expectations

On the “you can take the girl out of Texas, but you can’t take Texas out of the girl” front...waking up to 2 inches of snow on the ground...on April 29th!...Toto, we are not in Kansas anymore!

Expectations. My expectation for two days before May is that if there is going to be unusual weather, it would spike the other direction; 100 degree weather wouldn’t be too far fetched.

Our expectation for Gracie’s soccer game last evening, even with half the team having just participated in a track meet, was an easy win...and then they lost 2-0 to the weakest team in their division. The mood on our sideline was somber, disappointed, agitated, frustrated, and shocked.

The weather is what it is. Why do I judge it as beautiful yesterday when it was sunny and warm, and then sucky today because it snowed in late April?

Grace’s soccer team is what it is. Why do I think/feel that when they win, that is their true nature/potential, and when they lose, I feel the sharp sting of less than, lack, deficiency, and failure? I believe in my heart that each girl is out there doing her best every game. Yet, when they lose, I judge many player’s performance as not good enough (and I have the least competitive nature in our family!).

Expectations. Should I adjust my expectations to allow for more variance in outcomes/results? Or should I strive to release expectations altogether? I’m not sure, but it is definitely something to explore.

lightening up

I’ve been looking through old writings of mine for hours now, hoping to find a lighter theme to use for my blog today. Recently, I’ve been in a space of observing some of my core fears and I don’t want to scare any reader away by blogging on heavy topics for too long! 

It has been intriguing reading about and remembering my journey over the last decade. In some areas, I see tremendous growth in myself. And in other areas, I was surprised to read about profound “aha” moments I experienced, and now, many years later, I still haven’t learned the lessons, or incorporated and integrated the wisdom into my life. 

It is strikingly clear to me that I am very serious about, and dedicated to, personal growth. Trey has often shared that one of the things he really admires in me is that once I see a fear in myself, I go straight towards it.

The last few days though, I have received a couple of winks from Spirit to gently remind me to lighten up! These winks came through my hubbie and my friend, Jenny.

As you may recall, Trey went out of town last weekend, and for some (frustrating) reason, I felt rejected by him, like I did years ago when he was traveling. Thought I was done with this one! Trey responded that our lessons and healing in life are not always linear. I think he is right, by golly, but I don’t think I had ever conceptualized that idea before. 

Then, while I was still in the insecure space of feeling rejection again, Mason got word that he did not get cast in a “big deal” hip hop show that he really wanted. My son handled the news better than I did, and I mean much better. I texted Jenny to give her the news, and also let her know that on a positive note, Mason was just elected President of his senior class for next year. Instead of feeding my pain, she responded, “Yay on class president! Booo on show! love you.” 

Her simple, almost child-like playful response immediately brought a smile to my face and made me chuckle, pulling me out of the pit of rejection. With “yay” and “boo” she completely captured the appropriate emotions, without creating any drama around the rejection, or taking it more seriously than necessary (as I was doing and tend to do). And “love you” made me feel cared about and supported. Thank you Jenny for the role modeling!

So the former me would have apologized for my numerous recent blogs that are so deep into heavy, sometimes negative, fearful muck. The new me says, hey, that’s where I am at this moment, but who knows where I will be in the next one!

My hubbie likes to tease that I make life interesting, as he never knows which Jenice he is going to wake up beside each morning! I can’t help him with that one.

a card to mother earth

To Mother Earth,

(I’m 5 days past Earth Day so Happy Belated Earth Day...but...I’m a week and a half early for Mother’s Day!)

Mother Earth – I love you. You waited patiently with open arms until I chose to wrap myself in your loving embrace. I miss the years before I turned to you.

Unconditional love. Unconditional nurturing. Acceptance of who and what I am in each moment. Acceptance of each and every choice I make whether out of love, or not. You are unconditionality and total acceptance. 

Your love runs so deep. It is tangible to me. You are the ultimate mother and the ultimate host, allowing us our free will, and equally receiving both our love for you and our neglect and destruction of you. 

