day 1 determined to arrive feet first

ready to play soccer from the start!

Gracefully kneaded onto your head

our doctor creating a masterpiece of art

Your toddler days

Dad’s favorite memory of you and me

you a magnitude of will and personality

turning my ideal of grace on its head

(this time figuratively)

I held you to the heavens, befuddled

“You are not the Grace I thought you would be!”

Through the many days 

through the many years of your life

I have been graced with witnessing 

the vastness of your heart

and how much more you are 

than I ever imagined from your start:

your strength and courage

your honesty and fairness and directness

your kindness and compassion

your ability to process emotions in time

your authenticity and self-empowerment

your sensitivity and connection and presence

your role modeling of the Divine Feminine

your love of others and firstly, of yourSelf

Yes, you are also our

attention junkie, and

inappropriate child...(aargh!)

But I know that all of these qualities are what make you 

the magnificent manifestation

of GRACE that you are

Happy Blessed Love-filled Fun-filled Birthday Gracie!

I love love love you!

Mom

what is my body trying to tell me?

Three weeks ago, my uterine fibroids triggered my uterus to bleed. Nine plus years have passed since my last period, and this is the second time in those nine years that my hormone replacement therapy (HRT) has caused my fibroids to grow and bring on bleeding that won’t stop until I decrease my hormones (estrogen) or get off them all together. The first time I had break through bleeding, I chose to get off HRT for 3 years, and I was miserable; nothing seemed to clear the fog that settled in my brain and I felt devoid of creative thought and ideas. Both my energy and my brain were dull and flat and robotic. In this moment, I am fearful of returning to that state of living without color or vibrancy or creativity. 

Is a hysterectomy the simple and obvious solution? On the one hand, it would allow me to take the dosage of HRT necessary to feel vibrant again. On the other hand, if I remove my uterus because it is overrun with fibroids, am I throwing the baby out with the bath water and discarding the salient guidance and lessons offered from my fibrous messengers? And potentially worse, if I choose to ignore my emotional beliefs that manifested these fibroids in the first place, might I manifest an even more malevolent disease or illness elsewhere in my body?

I do not yet know how I am going to proceed, and I do not intend to prematurely label one choice as right and the other wrong. I am simply exploring, and considering, and listening to the wisdom of my body and my intuition....

From The Secret Language of Your Body by Inna Segal...

Fibroid Tumors and Cysts -  Holding onto hurts and regrets from the past. Secretly wanting revenge. Feeling disempowered and victimised. Feeling forced into things you do not want to do. Nursing disappointments and failures from the past.

Uterus - Discounting the feminine aspect of self, holding on to old hurts and rejection, mother issues. Feeling depleted, ungrounded, unsupported, neglected and unbalanced. Over concern with other people’s problems. Lack of appreciation and nurturing for self. Constant need for approval.

Over the last few months, I have observed that I hold several of the negative beliefs that Segal lists as causing fibroids and uterine issues. 

~I have been dreaming of my childhood abuse, and even when awake, old memories have surfaced of victimization, and living in fear, and feeling disempowered and powerless to protect myself. 

~I am surprised at how often I still worry over my children, who are all grown and on their own journeys in life, even though I desire to wholly release them. 

~I have been overwhelmed in a couple of seemingly innocuous situations to the point where I went home and cried hysterically (so not typical of me), as if I was expressing fear that my body has held onto from trauma long ago. 

~Though twisted and nonsensical, I am seeing the anger I hold against myself, the little girl Jenice, who “could have/should have” done a better job at protecting herself and seeking help...and maybe I need to forgive her...or maybe I just need to love her....  

~And, I have been on a rollercoaster ride of a paradigm shift, paralleling the journeys of both of my daughters’ as well as a dear girlfriend’s, as I strive to stand in my own authentic power and embrace the divine feminine within me, that is me. 

I am grateful for my body’s urging to release past trauma and my body’s unwarranted fight or flight responses. I am grateful for this opportunity to step into the NOW of knowing that I am safe, that I am empowered, and that I am love and loved. 

Talk to me fibroids. Talk to me uterus. I am ready to listen. 

Aunt Donna: a modern day heroine and role model

On our drive home last night after seeing Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens, my hubby reflected that the movie industry often creates strong female heroines by giving them masculine traits (see also, Mad Max: Fury Road, and The Hunger Games series). Makes for great entertainment, but these female characters remain simply movie characters and unlikely translate into role modeling the essence of a strong female. 

My Aunt Donna transitioned back home to the spiritual realm a week ago (January 25th) at the age of 76. I didn’t see her much after my mom divorced my father (her brother), and then I “divorced” my father in my early teens, yet throughout my life, I have still felt connected to her and inspired by her life’s journey.

Donna was “wicked smart,” graduating high school and college each in just 3 years, and then was one of the first women to attend SMU Law School. She was confident as a person, and as a business woman, and yet not arrogant. She was kind to others and shared a special bond with animals, domestic and wild. I will always remember her unique and infectious laugh, and the feeling that she really cared for me, and I will always appreciate her efforts to stay in touch with me through the years. I adore the fact that in her late 40’s she went back to SMU to take dance classes, and that even into her more senior years she competed in country western ballroom dancing. And of course there is more to her, travel and gardening and triathlons and love of family...more glimpses into her passions and a life lived richly and fully. 

Donna, thank you for living a life of love and passion and strength and kindness and compassion and generosity. Thank you for being nothing less than the beautiful loving you and role modeling what it truly means to be an authentically empowered female in this world.