marginalization of the feminine

In many cultures of the past, and even in some cultures today, females have been deemed less valuable and important than males. The degradation of females has manifested in countless ways and forms: females have been considered property rather than human; we have been abducted and sold into sex trafficking businesses; we have been forbidden to participate in religion, education and the workplace; we have been persecuted for our sexuality while men have had few boundaries with theirs....  Men have used their physical power to usurp power over females in all areas, creating societies of male domination.

I have an empowered life, a life where my femininity is valued equally to the masculine. I have been equally educated. I have worked equally in the workplace. My husband values my unique perspective and gifts and contributions to our relationship. I have lived a life of balance. Although the efforts of enlightened men and women over the last hundred years have created laws in our country that have given me equal rights and privileges to males, I was fortunate enough to be born at a time when this equality has felt inherent, normal and natural. 

We know God to be everything, all-encompassing, yet our Judeo-Christian culture personifies God as male. I believe that the growth in goddess-focused spirituality is the counterbalancing of the conceptualized masculine God, just like the feminist movement of the 60‘s and the 70‘s was counterbalancing to our society’s imbalance favoring males.

Balance and harmony are natural spiritual laws and principles. This is true for our external world and experience, as well as our internal state of being. The Chinese yin yang symbol is a perfect illustration of balance. The white half contains a seed of the black, the black half contains a seed of the white, and each half fits, complements and moves perfectly with the other to create balance and wholeness.Yin and yang aspects are present in everything in the natural world, although either the yin or yang element may manifest more strongly in different objects, or at different times. Likewise, every soul is comprised of both masculine and feminine energies, as is Source/God.

Probably because I am female, I find it difficult to grasp the historical motivation of men to lessen females, so I asked my husband about his thoughts on this. Trey’s personal perspective is that the drive to exert power over females is created by the tendency of males to solely live from and express their masculine energy, and to ignore and deny their feminine energy, creating an imbalance of energies within many males. 

This makes sense to me. These seemingly polar forces are in reality interconnected and interdependent. The suppression or denial of either energy creates disharmony and imbalance within, and without. Oppression seems a natural consequence of suppressed feminine energy.

I am blessed to spend my life with a man who balances his dominant masculine energy by merging with, rather than splitting from, his gentler feminine energy, and it is a joy to raise a son who understands that true empowerment comes with honoring both energies of Self. 

can we dialogue about our sexuality?

This last week in a nearby community, the body of a 12 year old girl missing since March was discovered in a ditch. Her name is Kayleah. A day or two later, an 18 year old male was arrested for having had sex with Kayleah, a 6th grader. (The male was not arrested for her murder, and I am not making an assumption or judgment that he is the murderer.)

Call me naive, or maybe comfortable with denial, but until this tragedy, it never dawned on me that most abductions and murders of females are about sexual predation. I assumed that “murderers” are motivated by a deviated propensity to commit murder, rather than by an addiction to exploitative sex. It is not difficult to see how the radically aggressive and violent energy of these sexual crimes could lead to and end with murder, whether or not it was the original intent of the predator.

These types of horrific scenarios have occurred for generations, throughout history. In the not too distant past, it was easier for the predator to get away with it. Now with DNA testing and other forensic advancements, it is much more likely that the offender will be caught, but sexually-motivated crimes continue anyway.

I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or sex therapist, yet I feel driven to encourage discussion in our society about sexuality. It is the responsibility of parents to mirror and teach healthy sexual identities, relationships and expression to our children. One of the problems is that we adults have not been taught those things ourselves, making it more more difficult to enlighten our children. However, many of us, including myself, have been active sexually for generally as long as we have been driving. We each have experienced our own journey on the sexual path, and most of us know the difference between healthy, functional sexuality and unhealthy, dysfunctional sexuality. We have experiences, we have understanding and knowledge, and we have wisdom to share. 

The sexual revolution helped bring sexuality out of the darkness and into the light, but further strides are necessary. Addiction to pornography is pervasive, sex trafficking continues, and statistics indicate that in our country 1 in 4 females, and 1 in 6 males, are sexually abused before the age of 18. To me, the interconnection between dysfunctional sexuality with crime, abuse and oppression is mind-boggling and overwhelming. Societally, it is clear that we are still missing the boat.