I bathe in your energy; externally you enliven my senses, and internally you cleanse and expand my energy centers. Bringing your energy up through my feet, I run your stream and frequency of light up through my main chakras. At my crown, I meet and meld and mesh your energy with the energy and light of Heaven. I become a bridge of two worlds and dimensions, energizing my own energy field with you both.

 At a time when I needed strength, your trees became my sisters and brothers. I followed their lead and rooted deeply into you. I possessed their strength. I accepted their gifts and blessings: as I released my fear through breath, they received it and gave back life force, like the exchange of carbon dioxide and oxygen. Thank you dear trees for being givers of life, literally. Thank you dear trees for showing me strength and mightiness through rooting into Mother Earth. Thank you dear trees for your sisterhood and brotherhood.

Mother Earth you are profoundly beautiful. You support life of infinite forms and evolution. You are a living energy and entity and life force in your own right. Thank you dear Mother for being the energetic umbilical cord of all life in this dimension. 

I love you,

Jenice

hey, at least I'm blogging

A few nights ago, my son basically asked me why I was wasting my life. He said that I have so many gifts and that he is frustrated to see me so often sitting in front of the TV wasting my time and my gifts.

My 7th grade daughter recently questioned what I do during the day when she is at school. When I answered her with the truth - clean kitchen and house, laundry, grocery shop, cook, take care of the dog, stay on top of family needs and scheduling - she scoffed at the idea of my typical day.

I admit that Grace is right: I am beyond bored with my life. I also admit that Mason is right: I have been shut down for much of my 40’s and now it is difficult to see how to get out of my stagnation. 

I hate when old acquaintances ask me what I have been up to, or when new acquaintances ask what I do. Yet another sign to me that I am not engaged in my life.

It is not that I haven’t done things, because I have. In my 40’s, I earned my black belt, rode the Triple Bypass bike ride two times, I finished my book Diary of an Awakening and promoted it, I participated in Toastmasters and became club President, I went to counseling for the first time in my life (weekly for over 2 years), I organized a remodel of our kitchen and other parts of our house, and I have supported my children in all of their activities, including driving an hour away for dance these last three years. Oh, and I went through menopause. On paper, great little resume, but in reality, misleading.

I observe myself slipping into the idea that this life I have created for myself so far, may be it. (I am immensely grateful for my beautiful life and family, but I have not felt energized and alive for a very long time.) I don’t seem to have the energy level, the dreams, the motivation and drive of a “go getter.”  My friends who are high energy are a reflection to me of what I am not, and what I will never be, so why try? Honestly, it has been much easier for me to support my family in their dreams than to find my own vision. My family has been my chosen distraction.

But hey, I started to blog. Grace, add that to my daily routine list! And Mason, I’ve opened the door again to one of my gifts, at least I think writing may be a gift.

Is writing my gift? I have been too frickin’ afraid to ask myself this question since starting to write (creatively, not lawyerly!) at age 32! For the last 17 years, I have not faced my own internal struggle, a brutal tug of war game between one team “I am a writer” and the opponent “fool, you are not a writer!”

Sometimes, Team “I Am a Writer” wins: the times of writing when I feel incredibly connected to myself, savoring the experience of self-expression and of creation through words. 

Other times, Team “Fool, You are Not a Writer!” wins: the times when I feel writing is actually a grand waste of my time because not only does it take a ton of time, but also who the hell reads it, or cares?! Am I just being self-indulgent to think that what I have to share will make any difference in this world?

So I’ve started my safe little blog, one of the ideas being that I was journaling anyway, so I might as well put my writings out there just in case anyone is interested in reading them. A bonus is that I don’t think that you can really fail at a blog, can you? Unlike, say, throwing away thousands of copies of your book. 

From the sarcasm in my tone today, it’s pretty clear that I have work and healing to do around this writing thing (gift?) of mine. I know that it is not possible to create writing success when I am sending out conflicting messages to the Universe. How do I even define writing success? Am I willing to solely nurture Team “I Am a Writer?” 

Hey, at least I’m blogging!

down the rabbit hole of rejection

Yesterday, I shared my relationship with anger. I gave a brief description of my childhood with a father who was an angry drunk, which provided the logical connections and explanations for how I have related with anger for much of my life.

