Christmas abbr.

Instead of the abbreviation xmas for Christmas, I’d like to suggest a more suitable abbreviation, tmas, because at least the cross is another symbol of Christ. Although a simple and subtle change from the use of an “x” to a “t”, the energy shift is significant and it also serves as a reminder of “the reason for the season.” 

To all of you who experience Jesus as your teacher, your connection to Source, a reflection of your higher self, and/or your beloved, I wish you a blessed and very merry tmas season embraced in his love.

surrendering to the sunset

One of the gifts of living on the front range of Colorado is the prevalence of magnificent sunsets. As the sun retired behind the mountains today, the sky lit on fire with a meld of red, orange and pink.

I stepped outside to immerse myself in the fleeting moments of this majesty. Deep breaths. Gratitude. Presence. Timelessness juxtaposed with the visual witnessing of the passage of time through each moment’s change in color.

And then it was gone. 

glimpses of life

This morning, a fox almost caught a squirrel that hoards our bird seed. Oreo would miss the daily chase and the squirrel launching off our deck.

Tailor-made Thanksgiving - turkey, togetherness and tears (of love).

Backlash from my kiddos because I write about them...but they’re a big part of my life...sorry kiddos.

Connor home for Christmas tomorrow!

Mason finishing up college applications - 2 halves left. Impressed with the dedication when he’s not even sure if he will go to college next year, or just dance.

Gracie has had a headache that won’t go away. Today it is thankfully gone. Trying to support her with healthy ways to manage the stress in her life. She has basketball game tomorrow to determine district champs for 8th grade girls.

Bankruptcy limbo...ready to file, but a possibility of settlement. Having a difficult time with the idea of spending money on presents.

Party bus last weekend with our monthly Dive Bar crew - it was a blast. Thanks Barry and Melissa!

As always, darkness at 445pm is difficult for me this time of year, but the Christmas lights are beautiful.

Life is good.

giving thanks this Thanksgiving

The song of my heart exults in gratitude for...

~ Trey, my beloved, and especially for the light in your eyes when you look at me.

~ abundance. Thank you God for abundance being the natural state, so that when I catch myself entertaining the idea of scarcity, I can return to knowing.

~ bankruptcy (to my own amazement!). It’s like going to the dentist, but on a bigger scale. I dread going to the dentist, yet I am grateful that there are dentists. Likewise, I am dreading the process of bankruptcy, yet I am grateful for the opportunity of a clean financial slate. 

~ Movement Mass and NIA. It has taken me almost 50 years to unleash creative, expressive, freestyle movement, and I am experiencing myself in a completely new way.

~ our children. Thank you, thank you, thank you for choosing me as your mother. I am blessed and truly humbled by your presence in my life. (Connor just came home from NU tonight!! Mason is completing a couple of college applications. And Gracie has a basketball tournament this weekend.)

~ my earthly support network. Network Chiropractic (Peter and Amy), acupuncture (Stacey), body/emotional processing work (Janet), massage (Michelle and Brandy), energy work and spiritual counseling (Denise). My mind, body and spirit continue to heal with your compassionate assistance.

~ my parent’s and mother-in-law. They are all still present on this planet and in decent health. I do not take this for granted.

~ my Spirit support network and Mother Earth. My heart is full with love for you and from you.

~ my dear friends and my extended family. You all enrich my life.

~ my healthy body. Yes! I cherish all of the experiences this masterful creation allows me.

~ Oreo. Although I can lose my patience with your barking, I appreciate you for getting me outside for our walks, for staying in bed for as long as I am in it, and for the tender daily moments of bringing me back to presence.

~ hope, love, kindness, beauty, creativity, possibilities...God and His/Her creation.

Thanks I give, I receive, I am.

Thanks-giving, thanks-receiving, thanks-being. 

power struggles

I have continued to focus on the idea of living more authentically and in my power. Of course, I am most fully me with family and close friends and in environments I deem “safe” to express myself. But I am observing in myself the tendency to hide behind a protective shield with other people and in normal day to day environments. Here are a few recent situations in my and my family’s lives that are helping me to realign how I live out in the world and define myself.