There is a wide spectrum of sexual abuse. And although women also can be sexually abusive, the stronger male sexual drive translates into the majority of abusers being male. Our fathers and brothers and sons are not born with a defective gene causing them to manipulate sexual power over another. Rather, they, and we females, are born into a world that I believe is grossly immature and unenlightened in its understanding of sexual energy.

We require our youth to educate their minds so that they can eventually go out into the world and be productive members of society. Where and how are our youth and teenagers being educated about their innate sexual drive and expression so that they can go out into the world and create healthy sexual relationships? What are we choosing to create with our reluctance to acknowledge our sexuality much beyond the uncomfortable “birds and the bees” discussion, or beyond our clinical advice of “abstain” or “practice safe sex?” Honestly, our blindness in this area is illogical and startling, and potentially dangerous. 

Change can take lifetimes, but I know the only way to bring about change to the whole/collective is through change within individuals. I am willing. Are you?

sweet summer splendor

watermelon season

my favorite fruit of my favorite time of year

bringing a fond seasonal ritual to the warmer months

meticulously sorting through the crate 

hoping to go home with a prize melon

thumping the massive ovals

listening for the deepest resonance

searching for white bellies

and a rare stem still in tack 

this one is the best, I think

but I will not know for sure

until I have opened the treasure

the promising sounds of crisp and crunch  

as the knife enters, splitting the produce in half

deep red glistening in its own moisture

my taste buds watering in anticipation

Rejoicing! It is perfect!

sweet juice dripping down my hands and arms

leaving sticky spots on the floor

a late night snack 

having to pee in the middle of night

but oh, it is worth it!

sweet summer splendor

feel the power

I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I enjoy reality TV. Although “reality” is arguably a misnomer for these shows, I am intrigued and hooked by the opportunity to observe human choices, emotions and behavior in process. 

I was deeply moved last night witnessing the transformation in Lee DeWyze on American Idol. At the start of the season, Lee seemed to be the most nervous and insecure contestant. Last night, in his eyes, in his body language and demeanor, and in his energy, Lee was present in his authentic power; he embodied his passion and gifts, and he was in the flow of manifesting his dreams into reality. His belief in himself was tangible, as was his gratitude. Lee felt his greatness to the core. To witness and experience such a profound and beautiful energetic shift in another, enriches me. I celebrate him, and I am grateful for the reminder that it is possible for each and every one of us to embrace our inherent gifts, allowing us to evolve into our own unique greatness.

Last night, I had two dreams that related to my future without kids at home. Both dreams were full of anxiety, doubt in myself, and excuses to not start anew based on my age, lack of energy and excitement, and the sheer difficulty of setting out in a new direction.

My intent and focus is to create work/play that enhances me and others. I have begun to visualize what my new path may look like. But I also know that the fuel for creation is our feelings. It is blatantly clear from my dreams that my feelings at this moment are seeded in fear: the limitations of resistance, doubt and excuses. Not only am I without fuel, but I have a broken engine!

Thank you Lee DeWyze for role modeling a journey from insecurity to empowerment. I intend to bring super-fuel power feelings to my new phase of life.

what's next?

This last week or two, there has been a steady stream of college kids returning home for the summer. Northwestern is on the quarter system, which starts and ends a month later than semester-oriented schools, meaning Connor won’t be home for a few more weeks. And Mason is gone for 8 days dancing with a contemporary company that is performing 3 shows in NYC next Saturday. (Yes, he is missing the second to the last week of school and returns for finals; yes, we are crazy; yes, it is taking every ounce of restraint that I possess to keep from flying to NYC to watch him!)

The vibe in our house was different when Connor went off to college. It took some time to get used to, and to adjust to.  With Mason away, I am getting a brief preview of what our family dynamic will be like in a little over a year when he leaves home. 

I have spent the last 18+ years as a stay-at-home mother. Taking care of my family has been my job, a job that I have cherished.  Thank goodness Gracie will still have her high school years ahead of her when Mason graduates. But then the parents will outnumber the kids at home, and a short year and half later she will get her driver’s license and before I know it, the day to day demands of my job will be obsolete.

Soon my life will be very different.  Am I ready? I don’t know. I do know it is going to happen anyway. It feels scary to me. But change has always felt scary to me. 