This morning, in the secure and loving embrace of Trey’s arms, I allowed myself to fall down the rabbit hole of rejection, and I slammed against the bottom, the core, of rejection painfully hard. 

I should share the “traumatic” event that triggered rejection in me: Trey is flying to Dallas today for his high school reunion! Seriously!

One of the greatest gifts of my awakening is the remembering, the understanding, the knowing of our vastness. I am not separate, but rather connected to, and in union with, all. Everything is energy, just of different frequencies and vibrations, but always in relation with each other. And this life is one of many before, and likely many to follow, in my journey to greater love.

I no longer limit the understanding of my baggage, issues, wounds, to this lifetime, to what I have experienced since birth. We are more vast than this life, and what we bring with us is more encompassing.

I now understand that the rejection that I hold, carry, bear within is rooted not only in my personal experiences in this life and my past lives, but also beyond, in the experience of the collective Divine Feminine, as embodied by Mary Magdalene.

Okay. I promised myself when I started this blog that I was going to openly share my spiritual journey with others. Today’s blog is a step in my fulfilling that promise. Rather than risk overwhelm on your part and mine, I am going to close today with a couple of questions, and see where that leads us.

Does the Divine Feminine still carry with it (do we females still carry with us) the emotional pain and suffering of Mary Magdalene from Jesus’ crucifixion? of profound grief? of rejection? If so, are we individually and/or collectively able to heal these energetic wounds?

anger

Anger. An emotion that for much of my life I have tried my hardest to avoid. Only in this last year have I stood face to face with my anger, looked it in the eye, and listened to what it has to share with me. It has not been a fun or pretty experience, and it is far from over, but at least now my anger and I are communicating. 

I formed my conceptualization of anger in childhood. My biological father was a violent and dangerous drunk. The “mind fuck” with growing up in that environment is that there was so much to be angry about - the fear, the chaos, the abuse - yet it was not safe to express my anger. In order to survive, I stuffed my anger, and denied it. On top of that, I saw anger as a monster, it was my dad, and with every ounce of my being I was not going to be my dad.

So fast forward 30 plus years and I have finally reached a place in my life that I feel safe enough and healthy enough to allow my expression of anger. I am surprised by how difficult this is for me, but I am doing it, by using my awareness and by tapping into the compassionate help and support of my husband and alternative care network. 

One of the challenges in allowing myself to be angry is that I expect my expression of anger to feel healthy, but it doesn’t. Instead, I feel toxic.  My anger is often bigger than the situation warrants. I don’t like myself when I am angry and, deep down inside, I doubt that others will still love me if I am angry. I fear being viewed as an angry person. I fear the lack of control that I sometimes experience with anger; I call it the “zone.” I enter the zone suddenly, like someone has snuck up from behind and flipped a switch on my back, and once there, I am unable to access control or rational thought until I have vented enough anger to return to consciousness and awareness again. 

This is not pretty, I know. Yet, I am so excited for the day when my expression of anger feels natural and healthy. I am on the path and know that I will get there. I admit too that it is a relief to be allowing my anger, as it has drained me of energy to suppress it for so many years. 

I’m sure I will use this blog to share more about my journey with anger. In the meantime,  I’d like to share the two questions that I use to guide me on the path to greater well-being and authenticity: Do I feel my emotions in the moment? Do I express my emotions in the moment? 

yummy Oreo treats

I know who I am at the core, in essence. I am a soul temporarily inhabiting this body named Jenice. I am a divine spark, a boundless and infinite energy capable of using the faculties of my spirit, my mind and, yes, even my body, in miraculous and profound ways. Yet, I am baffled by my consistent forgetfulness of this knowing.  Despite numerous experiences over my forty nine years confirming the bountifulness of my being, I still find that I need reminders - daily reminders. My intellect seems to assist little in this regard, and may even be the veil or distraction that clouds my remembering.

