self-destruction

my name is Jenice

I’m an addict 

of

unconscious self-critical thinking

looked in the mirror this morning

heart sank and stomach turned

at the sight of all my wrinkles

got dressed with the usual glance 

at my belly and daily thought

“I hate my fat stomach”

throughout the day

passing thoughts of

“shoulda and coulda done better”

fleeting thoughts not dwelled upon

yet in that moment

my body and energy and outlook

contract, harden, densify

today, for some reason,

awareness

the unconscious became conscious

with each negative thought

a vivid corresponding vision

I see me

shooting poisonous darts

into the organs and systems of my own body

self-destructing

like an addict unable to resist the next

drink, smoke, fix

the toxicity accumulating over time

and yet, I am also able to acknowledge

at times, I love my body!

often times, I love myself!

I would love to love my body and my Self

all of the time

just the way I am in the present moment

God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Amen.

clearing skies

Slipped into an emotional funk this last week. Not sure why. Like a depression storm blew in suddenly Thursday and hovered through the weekend, causing scattered crying and gloomy outlook. 

Vivid, difficult dreams. Visiting the space where I lack the ability to control the surfacing and manifestation of my fears. When I awake, I want to forget them, to get on with my day, but I am coated in the emotional residue of chaos, rejection, suffering. Through journaling my dreams, I discover the light of sanity and insight within them, allowing me to shed the darkness.

I am drawn to Conversations with God book 1 by Neale Donald Walsch. On page 115, God’s words speak directly to my dreams, to my fears, to me in this very moment:

So now, as parents, spouses, and loved ones, seek not to make of your love a glue that binds, but rather a magnet that first attracts, then turns around and repels, lest those who are attracted begin to believe they must stick to you to survive. Nothing could be further from the truth. Nothing could be more damaging to another.

Let your love propel your beloveds into the world--and into the full experience of who they are. In this will you have truly loved.

It is a great challenge, this path of the householder. There are many distractions, many worldly concerns. The ascetic is bothered by none of these. He is brought his bread and water, and given his humble mat on which to lie, and he can devote his every hour to prayer, meditation, and contemplation of the divine. How easy to see the divine under such circumstances! How simple a task! Ah, but give one a spouse, and children! See the divine in a baby who needs changing at 3 A.M. See the divine in a bill that needs paying by the first of the month. Recognize the hand of God in the illness that takes a spouse, the job that’s lost, the child’s fever, the parent’s pain. Now we are talking saintliness.

I understand your fatigue. I know you are tired of the struggle. Yet I tell you this: When you follow Me, the struggle disappears. Live in your God space and the events become blessings, one and all.

Deep, internal processing. Skies beginning to clear....

today's God wink

As I was driving down the road today, I was thinking about our 50 year old friend in the hospital for dialysis, our 8th grade friend recently diagnosed with diabetes, and our 9th grade friend who is falling under the catch-all diagnosis of fibromyalgia because the doctors can’t determine a more specific ailment. 

Knowing my tendency to slip too far into sadness and helplessness with such difficult news, I sincerely asked Spirit, “What can I do? How can I help?” 

For some reason, my attention turned to the oncoming traffic and I noticed that all of the cars coming toward me in my line of vision, close and distant, were white. I am not sure the exact number of cars, but it was well over ten.  

Quick flashes of mental inquiry...funeral procession? No. White car parade? No!

Suddenly, the realization, send white light to my friends. “Really God? You’re speaking to me through white vehicles?” The next car to turn onto the road was white, as was the next one, and the next one, and the next one. 

I giggled on the inside and out for the rest of my drive.

disappointment

Disappointment. 

Every morning since Christmas a year ago, my 13 year old daughter wakes up to a life-size Fathead (vinyl wall graphic) of LeBron James, that is, all 6 ft. 8 in. of him!

The only gift Gracie asked for this Christmas was tickets to the Heat v. Nuggets game scheduled for yesterday. One of her best friends, Jamie, has an uncle who could get Grace and Jamie into the locker room after the game. Grace’s dream to see LeBron play in person and then meet him was about to come true!

This last Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, Gracie and Jamie created one set of clothes to wear to school the day of the big event, and then another outfit to wear to the game. They painted their favorite player’s name and number down the leg of black sweat pants to wear to school; on Grace’s, obviously, James #6, and, on Jamie’s, D Wade #3.