~At a recent Movement Mass, I completely went into myself and moved/danced more creatively, more openly, more from my heart and authentically than I have ever moved before. It was profound to experience movement without self-consciousness or limitation or boundaries. I was open and alive and in the moment and it felt as if I merged with the music. And then in the closing circle, women blatantly avoided standing next to me or holding my hand. I was devastated. I had believed that this was a safe environment and had let down my guard, and then I experienced rejection.

Over the next few days, I went through several stages before finding my power again: uncontrollable crying to release the hurt, questioning what I had done wrong and could do differently the next time, deciding to enter the Mass the next time friendlier and with the goal of connecting with others, and then anger at the idea that I had to win over others and seek their acceptance when we are all there to connect more deeply with ourselves and to experience ourselves more fully. Ultimately, I realized (remembered) that other people’s issues (and I can only guess what their issues were - jealousy, feeling threatened, thinking that I think that I am better than them?...who the hell knows!!) are their issues, not mine, and I don’t have to take them on or allow them to impact me. 

Through this experience, I also saw my own issues more clearly. Only shedding my protective shield in situations that I feel are safe shows me that I possess insecurity. Authentic power is pure no matter the environment, people or situation. I also struggle with the issue of rejection.  If I had been solidly in my power, I could have observed other’s issues without any correlation to me. Instead, their issues triggered mine! Funny how life works.

~This last weekend in LA, Mason had a similar experience to my Movement Mass one. His foundation was rattled when he learned that there are a couple of young choreographers in LA that don’t like him, spreading rumors that he is arrogant and a jerk, yet they don’t even know him. Although we have learned from friends already in LA that there is a lot of drama and pettiness in the dance scene, Mason was shaken by the idea that his name and reputation are being tarnished and he doesn’t even live there yet! Mason is a sensitive soul, and believe me, the farthest thing from arrogant. My advice to him is just to continue working hard and to be himself and there will be people mature enough to see him for who and what he is. If some people judge him without knowing him, that is their issue, not his.  (Of course, I am teaching what I need to learn!)

~We are filing bankruptcy soon. Not too long ago, I would have struggled with sharing this situation with others because of the negative stigmas of shame and embarrassment. Yet, I know that my husband and I are good, honest people who have been tripped up by a poor economy. The bank who loaned Trey the money for his investment business has categorized him as a bad guy. And I am guessing that there will be a lot more of that within the bankruptcy proceedings. This is a wonderful opportunity, though not a fun one, for us to practice staying centered, grounded and solid in the knowing of who we are at the core.

No doubt, the journey to authentic power to be continued....

authentic power

What would my life be like if I chose to be in my power in every moment? 

I think that for the most part I live day to day in my power, and then I have an experience where I am more fully in my authentic power and see the distinction. This last weekend was one of those times. I helped assist at a transformational workshop called Business & You. I was a participant in this workshop 8 years ago. Both experiences, as a participant and an assistant, helped me to look deeper within and to discover my self more completely.

Within this workshop, a safe environment is created supporting the participants to tap into their hearts and their emotions and allow for the possibility of positive shifts and change, profound aha’s and self-discovery, and dramatic transformation. I observed myself easily letting down my guard and stepping into presence and my power. It was a beautiful and natural experience for me to energetically hold the space for other’s metamorphosis and renewal. I was able to sense the energy of others, and at times see their energy fields, and my being was highly energized in the process.

Have you ever been in the presence of someone who is in their power? When I have, I have found them appealing and wanted to be around them more to soak up the powerful yummy vibe they are emanating. At this workshop, I apparently stepped into my power because I observed that I was magnetic to both males and females. 

With a few of the men assisting at the workshop, they misinterpreted or mistranslated their attraction to my energy into a physical/flirtatious/sexual attraction. This scared me and it took conscious willpower for me to remain open and present, and not to put up my wall again. 

Power can be seductive, as is overtly evident in our society with political power, financial power, and the power of fame. When we are in our power, our task and journey is to stay in integrity. For some, integrity means not using their power in an abusive way or taking advantage of another. But for others, like me, integrity means learning how to be comfortable in our power and not frightened by it.  

I’d like to close with the following inspiring quote by Marianne Williamson from her book A Return to Love:   

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

soul selection

While eating breakfast this morning and watching a TV talk show, I overheard a conversation about natural versus artificial selection in reproduction. The female being interviewed had birthed a child through in vitro fertilization and had chosen the gender of her child, as well as a donor of the same race as she. When asked if she had “selected” any other specific traits from the sperm donor such as intelligence, religious affiliation, interests...she responded “no” because in her opinion then she would be stepping into God’s domain - His power, role, plan.