This particular morning, my black and white cocker spaniel, Oreo, was my reminder. From the moment we stepped outside for his morning walk, we both were alerted to an annoying (my description, not Oreo’s!) gawking of a bird. The noisy chatter came from a distance, yet the crisp cold air allowed the sound to travel clearly and loudly. Immediately, Oreo began searching roof and tree tops for the source of this clatter, as did I. He pulled on the leash, dragging me past neighbor’s houses and foregoing his typical pleasures (that is, hiking his leg and marking his terrain). Eventually, he came to an abrupt halt at a large old evergreen, which the crow used as its podium.

As Oreo charged at the bird (meaning he charged at the tree!), I literally laughed out loud at the idea that he believed he could actually catch the bird perched at the tip top of this massive tree! And his relentless barking just seemed to compound the noise nuisance, drama and humor of the situation. 

 My thoughts were logical: Oreo can’t fly, so why try? He is absolutely no threat to a stubborn, aggressive black bird safely sitting well beyond his reach. By my assessment, Oreo’s efforts were absurd and ridiculous; wasted energy and focus and hope.

And then...the crow abandoned his perch, apparently annoyed by Oreo’s incessant barking and attention.

Oreo succeeded, in spite of my lack of belief that he could, would, should. My darned “dumb” friend acting on instinct and essence, without the self-imposed limitations of doubt, improbability, logic, waste, disbelief – all manufactured by a “smarter” animal’s mind - succeeded in his efforts. And he had a blast at it too!

Instead of laughing at my dog, I was now quietly chuckling at myself. My authentic and determined dog had just unknowingly gifted me with several reminders of the day:

-to allow and be present with my natural motivation, drive and instinct

-to go with the flow

-to have fun in my actions

-to pursue my dreams

-to not allow my critical, negative, limiting thinking to stop me from trying, pursuing, being

Good boy, Oreo. Thank you for the yummy treats!

not enough time or sleep/constant demands/full schedules

I do not know how to express the turmoil and conflict inside

And yet resolution is as simple as a choice for change, for balance

For 3 years now, balance has not existed in Mason’s life

The competitive dance system is set up that way (at least at his level, with his goals)

Just as it was with practicing law in a large firm

But Mason is still a teenager

Every year, every month and almost every week has been the same grind

Of getting through the intense demands on him

Academics and dance, with social and other interests squeezed into brief windows

His drive is super-human

But his sleep is super-deprived, taking a grave toll on him

Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually

I could detail for you his schedule

But why? To illustrate the absurdity of our choices? 

In a twisted and perverted way, it only feels like complaining and whining

He cares about it all (and yet it feels like punishment)

Convincing himself that he can and must do it all

And when he falls short of super-human, of meeting demands beyond reason

He perceives that he has failed, that somehow he’s done wrong and not been good enough

And he beats himself up for being too exhausted to focus and stay awake for homework

I am his mother, I value balance

And yet, for 3 years I have supported him in creating not enough time or sleep/constant demands/full schedules 

And in effect encouraged him to believe that his unbalanced lifestyle is normal and okay

I even increase his load by adding/allowing more dance events to “further his career”

Most decisions made sense at the time 

Now, though, from his lips come the dreaded words “burn out” and “unsure of path”

Now, I search for strategies for Mason to make it through the next 2 months of school

(when and how did school become second to dance?)

While Mason searches for strategies to make it through each day

We love our studio, we love our studio owners/dance teachers 

Mason is a gifted and passionate dancer with a real chance at success professionally

But these positives do not justify the toll taken on him

“Life is a blur” Mason often states

No time to process the accomplishments, the learning, the experiences

Always the next big dance event or school project to get through

Falling asleep in the car, on the couch, on the chiropractor’s table

20, 30, 40 hours...week in, week out of intense physical activity 

The mental and emotional stress of being “on” at dance and on top of school adding to his sheer physical exhaustion

7 hours sleep the best he can hope for, not even near enough to refuel, reenergize, rest, function (or mature and grow!)...and he rarely gets in 7

Missing his first class or two because he literally can’t get out of bed

So many pills and tonics to support his immune system and depleted adrenals

Health care professionals strongly recommending he cut back on dance

We are quick to respond, “It is not possible”

Is this true?