They tie dyed shirts in the colors of the Miami Heat: red and orange on white t-shirts. When the shirts had dried, they used fabric paint to add the player’s name and number to the front. These cool shirts they would wear to the game.

And then LeBron twisted his ankle in a game the night before the Nuggets game. He would not be playing for the first time all season. Gracie held out hope that maybe at least he would be sitting on the bench since we had purchased an expensive ticket behind the Heat’s bench...but LeBron never stepped foot on the court or entered the arena. 

Knowing there are no coincidences, Grace’s sister and brother curiously questioned “why?” 

Grace cried herself to sleep last night. I know that in the big picture this is not a huge deal, yet how do I respond to a 13 year old’s dream denied?

ready or not

I am finding the process, or act, of letting go of my two older children more difficult than I anticipated. Actually, until recently, I believed that I had in fact released them to a significant extent.

Can you release someone to an extent or degree? Or does releasing your grown children necessarily encompass all or nothing? 

I don’t know.

I have never been a hovering mother or one to “police” my child’s whereabouts or behavior, probably because I believe that making mistakes is one of the most powerful teaching tools for most people. 

Yet now, observing my own thoughts, I hear myself thinking, “Sure, I can release him/her if he/she only....learns from his/her mistakes NOW.”

Would it be an easier task if their life was totally “together?” Whose life at 17 or 19 is totally together, and for that matter, at any age?!

Last night, I dreamed about a bed, and not just any bed, but the first bed that Trey and I bought together as newlyweds and first time homeowners. A year ago when we sold our mountain condo, the bed sold with it. In my dream, I could not accept that the bed was not ours anymore, and I felt a sense of panic and desperation. There was history, and memories, and stories attached to the bed. We had lived life in this bed...creating our new life together, conceiving new lives, mourning the loss of life....

In my dream I came to realize that selling the bed didn’t sever the connection we have with it. It was still ours even though it wasn’t in our care or possession anymore. 

What can I learn from this dream? Connor and Mason are transitioning into independence and autonomy. Soon they will not be in our care or responsibility anymore. 

Maybe I am unclear or confused about what releasing them signifies? Releasing them can never erase the experience of birthing them, raising them, loving them, and it can never sever the heart connection between us.

This transition time is a cruel one in some ways. How can we expect a parent who has loved, and cared for, and worried over, their child so intensely, so deeply, so unselfishly for so many years to suddenly, it seems, release their child to his or her own life in the world? And yet, ready or not, we must. 

love is the word, is the world

Sometimes I have to laugh at myself when I observe a pattern or tendency or belief I continue to hold that completely conflicts with knowing.

To know that God/Spirit is real and interactive in a direct tangible way and yet I haven’t wholly trusted that God/Spirit is always with me and guiding, supporting, helping, and, even, loving me. My critical voice convinces that I’m not worthy of such loving presence. My needs to take control and to personally have the solutions to not only my problems, but other’s as well, reflect back to me that I believe that God/Spirit abandons me at times. I slip into the illusionary fog of abandonment and rejection and unworthiness, blind to the loving guiding light always present, and always available when I simply ask.

When I am in the blessed space of glimpsing truth, the experience is beyond description. It is like I am completely filled with awe and gratitude and yet so much more...beyond my identity and boundaries and separateness the awe and gratitude overwhelm and overflow into the boundless collective reality. 

For me, the experience of truth is a merging into Oneness.

Love   is the answer

Love   is the truth

Love   is reality, what is real, what remains when illusions and veils disappear

How glorious! How magnificent! How awesome God/Creator/Creation is this truth, so simple and so grand at once. 

Relief

rapture, 

peace, 

breath, 

stillness, 

awe, 

pure gratitude.

surrender, presence and trust

I’m in one of those situations that is clearly beyond me - I do not have the answers and I can’t fix it. I have surrendered the situation to God, Spirit, the Universe and I have asked for guidance. Guidance I have received in real time in the form of synchronicities,  intuitive hits, and pertinent conversations. I am profoundly grateful.

The “what if’s” of the future only bring me fear, so when I find my mind wandering away from the present, I simply return to Now. For Now, I am truly grateful.

I am learning to trust that God, Spirit, the Universe will never ever give up on us no matter how many times we say no or close our hearts or make mistakes or deny our light. I am learning to trust the process, the journey, and that it is never too late, and never will be...to open our hearts and heal.