I have a great deck of tarot cards, “Osho Zen,” that I have been using for several months now. They are positive, beautiful, and inspiring. Love them!
Sometimes I just pull one card as a message for the day, and other times I will do a reading layout when I have a question or issue that I am focused on. I am consistently amazed at how on point the messages of these cards are to my internal struggles and conflicts.
Two cards that are recurring to me are “schizophrenia” and “aloneness.” It is literally humorous how often these two cards show up out of a deck of 79 cards, whether I am pulling one card, or 10 for the reading layout. Obviously, I still have work to do in my self-discovery on these two fronts.
Schizophrenia. (Dang!)
“Should I go here or there? Should I say yes or no? And whatever decision we make, we will always wonder if we should have decided the other way.”
“You are a marketplace - many voices. If you want to say ‘yes’, immediately the ‘no’ is there. You cannot even utter a simple word ‘yes’ with totality.... In this way happiness is not possible; unhappiness is a natural consequence of a split personality.”
“The whole effort of Zen is how to drop this schizophrenia, how to drop this split personality, how to drop the divided mind of man, how to become undivided, integrated, centered, crystallized.”
I am in transition in my life, from full time mothering, to still mothering my youngest child yet also stepping more fully into my own life. I am struggling. I have spent the last 20 years of my life fully engaged in my children’s lives. I absolutely love parenting and must admit that I am not ready for this phase of my life to end. But the end is rapidly approaching nonetheless.
I not only find myself resisting this transition, but I am also finding it difficult to uncover my dreams and passions. Activities that formerly invigorated me, no longer have the same energy or appeal. My mind tells me to just go get a job, or to volunteer more, but the “no” always seems to creep in. I think the “no” is my heart telling me to be patient and allow time to discover my heart’s desire. My mind is at battle with itself and my heart. This truly is schizophrenia!
Aloneness. (Dang again!)
“When you are alone you are not alone, you are simply lonely - and there is a tremendous difference between loneliness and aloneness. When you are lonely, you are thinking of the other, you are missing the other. Loneliness is a negative state.”
“Loneliness is the absence of the other. Aloneness is the presence of oneself. Aloneness is very positive. It is a presence, overflowing presence. You are so full of presence that you can fill the whole universe with your presence and there is no need for anybody.”
Now is the time to step into my aloneness, my presence. I miss my two older children tremendously. But their absence has helped me to recognize that I have used my children to distract me from my life, my aloneness. What am I afraid of? Theoretically, I know that I have gifts to bring to this world and hopefully many years remaining to bring them. Am I afraid that I won’t tap into them? Yes. Am I afraid of change? Yes. Am I afraid of not being productive, worthwhile, needed? Yes.
I am allowing my mind and my loneliness to sabotage me. Thank you Spirit for speaking to me through the cards and supporting me on my journey to presence.
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