Recognition that we have sustained the craziness to the end of its cycle

Acknowledgement of his profound growth from this intensity

And that now, less would be more beneficial and healthy

Intent to create greater balance with dance, school, life next year

Trust that the Universe will open the doors and present the opportunities and relationships that best serve him academically and creatively 

animal messengers

Yesterday while driving, a hawk or falcon (not sure how to distinguish them) soared down from one lamppost, flew directly in front of my car for a moment as if it was leading me somewhere, and then rose back up to a different lamppost. To see such a powerful creature so close moved me to tears. It was beautiful.

For many years now, birds have been my main animal totem. Now and then, another animal will show up in the mix to deliver a message, but birds are the most consistent messenger for me. The hawk and falcon have been the most predominant, but the woodpecker, owl and hummingbird have also served as totems for different situations in my life.

I find it a blast to listen to God speaking to me through animals. And it is so easy with the internet to simply Google “hawk animal totem” and peruse different sites to discover what essence of that animal I connect to. I also will take note of what I am thinking about at the time the animal reveals itself, as its message may relate to that, or something else that has been on my mind for awhile.  

For many years nows, I have been open to God talking to me through people, through situations (in particular “coincidences”), through nature and through animals. One of the first times I acknowledged and accepted that an animal was communicating with me also involved a hawk/falcon. Mason and I were driving down a road and in deep discussion about his path in life, and my support of his path. We were both questioning whether this path was the best choice at the time. Then a hawk/falcon appeared out of nowhere, lowered itself directly in front of our windshield and flew in front of us for a significant time. We were in awe, to say the least. And it was hard for us to ignore what had just happened! As Mason said, it was too perfect of timing, too unusual and incredible of an occurrence at the exact moment we were looking for answers. 

Friends have shared some remarkable stories of encounters with animals and the insight they gained. Simply by being open to the possibility and paying attention, we allow and access another channel for receiving God’s awesome wisdom.

a collage of thoughts

I find it fascinating that our physical bodies often mimic the happenings of the earth. In recent months, the earth has been dramatically shifting, readjusting, and realigning. My body has been doing the same. Through much of this period of the earth’s quaking, I have felt my own instability. I have experienced increased physical and mental restlessness and my mind often has been so scattered that it has been difficult to meditate and pray. I feel as if the foundations of old patterns that no longer serve me are cracking and dissolving. Although I am thrilled to be forging my way into healthier and more functional ways of being, the loss of old foundations has felt unsettling and uncertain. I know that I am not alone during this time of change. I am grateful to Lauren for sharing her similar experiences.

---------------------------

To Melissa’s mom and to David P. - I send love, light and healing to all of their bodies (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, energetic); I send love, healing and peace to their loved ones; I send peace to all of the bodies of Mel’s mom during her transition from this realm to the light/heavenly realm.

---------------------------

Mercury is in retrograde on this Sunday the 18th through Tuesday, May 11th. We are in the shadow phase now. Reminder to self: be patient with miscommunications with others, especially loved ones, and with issues with my computer, internet, travel, appointments....

alternative: an enlightening alternative for me

I absolutely adore my alternative therapies support network. My massage therapist also works with energy, so I get Reiki along with my massage. My acupuncturist and my network chiropractors (alternative chiropractic care) are also highly intuitive and psychic, so I receive assistance and insight not only on a physical level, but also on emotional, spiritual and energetic levels. When someone in my family starts to get sick, we opt for chinese herbs from our acupuncturist over a visit to the doctor. Even my Western-trained doctor is alternative medicine focused, so it is easy for me to obtain natural bio-identical hormones and natural thyroid medicine (i.e., not synthetic), as well as additional and often healthier options to deal with health concerns than what conventional doctors even know is available. (Don’t take me wrong though, when I need a traditional doctor, I am quick to make an appointment and I am grateful for their expertise and care.)