This phase of life, of creating a family and child-rearing, has been sacred. I am so humbled and blessed by the beautiful souls who chose me and Trey to guide and support them through the ups and downs of life. I have learned more and grown more through my role as mother, than I have in any other role or relationship. And though I will always be a mother, my “mothering” phase of life is coming to a close. It is time for me to begin the transition into a new role and a new phase of life.

Ironically, last night, Trey dreamed that I was very pregnant. In reality, I feel like I am about to birth a new phase of my life. Just not sure what it will be yet. I do have the framework for what I would like to create though:

I hope to create a role, a job, a purpose, for myself that is fulfilling and enriching and sacred. I hope to grow and evolve from this new role. I hope to tap into my creative juices and powers and energy and make a positive difference in this world. I hope to have a blast in my second half of life!

I have much left to give to this world. Spirit, please lead me there.

the unexpected

The last 24 hours have been full of the unexpected. 

Here in Fort Collins, we awoke yesterday to 2-3 inches of snow on the ground. Winter continues its hold on us despite the flowering trees and singing birds. 

On the news, we were shocked to learn that a friend in the Denver dance world has been arrested for the solicitation of sex with a 15 year old. I don’t know his exact age, but I believe he is in his 30‘s. Our friend’s mugshot and name and film clips of him performing and being interviewed were blasted all over the TV. This was unsettling and confusing, to say the least. It made me realize that when I see the mugshots of strangers on the TV, I automatically assume that they are bad people or dangerous people. I judge them without knowing them. In this moment, I am neither defending our friend, or judging him. His arrest simply does not fit with our experience of him. He is fun, playful, energetic and outgoing. He formed a breakin’ crew several years ago with the lofty intent of giving at-risk kids an option to participate in a healthy activity and environment, instead of wasting their lives with crime and drugs.  He even trains these b-boys (i.e., breakdancers) for free! And he is gifted in what he does. His crew made it to the most recent season of MTV’s America’s Best Dance Crew, although they didn’t make it past the first round.

Sexual exploitation is pervasive in our society. Weekly in the newspaper there are reports of teachers, priests, and politicians who have delved into the dark side of sexuality, who have crossed the line of propriety into perversion and exploitation. I know that these arrests are only the tip of the iceberg. I personally know many women whose husbands struggle with the allure of pornography and prostitution. Women dear to my heart have shared the terror of being date raped. My biological father’s sexual addiction wreaked havoc in our lives and my step-brother took his life rather than risk arrest for viewing underage pornography.

Sexual exploitation crosses all socio-economic lines. In my sphere of friends and family as well as globally, it feels like an epidemic. Yet I know that we are sexual beings, and that our sexual beingness is a natural quality of our essence. I strongly believe that our attempts to repress and ignore and deny this essence is part of the cause of our society’s unhealthy and dysfunctional sexuality. Is it possible for us to acknowledge and honor our sexual essence without fear, to openly discuss sexuality with our peers and our children without shame? I believe we can. I believe we should. I believe that we can create a positive shift in our sexual identity and expression, and in our children’s, with open, genuine discussion, as well as with guilt-free, shame-free, fear-free acknowledgement that every human is a sexual being.

collaboration

Collaboration...a beautiful experience that Mason, Trey and I have just been a part of with Mason’s dance studio. I am grateful to our studio owners for their open and caring hearts and for truly listening. I am grateful to the Universe for the constant support given to us. And I am grateful to our friends and mentors who guided us to a healthy resolution for all involved. 

Mason listened to his gut, which clearly told him that he needs more balance in his life. He was willing to make drastic sacrifices and changes in his career path in order to find that balance. Although the process of asking for change within an established structure was stressful and uncertain and scary, it was also a powerful learning experience for my son. 

When we honor our gut, our inner knowing, we are empowered. The outcome almost becomes moot because we are serving ourselves regardless. In this situation, we were blessed to be dealing with people who are empowered and authentic themselves. Collaboration was the end result. And it feels incredible!!

happy mother's day

Happy Mother's Day dear friends! I hope that your enduring nurturing and your selfless care and love were returned in kind today and openly received by you.  May we all grow to love ourselves as deeply as we love others.