Truly, I hold no judgment about her choices or opinion. What I was struck by was how my spiritual beliefs might change the discussion on natural versus artificial selection. Just to let you know, with our second pregnancy, we used a technique to significantly increase the probability of having a male, which we did. I also acknowledge that there is the potential for dangerous results when artificial selection, such as cloning, is taken too far.

Although our bodies create new physical life in the form of another human being, with our genetics being passed on to the baby, I believe that there is much more to the creation of life than simply reproduction. I believe that it is the soul that is the authentic being and energy that inhabits the body and gives it life. And no matter the degree of our selective efforts to control the physical body, and its personality tendencies, I do not believe we are capable of stepping into God’s domain of choosing the soul for the body.

I believe that our souls have been in existence since the beginning of time and will continue to journey in and out of vastly different human experiences in order for us to embrace our true essence and power, and to evolve to greater love, ultimately pure love. A soul will be aligned with the body, the people, the life struggles and lessons and experiences...all of the things that are appropriate, necessary and relevant for it to evolve. With this belief comes the peace of knowing that every life situation a child is born into is perfect for that soul’s evolution, as Spirit, and possibly the soul itself, has chosen it.

young at heart

This last weekend I went “home” to Texas to celebrate my mother’s 70th birthday. It was a beautiful honoring of my mom by family and her dear friends. I am so grateful for her health and continued presence here in the Earth realm. I love her so very much.

My mother turning 70 means that age 50 is right around the corner for me...just 5 months away. Hmm. 

When I am in my parent’s home, I am the young one in mind and body. It is like an automatic and unconscious shift where I step back in time to the perspective and identity of being their young adult daughter. I roll around on the floor with their shitzu Rosie, crawl under their dining room table to retrieve dog toys and hop onto a step ladder to vacuum the refrigerator air vent. My parents are perfectly capable of doing these things, and do, but I’m there and the “kid” in the house. 

I think it is only now as my body is aging that I am experiencing the timelessness of my spirit. Only now do I have a point of contrast. When I was younger, my spirit felt in unison with my youth, full of vitality and life. Because my body and spirit possessed similar natures, I didn’t distinguish them as distinct from each other. I don’t think I ever conceptualized or pondered an experience different than equivalence. 

Now, however, I experience a confusion of sorts. When I look in the mirror, the face looking back at me is that of a middle aged woman. My body has changed dramatically from my youth: it is less energetic, less limber and more achy, and my skin is, well, much older.  And yet, on the inside, I feel just as young and free and expansive as ever.

When I am wrapped in my husband’s arms, I feel just like a newlywed in my 20’s. When I dream, I am always a much younger version of my self. And when I am at my parent’s home, I revert to the mental and physical space of their kid.

I hope never to allow the inevitable further aging of my body to trick me, to coax me, into the belief that my spirit is old as well. I see how this could easily occur because the physical experience is so overpowering. But it doesn’t have to be. I am beginning to appreciate the sentiment “young at heart” as a natural and limitless state of being. Through my spirit, I have the capacity to experience a vibrant, youthful and fulfilling life for as long as my body lasts.

meditation with Christ Consciousness

It’s 1am in the morning. Trey and the two kids (who still live at home) are long asleep. Although during the day I have the luxury of being free to choose how to spend my time when the kids are in school and Trey is at work in the basement, there is something about the late night and early morning hours...a deepening serenity and peace in the solitude of being awake when everyone else in the house is soundly asleep. Plus the phone is silent and no one is walking down the street for the dog to bark at. It is the perfect time for me to pray and meditate. Tonight, I am seeking divine comfort.

Recently, my soul work has led me to look at my belief in my victimization, that is, the illusion of being victimized, in this life mostly as a child, but also in past lives. With my willingness to shake up my fears from the inside out in order to shine light on them, I find myself in a fragile, emotional and unbalanced place. On top of this, I’ve been having disturbing dreams of being attacked and of being helpless to protect myself. These dreams have tapped into my fears so intensely that I can’t seem to shake their darkness, even after journaling them and trying to mentally process them.

As I immerse deeper into my prayers and meditation, I turn to Christ Consciousness (CC). As always, I am awed to be in his energy and presence. I share with him my struggles and my desire to feel his presence and guidance and comfort more directly and powerfully during this tumultuous time of healing.