When I reflect upon this network of loving, compassionate healers, I am so completely consumed with gratitude and I am also amazed at how easily I created this. I remember when I first became aware that there were alternatives to traditional medicine. The alternative options were like a foreign land and language and I was completely clueless and overwhelmed by them. The number and variety of healing modalities and healing arts were completely beyond my ability to grasp, so I didn’t jump in at first. Then menopause hit and I was not satisfied with my doctor’s options of synthetic hormones or anti-depressants, so I found a medical practice that was also well versed in the alternative medicine and wellness fields.

In Costa Rica, I had a massage by a woman who also used energy work and toning in her session. When I returned home, I was determined to find a massage therapist who brought more than massage to the massage table, and the Universe connected us shortly after. Through her, I found my acupuncturist. And now, I have this amazing network of wellness providers whom I have close personal relationships with, whom I trust wholeheartedly, whom always leave me with golden nuggets of insight and with so much more than the service I pay for, and whom are my resource for other healers in the community. 

It is interesting that today I still do not come close to knowing all of the different types of alternative healing therapies that are available. But today, instead of feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed by the abundance of options, I trust that the right healer and the right modality will show up for me when needed. Typically, I will hear a name of a particular practitioner two or three times in a short period of time, which is always a sign for me to check them out. 

We are incredibly blessed in our culture and society to have both traditional medicine and alternative medicine so readily available to us. Both are gifts. I have been enlightened, supported and enriched beyond description by my choice to bring alternative medicine and healing into my life.

an opportunity

I do NOT have cancer! Thank you God!

I do have several large-sized fibroids in my uterine wall. I am feeling a mix of emotions at the moment, mostly relief, but also a little confusion and concern. I am going to allow myself some time to process.

I acknowledge that this may sound odd, but when my first brother died, I remember often wishing that he had just "almost died" so that I and others could have received the learning and gifts available when confronted with a deep loss, but without having to experience the loss. In reality, we probably wouldn't have learned the lessons without the pain of his death.

In my present situation, I desire to use this opportunity of a significantly gentler nudge than cancer to make healthy, positive changes in my thoughts/thinking and in how I value myself. I am grateful for this opportunity.

body thoughts - "Make Love, Not War"

I have been blessed with, and have maintained, generally good health in my 49 years. I assume that my experience is similar to others with good health, in that most of the time, I take my health for granted, except when I have been sick, and then for the first day or two of feeling well, my awareness of feeling well (normal) again is heightened and I am so grateful. For a day or two, OMG Jenice! 

I am going to play a little game. In this game, I am to honestly answer the prompt, “Describe your body.”

Generally, I would say that my body is fit and attractive, especially for my age. But I think my breasts are too small (more of a focus when I was younger), and that I have wider hips and a bigger butt than are proportional to my body frame. Almost daily, I am frustrated by the 10 pounds that I have gained in the last 7 years since menopause, as evidenced by the tummy roll that I now possess (there is actually a name for this post-menopausal change - the “estrogen belly”). I have never had pretty legs (my daughters do, thank goodness!) and have rarely worn shorts or skirts above the knee. No chance for shorts ever as my legs now have unsightly spider veins and red blood moles. My skin is thin and dry and is already beginning to look like crepe paper on my legs, arms and hands. I have always had baggy eyes, but now my face also has wrinkles and the beginnings of jowls. Logically, I know that it is natural to age, but I am illogically fearful about my lack of control over my aging...I want it to be slow and gradual, yet sometimes when I look in the mirror, it seems like I aged overnight, and my chest and abdomen (my heart and solar plexus chakras) fill with panic and fear. 

Again, I assume that I am like most females raised in the American culture. Most of the time, I look at my body...and more importantly feel about my body...critically, negatively, unappreciatively. This was true when my body was young, and is just as true today, if not more so.

Well, there is an “elephant in the room,” that is, in my mind, that I have been excellent at ignoring most of my life, and that elephant is negative and toxic thinking about my body. I know without doubt that “where thought goes, energy flows.” Am I ready to infuse my body with love, rather than toxicity? Am I ready to create vibrancy in my body rather than potentially illness and disease?

