I’ve been on an exhausting emotional roller coaster ride these last several days. Last night I “checked out” by playing phone games and watching movies until 3am, all in a desperate attempt not to feel what I’m feeling. Thank God I journal as I can easily see the ground I’m covering and the tangible help that I am receiving from Spirit! So grateful!
I lived this last weekend in “fight or flight” with the start of Gracie’s collegiate soccer career. In her first two games, she had both successes and disappointments as would be expected, yet I could not stop myself from slipping into “flee” mode...racing pulse, shallow breathing, trembling, agitation, foggy head...pretty much withdrawal and lock down of my physical and emotional bodies. Nothing earth shattering or life threatening here, just old patterns I started during my childhood with my biological father Jerry. For me, fight or flight is triggered when I feel like I have no control over a situation or environment. As a child, I couldn’t fight my father, so I fled...withdrawing and contracting my energy and essence deep inside myself where I felt safe and protected. Now it’s an adrenal overload muscle memory response.
So this morning I pulled out my journal hoping to process and release my internal and external mayhem from the weekend. I saw my entries from last Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and remembered the profound dreams and meditations that I experienced. I am in disbelief, and awe. Awe that I am so blessed with a deep connection to Spirit, and my Higher Self, guiding me and supporting me in my personal growth. Disbelief that something as innocuous as my daughter’s soccer games can send me spiraling down into an abyss so dark that my core knowing and memory are lost and seemingly inaccessible.
Fear truly is darkness, blindness, and our creation of hell.
Fear overshadowed the prior 3 days of truth and healing:
Wednesday was abundant in truth revealing. I awoke to a “bad” dream about Gracie and soccer and how I have no control over her journey...how she plays, how much she plays, her body’s health/injuries, and whether she accomplishes her goals and dreams. I feel like I’m going to explode in my dream.
For most of my adult life I have recorded dreams when they feel emotionally significant or when they feel as real as my awake reality or when Spirit communicates to me within them. This dream left me with negative emotional residue so I recorded it and then decided to meditate to find some peace. As I began my meditation, I asked for Spirit’s help on how to release my worries. A powerful visual organically flowed through. I call it the Worry Bowl Visual.
In my mind’s eye, I see myself sitting cross-legged with a very large bowl (a Tibetan singing bowl) resting in my lap with my hands gently holding it in place. A worry surfaces and I feel its intensity and then forcefully VOMIT it into the bowl, which happens many more times, until finally my body has completely purged all my worries. I then raise the bowl (filled with worry and fear) and rest it against my heart chakra/center. My heart and Higher Self infuse the bowl with light and love. I then ask my dad (my stepfather, not Jerry), my guides and angels, and Christ Consciousness to also send light and love into the bowl. I immediately feel lighter, peaceful, good, joyful.
I felt so good the rest of the day, and grateful. I don’t usually meditate twice in one day, but I had listened to an online Deepak Chopra talk on meditation that afternoon, so I decided to meditate again before going to bed. Again, a vivid visual came through. Wolf.
In my mind’s eye, I am in a forest standing face to face with a lone wolf. The wolf is not aggressive or scary, but instead simply stares directly and intensely into my eyes. We connect energetically and I feel his essence. He reveals himself as my animal totem and then I feel and see him physically sit on my heart chakra. I am wolf.
Wolf is bringing me the exact messages and ways of being that will serve me the best at this stage of life, some of which include: wolf is totally loyal to the pack (his family), but does not lose his identity to the pack; he is wild and free and unafraid; he has the ability to learn new ideas and then teach them to others; being alone is necessary to understand yourself and hear the voice within....
Thursday morning I again awoke to a compelling dream, which I recorded. I’m leaving on an extended trip and have 3 large suitcases that are packed full. When I go to pick them up, each suitcase disintegrates leaving my stuff in a pile on the floor. Do I leave my stuff behind, or do I stay with my stuff?
Love this one! I have the opportunity to leave my baggage behind...past actions or events hidden deeply in my mind; past emotions or issues that are holding me back; habits, memories or attitudes that no longer serve me or are no longer suitable to carry with me!
And, finally, Friday morning, I dreamed a dream that clearly answered the question from Thursday’s dream...I chose to leave my past baggage behind! Although I’m not comfortable sharing the details of this dream, I can tell you that I was back in my childhood living with Jerry and for the first time in my life I used my voice and I used my body to fight for myself. I changed the past. I am no longer Jerry’s victim. I am free.
Wow. I’ve already done the difficult work. Now, addressing my fight or flight response doesn’t feel so overwhelming. Since I’m aware of the trigger, before Gracie’s games I will take 5-10 minutes to meditate, or do breathing exercises or body work, or vomit my worries into the Worry Bowl...whatever I feel drawn to in the moment that brings me to presence and peace and reality. I’ve got this.
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