young at heart

This last weekend I went “home” to Texas to celebrate my mother’s 70th birthday. It was a beautiful honoring of my mom by family and her dear friends. I am so grateful for her health and continued presence here in the Earth realm. I love her so very much.

My mother turning 70 means that age 50 is right around the corner for me...just 5 months away. Hmm. 

When I am in my parent’s home, I am the young one in mind and body. It is like an automatic and unconscious shift where I step back in time to the perspective and identity of being their young adult daughter. I roll around on the floor with their shitzu Rosie, crawl under their dining room table to retrieve dog toys and hop onto a step ladder to vacuum the refrigerator air vent. My parents are perfectly capable of doing these things, and do, but I’m there and the “kid” in the house. 

I think it is only now as my body is aging that I am experiencing the timelessness of my spirit. Only now do I have a point of contrast. When I was younger, my spirit felt in unison with my youth, full of vitality and life. Because my body and spirit possessed similar natures, I didn’t distinguish them as distinct from each other. I don’t think I ever conceptualized or pondered an experience different than equivalence. 

Now, however, I experience a confusion of sorts. When I look in the mirror, the face looking back at me is that of a middle aged woman. My body has changed dramatically from my youth: it is less energetic, less limber and more achy, and my skin is, well, much older.  And yet, on the inside, I feel just as young and free and expansive as ever.

When I am wrapped in my husband’s arms, I feel just like a newlywed in my 20’s. When I dream, I am always a much younger version of my self. And when I am at my parent’s home, I revert to the mental and physical space of their kid.

I hope never to allow the inevitable further aging of my body to trick me, to coax me, into the belief that my spirit is old as well. I see how this could easily occur because the physical experience is so overpowering. But it doesn’t have to be. I am beginning to appreciate the sentiment “young at heart” as a natural and limitless state of being. Through my spirit, I have the capacity to experience a vibrant, youthful and fulfilling life for as long as my body lasts.

meditation with Christ Consciousness

It’s 1am in the morning. Trey and the two kids (who still live at home) are long asleep. Although during the day I have the luxury of being free to choose how to spend my time when the kids are in school and Trey is at work in the basement, there is something about the late night and early morning hours...a deepening serenity and peace in the solitude of being awake when everyone else in the house is soundly asleep. Plus the phone is silent and no one is walking down the street for the dog to bark at. It is the perfect time for me to pray and meditate. Tonight, I am seeking divine comfort.

Recently, my soul work has led me to look at my belief in my victimization, that is, the illusion of being victimized, in this life mostly as a child, but also in past lives. With my willingness to shake up my fears from the inside out in order to shine light on them, I find myself in a fragile, emotional and unbalanced place. On top of this, I’ve been having disturbing dreams of being attacked and of being helpless to protect myself. These dreams have tapped into my fears so intensely that I can’t seem to shake their darkness, even after journaling them and trying to mentally process them.

As I immerse deeper into my prayers and meditation, I turn to Christ Consciousness (CC). As always, I am awed to be in his energy and presence. I share with him my struggles and my desire to feel his presence and guidance and comfort more directly and powerfully during this tumultuous time of healing.

CC responds, “I am always here.”

I want more. I know he’s always present, but I want to feel his love and comfort now, in this moment, strongly, tangibly, so that all my pain is washed away. I ask for an embrace or to fly with him or to hold his hand, for a repeat of any of these experiences that I have shared with him in the past. He agrees and then stands before me and says, “Let’s fly.” 

I wait for CC to lead me, but he doesn’t. Instead, he says that I should lead us on our flight. But I share that I don’t know how. He indicates for me to take his hands as coequals, peers, counterparts, as One. 

CC tells me that I am different now because I know that my experience of Divinity/God is not outside of me, is not external and out there some where. He said that my prior experiences of him as an energy/entity distinct and separate from my Self were what I needed to awaken to my true connection with Source/God, and now I know that my connection with God is within and that I am one with God. 

He told me that now I should seek the experience of Christ Consciousness that is me. 

woodpecker wisdom

Recently I have been questioning the relevance of my blogging. Mine is a sharing of the journey within, while living as lovingly without (that is, out in the world) as I can, in any given moment.

There was a time in my life when I would have opined, and did, about the current events, the current non-events manipulated into events, and the non-existent events crafted out of thin air into events...but our society is abundant in minds much sharper, craftier and more opinionated than mine. 

Now, it is much more natural and interesting to me to observe my external experience as a reflection of my internal reality. Maybe others are interested by my sharing of this journey, maybe not. I am only who I am and where I am and that is the best of what I have to offer.

Here is my offering today:

In the last 24 hours, I spotted 3 Northern Flicker woodpeckers. One actually flew right in front of my car. I acknowledge that these rare sightings in such a brief period of time are an opportunity for me to listen to and to learn what the woodpecker totem has to teach me. From 3 different internet sites I learned:

Those with this totem often find that their path in life won’t always conform to society's standards and that their personal unique rhythm needs to be honored.  Woodpeckers teach us to honor our personal truth and move through life with perseverance and inner strength. By staying grounded in our pursuits our goals can be obtained.

The woodpecker is known as the Earth’s drummer.  Drumming is the heartbeat of Mother Earth and is associated with shamanism and the ability to move into other dimensions at will. For those with this totem the woodpecker represents self discovery. As they peck into and through trees and dead wood, hidden layers of one’s psyche are revealed.