When my child is sick or injured, and when I pass an ambulance transporting an ill or injured person, I send love, light, peace and healing to their bodies. When do I send love to my body? Well, if my critical thoughts are the elephant on the scale, my grateful thoughts are a...bird...in comparison! Yet, there are times when I have loved and do love my body wholly, sweetly and gratefully; times of profound presence with, and experience of, my body: 

• each pregnancy and birth of our 3 children.
• when I trained for my black belt and the Triple Bypass bike ride (120 miles in one day over 3 mountain passes), pushing my body to limits it had never reached before and ones that I was unsure it/I could attain, and then my body succeeded. 
• when I find myself completely in the moment of making love with my husband, my mind void of anything and everything other than the love, the pleasure, and the union we are experiencing. In these tender holy moments, I feel more love for my body and more at home in my body than at any other time. 
• witnessing friends and family with breast cancer, and, for a time anyway, appreciating my breasts just as they are. 

It’s clear. Not only does it create greater health and vitality, but it also just feels better to “Make Love, Not War” with my body thoughts. I am a journey in process.

naked

Not sure why, but I felt the pull to share this particular writing today. Maybe because I am more focused on my body as I await test results from my doctor. Or maybe because the warmth and longer daylight of spring are gently stirring my body from its winter slumber. Whatever the reason, here it is. 

Naked

Born into this world anointed and adorned only with the blood and fluid of our mother’s womb

Each and every appendage, part and crevice of our infant body loved, celebrated, rejoiced

For a time, maybe a few years, running bare and naked through the house or outside in the summer rain is beyond social mores and limitations and even privilege, just simply natural and nature

In a moment, natural is withheld from us and infused with judgment

A naked body is inappropriate, and even dirty

How can this be?

The sky is still the sky, the grass is still green – their essence remains the same

Yet seemingly out of nowhere, dark thoughts bombard and shroud our bodies 

Pure essence becomes tainted with fear

We learn through reflection to hide our bodies, to feel shame in their imperfections, their sensitivity and sensuality

We learn to shut down and barricade and fear our own “private” parts, to cut and enhance and reshape our bodies, to medicate and drug and even hate them

Laws are in place against public nudity 

It feels absurd to consider otherwise

Yet a tree is still a tree and a dog will still mate with another

I will always cherish a day on a beach in Costa Rica

Anointed and adorned only with the sun’s heat, the ocean’s tide and the grit of sand

I have never felt such heightened aliveness and FREEDOM

A brief sanctuary from my own harsh and scathing judgment of the body I inherited

Replaced with a kaleidoscope of physical sensations never before experienced

And profound gratitude for God’s divine gift

His/Her masterful, perfect and exquisite creation

Of our vessels of experience

bad can be good

Picking up from yesterday’s blog, I have found myself continuing to process my feelings about Sam decisions and with that my beliefs and perspective on right vs. wrong, on good vs. bad, and on making mistakes. I acknowledge that sometimes I hold my loved ones to high standards, that I am disappointed in them when they falter from my hopes and ideals, and that worry and fear are typically my natural responses when they falter. 

Yet at the same time, I recognize that my standards and ideals are not only random, but are actually an illusion and a delusion on my part. I am not standing in the other person’s shoes. I am not living their life and I am not on their journey. Theoretically, I know that no one is perfect. Theoretically, I believe in the gift of making mistakes, of stumbling and struggling, as through all of our decisions, whether “right” or “wrong,” and through all of our challenges, we discover who we are and how we choose to be in this world. 

I am conflicted. My love for another is what spurns my hopes of ease, success and function for them. But when my hopes transmute into rigid expectations and the bar from which I judge another’s decisions as right or wrong, then it is valuable for me to see that this kind of love is limited and tainted, is qualified and conditional, and is still fear-based.

At an even deeper level, I see that my judgment of another is a reflection back on me of my deeply-rooted judgment of self. I am harder on myself than I am on anyone else. I am harder on myself than anyone else is on me. I tend to give myself a brutal internal whipping when I make mistakes. I hold myself to unrealistic standards, with the misconception that I should know better and be better. I can’t even count the number of  times my guidance has asked me to be gentle with myself.