My son's words touched me deeply today. He made me cry. Read and see why!   :)

mom

people who sing my praises may not realize

all that I am is a reflection of you

they think I am a special one, but I am truly a product of two

creating me and what I am today has been a journey of 17 years

your support and wisdom have been invaluable

thank you for the endless love, willingness to help, and mindset that is malleable

the moments we have spent together I will forever hold dear

but this isn't about me, it's your day!

mom, I believe you can face any and all of your fears

you have so much to give with your caring heart, creative mind, and listening ears

if life turns you around and kicks you in the rear

you can just come back in a higher gear

do not be afraid, bring these fears near

then you can face them-

you're ready to make them disappear

I know in my heart that you will do more great things,

as you have done countless already

so now it is time to see what life brings,

be true to yourself, use your gifts, and you will find happiness that is steady.

I love you mother

the elusive horizon

My horoscope today eloquently expresses the sentiment of Monday's blog on "'there' is not where you think it is." Thought I'd share it:

"Because we live on a giant sphere, we can never arrive at the horizon. We can see that distant point and travel toward it. But once the landmark is reached, we look out and see that the horizon is further still."

the challenge of trusting

Do I trust Spirit/the Universe...to help me achieve my dreams?...to bring the experiences to me that I need for growth to greater love?...that even the negative and painful experiences serve my highest good and purpose?...to support me and love me?

My immediate response to all of these questions is a resounding “Yes, always and in all ways!”

But, do I really? 

There have been time periods in my adult life when I believe I was in total trust of Spirit. In other times, though, my trust has been more in theory than in reality.

Recently, I have observed myself attempting to control the happenings in my life and in my children’s. My need to control is a clear sign to me that I am not fully trusting the Universe to serve my or my child’s highest good. I believe that I am a co-creator with the Universe with every single experience in my life. Right now, though, the line between creation and control is fuzzy. I admit I am confused.

I also believe every life will involve a combination of positive experiences and negative experiences. Three of the most challenging experiences in my life were the deaths of my two brothers and of my friend Erin. Through each of these experiences, I felt the presence of God profoundly. Many of us are familiar with the story of “Footprints in the Sand.” Well, God/love literally carried me through those times.

Yet, I can also share with you three other struggles in my life when I felt completely abandoned by Spirit, and still do.

My childhood - Although I believe that I played a part in choosing my family, I don’t understand how Spirit could place me in the craziness and fear of my family without, and this is the part that causes me to doubt Spirit, without giving me a single lifeline or relationship that reflected to me that I am love and worthy of love. 

When we are children, we form our identity and view of self from the reflection and feedback of our environment. The picture in my mind that symbolizes the mold of my view of self is a deep hole dug into the dirt and at the bottom is unworthiness, rejection, abandonment, shame, guilt, responsibility, distrust, fear. I have spent my entire lifetime digging my fingers and toes into the slippery and crumbly dirt wall, doing my best to climb out of this pit. 

My book - I had a profound supernatural awakening experience in May of 1996. Spirit directly informed me that I was to write a book about it. I had so many fears, insecurities, and doubts surrounding writing a book that it was almost humorous/absurd I was even asked! I never wanted to write a book, or imagined I would. I did not see myself as a good writer. Because of my childhood, I preferred calming the waters, rather than stirring them up, as the topic of my book would do! And one of my greatest fears in life was public speaking, which I would have to do to promote the book.

But I did as I was asked, mainly because I could not fathom saying “no” to Spirit, especially after the incredible gift of awakening that I was just given. When it was all said and done, it felt like a colossal failure: I had spent years of my life writing this book, and within it, bearing my soul, and then it was not well received; one of my dearest friendships ended through the process of self-publishing and marketing the book; and, Trey and I lost 10’s of thousands of dollars. How could this be? I acquiesced to Spirit’s request. Shouldn’t Spirit have supported me in return?

My depression - Not long after we gave up on the book, I gave up on life. I went into a depression for a little over a year. Around the same time, I was diagnosed with hypothyroid and became menopausal. (The “chicken or the egg” cause and effect is unclear to me.) The most fearful time of my adult life was when I came out of the depression. Would the darkness come and take me away again? All the things that I feared so intensely that caused me to check out, numb out, close down...were still there. In a twisted way, reverting back to the auto-pilot of depression seemed easier than living consciously. And the self-judgment and guilt for choosing, falling into, allowing the depression, knowing all that I knew about our essence and journey on earth, having literally left my body and stood before Christ Consciousness, was unbearable. In this moment of writing about it, the shame and guilt are overwhelming. 