CC responds, “I am always here.”

I want more. I know he’s always present, but I want to feel his love and comfort now, in this moment, strongly, tangibly, so that all my pain is washed away. I ask for an embrace or to fly with him or to hold his hand, for a repeat of any of these experiences that I have shared with him in the past. He agrees and then stands before me and says, “Let’s fly.” 

I wait for CC to lead me, but he doesn’t. Instead, he says that I should lead us on our flight. But I share that I don’t know how. He indicates for me to take his hands as coequals, peers, counterparts, as One. 

CC tells me that I am different now because I know that my experience of Divinity/God is not outside of me, is not external and out there some where. He said that my prior experiences of him as an energy/entity distinct and separate from my Self were what I needed to awaken to my true connection with Source/God, and now I know that my connection with God is within and that I am one with God. 

He told me that now I should seek the experience of Christ Consciousness that is me. 

woodpecker wisdom

Recently I have been questioning the relevance of my blogging. Mine is a sharing of the journey within, while living as lovingly without (that is, out in the world) as I can, in any given moment.

There was a time in my life when I would have opined, and did, about the current events, the current non-events manipulated into events, and the non-existent events crafted out of thin air into events...but our society is abundant in minds much sharper, craftier and more opinionated than mine. 

Now, it is much more natural and interesting to me to observe my external experience as a reflection of my internal reality. Maybe others are interested by my sharing of this journey, maybe not. I am only who I am and where I am and that is the best of what I have to offer.

Here is my offering today:

In the last 24 hours, I spotted 3 Northern Flicker woodpeckers. One actually flew right in front of my car. I acknowledge that these rare sightings in such a brief period of time are an opportunity for me to listen to and to learn what the woodpecker totem has to teach me. From 3 different internet sites I learned:

Those with this totem often find that their path in life won’t always conform to society's standards and that their personal unique rhythm needs to be honored.  Woodpeckers teach us to honor our personal truth and move through life with perseverance and inner strength. By staying grounded in our pursuits our goals can be obtained.

The woodpecker is known as the Earth’s drummer.  Drumming is the heartbeat of Mother Earth and is associated with shamanism and the ability to move into other dimensions at will. For those with this totem the woodpecker represents self discovery. As they peck into and through trees and dead wood, hidden layers of one’s psyche are revealed.

When a Woodpecker totem enters your life,
it indicates that the foundation is there and it is safe to follow through.
It will stimulate new rhythms.
It reflects a wakening of new mental faculties.

Woodpecker reminds us to look within with balance and attention. Woodpecker's call is like the drum beat of the heart, awakening the spirit into action. The key is to live more fully in the moment. His gift is the opportunity to see that we are longing to return to our natural rhythm – in harmony with our path. Woodpecker seeks his own way of being; thus, he teaches us that it is okay to discover truth in our own way.

Thank you woodpecker for the confirmation to continue discovering, embracing and sharing my unique voice and perspectives. 

wearing my own clothes

My class just finished and I’m hungry. Walking through the hallway, I peer through an open door and see a group of students working on a clothing project. I know one of the students and ask him if I can take his project with me to lunch. It is a shirt that he has decorated by gluing on cords and trinkets. He’s fine with my taking it, as long as I have it back in time to turn in. I drape the shirt over my arm and head to the university cafeteria, but before I get there, the decorations begin to peel off the shirt. 

Oh no. I scurry back to my friend’s classroom, but no one is there. I am desperate to fix my friend’s project, but the supplies are put away and I can’t find them no matter how hard I search. I acknowledge that my friend was slack in the way he secured the ornaments to his shirt in the first place, but I still feel responsible and guilty because I had it in my possession, and I feel powerless to resolve the problem because it wasn’t my class and I don’t have access to the supplies. 

I awoke from this dream agitated, frustrated, and confused. And then, when the mental fogginess of the night’s sleep cleared from my head, I understood the message of my dream.

I had gone to sleep the night before, like I had so often the last few weeks, struggling with and fretting over Mason’s decision to quit dance competition. It seems that all of my mind’s attempts to find peace with his decision by reminding myself that it was the right decision for him were not working.