I have been told by Spirit that there actually is no right or wrong, no good or bad. Our delineation and labeling of good and bad, though convenient, and arguably a necessity in our experience of this three dimensional world, has become warped. We are served when we grasp the true essence of our choices. A good choice is simply a choice toward greater love and a bad choice is a step away from love. Yet our bad choices are actually good, in that they give us the opportunity to understand that we can create whatever we want to create. Bad choices can bring the awareness that we may need to make a choice toward love the next time. Bad choices are one of our learning tools for personal growth.

I think that through allowing myself to make more mistakes, I may actually learn to authentically value myself. And I am guessing that with this freedom, I may grow even more beautiful and bright.

fight or flight no more

I awoke this morning with the lingering emotional residue of 2 dreams last night. Both involved a person I deeply care about. Let’s call this person Sam. In the first dream, Sam acted very selfishly, which affected a group of us negatively. In the second dream, Sam confessed to a seriously bad decision and situation, but first Sam “buttered me up” with affection and hugs and also got us out in public so that I couldn’t respond genuinely, i.e., Sam attempted to manipulate me. 

When I journaled my dreams, I realized that in real life I possess a lot of fear around Sam. Sam has incredible beauty and light within, but has struggled over the last few years, teetering on both ends of the spectrum in good vs. bad decision-making. 

I recognized that my response to Sam’s bad decisions is either to blow up in anger or shut down emotionally in fear.  Neither response is how I want to be. What I would like to create is the ability to be present with Sam’s mistakes, which to me means to listen without judgment or fear, to be clear in my mind rather than cloudy, and to be able to offer words of wisdom from a place of peace as well as detachment from outcome.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had an appointment with my PT. She is absolutely thrilled that I am bleeding again after 3 1/2 years! She congratulated me on choosing to come back to life again.

While she was doing energy work on my abdominal area, I tuned within, sending gratitude, light and healing to my reproductive organs and to all of my body. Then out of nowhere, the 2 dreams about Sam entered my mind, so I shared them. (Logically, my dreams seemed unrelated to my bleeding and the energy work she was doing, but I trust what shows up, even when my mind tells me its random, unrelated or even crazy. I have learned through experience that there are no coincidences.)

She made a connection for me: my two responses to Sam’s mistakes (blow up or close down) are examples of how my sympathetic nervous system responds to fear - either through FIGHT or FLIGHT. (I responded the same way initially with my heavy bleeding.)

She talked me through a body looping exercise, guiding me to a tool to self-regulate my nervous system. I believe that with this exercise and my awareness, when in the face of fear, instead of unconsciously fighting or fleeing, I will be able to consciously create the presence, clarity of mind and peace that I desire to create.

Looping (between place in body holding fear and neutral place in body)

Sit comfortably in chair with feet grounded on floor and feeling sit bones in chair

Close eyes and take two deep breaths

Locate where in my body I feel the fear, anger, panic 

Stay in the fear location and go deeper/investigate/bring heightened awareness with these inquiries:

where is the lower boundary of the fear?

stronger on the right side or left side?

is it deep or surface?

is it moving or is it still?

Next focus attention on a neutral body part, either my feet or sit bones, and ask similar questions:

feel all the parts of my feet: my toes, my outside edges, my inside edges, my arches. 

what part of my feet are most connected to the floor? 

is the connection surface or sinking into the floor?

Return to the fear location, asking the original questions. Notice any changes from my first attention there. (The fear/panic was significantly lessened.)

Return to feet awareness another time.

The idea is not about relaxing and breathing away the fear/panic but to allow/permit my body to feel it without fighting it/resisting it (what we resist persists!) or fleeing from it so that my body can learn to be present in fear and process it.

When I went back to my fear location the second time, I let my PT know that my mind chatter kicked in. Although the fear and panic were diminished, my mind chimed in with fearful thoughts. 

She advised me that when this occurs, to allow the critical thoughts, but at the same time to bring attention back to my neutral location and then to visualize my thoughts as distinct from my body, basically severing the connection between my fearful thinking and my body. I was able to then observe my fearful thoughts with curiosity instead permitting my thoughts to amp my nervous system with more fear.

Very cool!!