That year was a blur. I lost the frame of reference of time and of memories.The one memory I do have is nightmarish. I was sitting on a chair in my bedroom. Trey was on his knees in front of me. He was looking at me and speaking to me with complete focus and seriousness. I knew that he had been talking to me for some time, but I couldn’t remember what it was about. In that moment though, I heard him. He told me that he loved me with all of his being, and he begged me to come back to him. Behind some far away door of my being, I remembered the deep love we shared. But there was nothing in me to open the door. How could Spirit allow me to get so lost that there was a risk I would not find my way back again? 

I know that feeling abandoned by Spirit/the Universe completely undermines my ability to wholly trust in the Universe. I also know that the Universe is completely trustworthy and that my belief in abandonment is not real...it is false and an illusion. I just don’t know yet how to shine the light of truth on my experiences of abandonment.

"there" is not where you think it is

This last weekend, Mason attended his last regional dance convention of the year. (He still has nationals in NYC this summer.) Convention weekends are always intense. With studio rehearsals on Friday night, and classes beginning usually at 7:30 am Saturday and Sunday, he ends up dancing 20+ hours in one weekend. The competition segment typically ends about midnight on Saturday, not leaving much time for sleep. 

Exacerbating the physical intensity is the constant mental and emotional stress of the weekend. Dancers have to learn at least 5 different choreographer’s dances each day and make sure they are rocking their dance and getting noticed by them even though there are hundreds of dancers trying to get their attention! Add to that the stresses of competition: quick costume changes, not messing up, bringing high energy or the appropriate energy to the dance, projecting emotionally, connecting with the judges and the audience.... There is also an element of overstimulation to the senses and to the body when you listen to loud music for hours upon end. At some point during the weekend there is always an audition (for various convention awards) that takes place in small groups of dancers in front of steely-eyed faculty.  At the closing show late on Sunday afternoon, all the dancers of different ages and levels, and their teachers, and their parents and siblings crowd into one large ballroom and anxiously await the final awards. Relatively few dancers are recognized out of so many who are passionate about dance, creating excitement and celebration for a few and disappointment and sadness for many. 

On Sunday evening, Mason returns home from these weekends fried to a crisp!  (Ironically, I do too. It typically takes me a full day or two to recover.) He has so acutely streamlined all of his focus into dance for two days that he finds it extremely difficult to shift into school mode in one evening.

Even considering all of this, the benefits from attending conventions far out weigh the cons, at least for Mason they have. He has been exposed to countless different choreographers with unique styles and techniques helping him to grow as a dancer, he has made several connections with choreographers, and he loves to perform on stage and gets the experience of deeply touching people with his self-expression.

Five years ago, Mason and Connor first started attending conventions. I experienced many quiet drives home from Denver while the kid’s were doing their best to process their disappointment, their hurt feelings and their insecurity and doubt in themselves. Sometimes we would talk about the elite dancers, those few dancers who won the top awards at every single convention. Of course, those elite dancers had been dancing and training far longer than my kids had, but we also recognized that there were many kids who had been training just as long and still weren’t receiving any recognition. (At that point, my kids weren’t looking for or expecting top awards, they just longed for some positive recognition.)  In our minds, those few elite dancers were THERE, wherever there was. To us, they had attained the “all” and the “everything” in the dance world. 

Last night my almost 17 year old son asked that I put him to bed, which meant that he wanted to chat about and process the weekend. Mason reflected upon this dance year and realized that at every event from October to May this season, he received the top award. He literally could not improve upon the awards and recognition he was given. He could not deny that he had reached the elite dancer status that seemed unreachable five years ago. And at the same time, he acknowledged that it feels completely different than he had imagined it would. It does not feel like he has reached the “there” of his vision a few years ago or some end result, but rather only a rung in the lofty ladder to becoming a successful professional dancer. He acknowledged that the years going forward will be just as grinding and stressful and intense as the last five. With this new awareness that “THERE is not where he thought it was” he stated, “I want to learn how to enjoy the journey and process!” Amen to that Mason!