When a Woodpecker totem enters your life,
it indicates that the foundation is there and it is safe to follow through.
It will stimulate new rhythms.
It reflects a wakening of new mental faculties.

Woodpecker reminds us to look within with balance and attention. Woodpecker's call is like the drum beat of the heart, awakening the spirit into action. The key is to live more fully in the moment. His gift is the opportunity to see that we are longing to return to our natural rhythm – in harmony with our path. Woodpecker seeks his own way of being; thus, he teaches us that it is okay to discover truth in our own way.

Thank you woodpecker for the confirmation to continue discovering, embracing and sharing my unique voice and perspectives. 

wearing my own clothes

My class just finished and I’m hungry. Walking through the hallway, I peer through an open door and see a group of students working on a clothing project. I know one of the students and ask him if I can take his project with me to lunch. It is a shirt that he has decorated by gluing on cords and trinkets. He’s fine with my taking it, as long as I have it back in time to turn in. I drape the shirt over my arm and head to the university cafeteria, but before I get there, the decorations begin to peel off the shirt. 

Oh no. I scurry back to my friend’s classroom, but no one is there. I am desperate to fix my friend’s project, but the supplies are put away and I can’t find them no matter how hard I search. I acknowledge that my friend was slack in the way he secured the ornaments to his shirt in the first place, but I still feel responsible and guilty because I had it in my possession, and I feel powerless to resolve the problem because it wasn’t my class and I don’t have access to the supplies. 

I awoke from this dream agitated, frustrated, and confused. And then, when the mental fogginess of the night’s sleep cleared from my head, I understood the message of my dream.

I had gone to sleep the night before, like I had so often the last few weeks, struggling with and fretting over Mason’s decision to quit dance competition. It seems that all of my mind’s attempts to find peace with his decision by reminding myself that it was the right decision for him were not working.

In my dream, I took on something that was not mine. It was not my class or project or learning. I had absolutely no connection or tie to it. I didn’t even have a use or need for it. Yet I voluntarily took it and wore it as if it were mine. 

How CRAZY is it that I would ask to take the project, life lesson, learning of someone else when it had absolutely nothing, nada, zero to do with me?!  Totally irrational. Just like I have done with Mason’s journey with dance. I have created an illusion that it is mine too.

My possession of the shirt, the illusion of my connection to the shirt and that it had something to do with me, caused me to feel responsible for solving the problems when it didn’t look the way it did when I took it on. No attempt on my part would make a difference because I did not have the resources, tools, or vision to fix it...it was not my shirt, my project or my class. No wonder I was consumed with the negative emotions of stress, worry, panic and powerlessness. Likewise, I am suffering Mason’s decision because I have no control or power to resolve it in the way I want it to be, or think it should be, resolved. 

Now I see that I am wearing Mason’s dance journey, although it is not mine, and never was. His decision about dance is solely his because it is about his life, his learning, his journey, and it is not mine to address. Now, it is only mine to UNDRESS.

Side note - I thought that it would be interesting to include the interpretations from my two dream symbol books on the following three elements in my dream:

Hunger - physical, emotional, and mental deficiencies; wanting and being in need of food in any form, usually emotional food.

School - learning; indication that your unconscious is processing lessons from your waking life.

Clothes - refers directly to your self-esteem; how you currently feel about yourself.

"to watch us dance is to hear our hearts speak"

Trey and I attended a Movement Mass in Boulder last Sunday. For an hour, we danced in free form with 75-100 adults, of all ages. My heart has been longing for this freedom of expression, this depth of presence with a community, this celebration of life. The experience was blessed.

I have included the following dance quotes in hope that they will inspire you to unleash the dance of your heart and soul.

"Dance is the hidden language of the soul."-Martha Graham

"Dance isn't a form it's a way of life." ~anonymous

"To dance is to be out of yourself. Larger, more beautiful, more powerful. This is power, it is glory on earth and it is yours for the taking." -Agnes De Mille

"We dance for laughter, we dance for tears, we dance for madness, we dance for fears, we dance for hopes, we dance for screams, we are the dancers, we create the dreams." ~anonymous

"Dancing with the feet is one thing, but dancing with the heart is another." ~anonymous

"The Dancer believes that his art has something to say which cannot be expressed in words or in any other way than by dancing... there are times when the simple dignity of movement can fulfill the function of a volume of words. There are movements which impinge upon the nerves with a strength that is incomparable, for movement has power to stir the senses and emotions, unique in itself. This is the dancer's justification for being, and his reason for searching further for deeper aspects of his art." -Doris Humphrey, 1937

"You can dance anywhere, even if only in your heart." ~anonymous

"You know you're dancing when tears of pain and happiness blend in with your sweat." ~anonymous

"Dance is your pulse, your heartbeat, your breathing. It's the rhythm of your life. It's the expression in time and movement, in happiness, joy, sadness and envy." -Jaques D'ambroise

"Everything in the universe has rhythm. Everything dances."-Maya Angelou

"I see dance being used as communication between body and soul, to express what is too deep to find for words."-Ruth St. Denis

"Dancers are the athletes of God." -Albert Einstein

"Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain." ~anonymous

"Dance is a song of the body. Either of joy or pain."-Martha Graham 

"To watch us dance is to hear our hearts speak."-Indian Proverb

Amen. Namaste. Shalom. Peace. Salaam. And So It Is.