bad can be good

Picking up from yesterday’s blog, I have found myself continuing to process my feelings about Sam decisions and with that my beliefs and perspective on right vs. wrong, on good vs. bad, and on making mistakes. I acknowledge that sometimes I hold my loved ones to high standards, that I am disappointed in them when they falter from my hopes and ideals, and that worry and fear are typically my natural responses when they falter. 

Yet at the same time, I recognize that my standards and ideals are not only random, but are actually an illusion and a delusion on my part. I am not standing in the other person’s shoes. I am not living their life and I am not on their journey. Theoretically, I know that no one is perfect. Theoretically, I believe in the gift of making mistakes, of stumbling and struggling, as through all of our decisions, whether “right” or “wrong,” and through all of our challenges, we discover who we are and how we choose to be in this world. 

I am conflicted. My love for another is what spurns my hopes of ease, success and function for them. But when my hopes transmute into rigid expectations and the bar from which I judge another’s decisions as right or wrong, then it is valuable for me to see that this kind of love is limited and tainted, is qualified and conditional, and is still fear-based.

At an even deeper level, I see that my judgment of another is a reflection back on me of my deeply-rooted judgment of self. I am harder on myself than I am on anyone else. I am harder on myself than anyone else is on me. I tend to give myself a brutal internal whipping when I make mistakes. I hold myself to unrealistic standards, with the misconception that I should know better and be better. I can’t even count the number of  times my guidance has asked me to be gentle with myself.

I have been told by Spirit that there actually is no right or wrong, no good or bad. Our delineation and labeling of good and bad, though convenient, and arguably a necessity in our experience of this three dimensional world, has become warped. We are served when we grasp the true essence of our choices. A good choice is simply a choice toward greater love and a bad choice is a step away from love. Yet our bad choices are actually good, in that they give us the opportunity to understand that we can create whatever we want to create. Bad choices can bring the awareness that we may need to make a choice toward love the next time. Bad choices are one of our learning tools for personal growth.

I think that through allowing myself to make more mistakes, I may actually learn to authentically value myself. And I am guessing that with this freedom, I may grow even more beautiful and bright.