open to receive love

Yesterday, I drove to Denver in the middle of the day to attend a “gazing” session with a man from Croatia named Braco (pronounced ‘Braht-zo’). Braco is a channel of pure love and shares his gift by gazing upon the crowds that visit him. I had never heard of Braco until two days ago when one of my chiropractor’s told me about her powerful experience earlier that day at one of his gazing sessions. 

My brief experience with Braco reminded me of my time with another highly-evolved healer. Over Christmas 2008 when visiting family in Texas, my husband and children and I attended a “hugging” session with Amma, a woman from India known as the Hugging Saint.

For me, both events were sweet and touching, but I did not experience miraculous healing of my body, mind or spirit at either. And yet, there are others who did (for which I am grateful).

As I sit here with a frozen compress on the strained adductor/groin muscles in both my legs (yes, I am relegated to slowly and awkwardly waddling about like an elderly person!), I find that I am second-guessing myself...is there something wrong with me that I could not receive the healing grace of pure love?

I have no doubt that Braco and Amma are the real deal; two master teachers, among others on this earth plane, that have tapped into their authentic essence of love. They are role models of what we all are capable of - love journeying to pure, unconditional love. At the gathering with each of them, I was gifted with this remembering, by simply being in their awesome presence.

I also remembered that healing and growth originate from within. The miraculous is not externally given, but internally driven. It is about where I am...my intent and focus and connection...my co-creation with the Divine. 

As I reflect upon three of my direct interactions with Christ Consciousness, I realize that each experience varied greatly, depending upon my state of being. 

One was filled with awe at the glimpse of our inherent beauty and potential. And yet, I felt frustration in the recognition of my own self-imposed limitations.

A second brought me insight in to that which is real and ever-lasting as contrasted to that which is not-real and temporary. With this insight came tremendous compassion and peace.

Another brought me the experience of Oneness to All and to Everything. For three glorious days afterwards, I walked this planet in love with every person, feeling their intrinsic beauty. 

I have read stories of other’s encounters with Jesus, angels and other light beings. Reactions fall within the full range of human emotions, from fear to extraordinary transformation. 

Love does not automatically permeate us. 

We can be closed off to it, cynical of it, or fearful of and overwhelmed by its intensity and power. 

Or, if we choose, we can be open to receive love and all of its gifts.  

love to Japan

Sometimes I am at loss at how to be in this world, how to be engaged in my own life and still open to, aware, participatory in the happenings of the world beyond mine. 

It has been over two weeks since the Japan earthquake and tsunami. Although I have felt and sent many prayers of healing, light, love and peace to the Japanese and their land, this morning was the first time I have grieved their tragedy. In the interim, there has been spring break and soccer and Connor returning to college and my playing in my first soccer game and Blah Blah Blah.

Life.

I have been wrapped up in and distracted by my own life. 

This morning there were no alarms, no game to get to, no event to make. I awoke to no agenda or to-do list. And then the tears started flowing, and flowing. 

Trey asked a question or two in an attempt to determine the cause and then he settled into -

hugging me

being with me

allowing me to be me

loving me.

Forty-five minutes later, exhausted from the emotional and energetic release, yet feeling clearer and open and present, the words out of my mouth, without thought, were, “Sometime soon, can we make love for the Japanese people and their land?” 

My heart longs to envelop Japan and its people in the highest and most healing energy of all: LOVE.

back again

Finally, my computer is well again after two trips to the Apple store these last few weeks. I’m baaack!

Just spent a week in Las Vegas. Thank goodness I’m back!

The fuzzy caterpillar-like catkins have exploded from our aspen trees and the occasional solo robin can be spotted digging in the grass, signs that spring is springing forth in Fort Collins, Colorado. My favorite time of year. Spring, welcome back!

fear amnesia

 Just spent four days with Trey in the Florida Keys celebrating my 50th birthday. It was awesome to have carefree relaxed time with my hubby at a beautiful and warm ocean spot. We easily slipped back into that space, so accessible before kids but rarer now, of spaciousness and lightness with each other - no time restraints, responsibilities, work or kid demands to dilute or distract our just being present with each other. Like new lovers again, I felt refreshed and rejuvenated with the giggles and the flirting and the gratitude and the romance that naturally surfaced.

At one point, I was surprised by my strong emotional response to Trey’s comment that I would be 50 the next day. I immediately shifted from smiles to uncontrollable tears. I knew my sadness wasn’t about age, but to this point I had ignored what I was really afraid of.

I always wanted to be a mom, and a good one. My two older children are basically starting their independent lives and I am facing what to do with myself in my “second half” of life. Not only am I not ready for my mothering role to be nearing its end, I also have no frickin’ idea what my next role is or looks like. I have never possessed the awareness of what my next purpose is after being a mom. It scares me to the core that I may never be or do anything else of value and that I might settle and waste away the rest of my life. This fear was/is eating away at me.

I was in the strangle-hold of fear and its accompanying confusion and desperation. With the help of Trey’s supportive and calm voice of reason, I was able to explore my pain, rather than stuff it again, and to eventually put words to my fear so that I could rationally understand it. What I discovered is that I was suffering from “fear amnesia!” When in fear, I forget what I have experienced and know to be true. In fear, I lose my knowing and my faith.

I know that God/Spirit is always with me. I know that all I have to do is ask God/Spirit to guide me to my next purpose and it will flow to me in the perfect time. Why would I ever believe that God/Spirit would abandon me for the second half of my life?! Fear amnesia. Now, when I feel my chest tightening, the knot of panic in my gut, and the wave of confusion in my brain, I turn to the mantra, “God is with me. I am not alone.” Faith is the light that dissipates the fogginess and the darkness that fear brings to the soul.