Christmas Eve 2011
Three weeks ago, Trey flew to Chicago unannounced to bring Connor home. Her college roommate’s parents recently contacted us to let us know that Connor was in danger with her drug use. Shock, fear, haze...I’m sinking to a place I’ve never imagined. We wanted to let Connor finish her finals for the quarter, but circumstances required us to take immediate action. We knew Connor used drugs, but we had no idea how deep she had sunk into them. Connor had always had control over her drug use. Now, the drugs have control over her.
When Trey arrived at Connor’s apartment, she was completely surprised and was completely enraged and desperate. She ran away with her boyfriend, who is also an addict, cursing Trey and rejecting our family.
This Christmas Eve is somber for our family, immediate and extended. Obviously, Connor is not here with us. My parent's are struggling with their first grandchild’s plummet into darkness. I'm numb.
Christmas Eve 2012
It has been a nightmarish and shadowy year not knowing if Connor will survive her addiction. A couple of months ago, she opened the lines of communication with us to let us know that she wanted to end her relationship with her boyfriend. She left him earlier this month, and 3 days ago (the 21st), he hung himself. Connor is with us in Texas. I am in shock seeing her skeleton body and the ravages of her drug use. Emotionally she is chaotic and unable to function. We are witnessing withdrawals. Please God, I pray that she survives and thrives again. Please God.
Dad is clearly in decline. The turning point was a mini stroke in May from which he never fully recovered. He no longer is allowed to drive. Taking away Dad’s freedom has been incredibly hard on him. He’s angry and he rebels against assistance, or really, the “need” for assistance. Hospital emergency room visits have become common this year.
Mom had a breakdown tonight. She is so angry at Dad’s failing health and that their lives and plans together are fading away. Everything has flipped upside down for her. Travel and evenings out with friends have been replaced with her care-taking of my dad. It’s not his fault and she knows this deep inside somewhere, but she is so fearful of losing him.
Christmas Eve 2013
The highlight this Christmas Eve was Dad’s 10 minutes or so of mental presence as our family opened gifts around the Christmas tree. I gave Mom and Dad a large canvas print of a picture of them taken years ago. Dad clutched the canvas with the biggest smile on his face and blew kisses to Mom. The moment was magical, and yet, deeply sorrowful for me. I know that this is likely to be Dad’s last Christmas and my heart aches to simply have a conversation with him and to connect with him.
This year has brought beauty though. My mom has become the most gentle, patient and loving caregiver, and this transition in her is a profound blessing to witness. And, Connor is on the path of healing. She describes her life as “two steps forward, and one step back,” but I am beyond grateful for the forward progress. I wish that her work hadn’t kept her from being here with us this Christmas, but my heart is with her.
Christmas Eve 2014
We are in Colorado this Christmas Eve for the first time since moving here 18 years ago. Dad transitioned in May making it especially difficult not being with our extended families in Texas. In 12 days though, Gracie starts college at Santa Clara, and a week later Trey and I are moving to Cali, so staying home made sense. Trey smoked ribs today and brought Texas and Dad to us.
I didn’t buy presents this year for the first time ever, and yet, gifts were abundant. Trey’s and my prayers have been answered. At some point over this last year, we realized that we were able to breath again...Connor is wonderfully, beautifully, profoundly thriving! I am in awe of her strength and healing. Thank you, thank you, thank you God. Connor and her boyfriend were able to get off work for Christmas Eve and they drove in from the mountains about 3am this morning. To be together as a family, whole and healthy and 5 strong, for the first Christmas in years, is the most amazing gift imaginable.
On Sunday evenings when the kids were young, we had a ritual that we called “prayer candle” where we would light candles and turn off the lights and we would each share what we were grateful for. Tonight, instead of exchanging presents, we turned off the lights, sat in the glow of candles and Christmas tree lights and we shared in our first Christmas Eve prayer candle. Tears flowed as we shared stories of Dad and celebrated his life and our lives as well.
Gratitude, love, grieving and healing...the Spirit of Christmas fills our hearts.
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