In my dream, I took on something that was not mine. It was not my class or project or learning. I had absolutely no connection or tie to it. I didn’t even have a use or need for it. Yet I voluntarily took it and wore it as if it were mine. 

How CRAZY is it that I would ask to take the project, life lesson, learning of someone else when it had absolutely nothing, nada, zero to do with me?!  Totally irrational. Just like I have done with Mason’s journey with dance. I have created an illusion that it is mine too.

My possession of the shirt, the illusion of my connection to the shirt and that it had something to do with me, caused me to feel responsible for solving the problems when it didn’t look the way it did when I took it on. No attempt on my part would make a difference because I did not have the resources, tools, or vision to fix it...it was not my shirt, my project or my class. No wonder I was consumed with the negative emotions of stress, worry, panic and powerlessness. Likewise, I am suffering Mason’s decision because I have no control or power to resolve it in the way I want it to be, or think it should be, resolved. 

Now I see that I am wearing Mason’s dance journey, although it is not mine, and never was. His decision about dance is solely his because it is about his life, his learning, his journey, and it is not mine to address. Now, it is only mine to UNDRESS.

Side note - I thought that it would be interesting to include the interpretations from my two dream symbol books on the following three elements in my dream:

Hunger - physical, emotional, and mental deficiencies; wanting and being in need of food in any form, usually emotional food.

School - learning; indication that your unconscious is processing lessons from your waking life.

Clothes - refers directly to your self-esteem; how you currently feel about yourself.

"to watch us dance is to hear our hearts speak"

Trey and I attended a Movement Mass in Boulder last Sunday. For an hour, we danced in free form with 75-100 adults, of all ages. My heart has been longing for this freedom of expression, this depth of presence with a community, this celebration of life. The experience was blessed.

I have included the following dance quotes in hope that they will inspire you to unleash the dance of your heart and soul.

"Dance is the hidden language of the soul."-Martha Graham

"Dance isn't a form it's a way of life." ~anonymous

"To dance is to be out of yourself. Larger, more beautiful, more powerful. This is power, it is glory on earth and it is yours for the taking." -Agnes De Mille

"We dance for laughter, we dance for tears, we dance for madness, we dance for fears, we dance for hopes, we dance for screams, we are the dancers, we create the dreams." ~anonymous

"Dancing with the feet is one thing, but dancing with the heart is another." ~anonymous

"The Dancer believes that his art has something to say which cannot be expressed in words or in any other way than by dancing... there are times when the simple dignity of movement can fulfill the function of a volume of words. There are movements which impinge upon the nerves with a strength that is incomparable, for movement has power to stir the senses and emotions, unique in itself. This is the dancer's justification for being, and his reason for searching further for deeper aspects of his art." -Doris Humphrey, 1937

"You can dance anywhere, even if only in your heart." ~anonymous

"You know you're dancing when tears of pain and happiness blend in with your sweat." ~anonymous

"Dance is your pulse, your heartbeat, your breathing. It's the rhythm of your life. It's the expression in time and movement, in happiness, joy, sadness and envy." -Jaques D'ambroise

"Everything in the universe has rhythm. Everything dances."-Maya Angelou

"I see dance being used as communication between body and soul, to express what is too deep to find for words."-Ruth St. Denis

"Dancers are the athletes of God." -Albert Einstein

"Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain." ~anonymous

"Dance is a song of the body. Either of joy or pain."-Martha Graham 

"To watch us dance is to hear our hearts speak."-Indian Proverb

Amen. Namaste. Shalom. Peace. Salaam. And So It Is.

food fun

In August, my family hosted an 18 year old from Saudi Arabia for 2 1/2 weeks in our home. His name is Hussein. We learned a great deal from Hussein about his culture, and I think it is safe to say that he learned even more about American culture from tagging along with our 17 year old son to school and social events, as well as interacting with our two daughters!

One new experience we gained came about when Hussein cooked us a traditional dish from his homeland of rice and Halal chicken. He served this yummy-smelling meal on a large platter and then asked us, in his broken English, if we would like to eat it they way it is eaten in his country. We had no idea what he meant by this question, but we were all game. Hussein proceeded to dig in to the food with his fingers, tearing chicken off the bone and gathering rice into the tips of his fingers, and then he neatly brought the mixture to his mouth and ate it. 

The rice was not the sticky Japanese variety, so no matter our attempt at scooping, shoveling, or compacting it, we couldn’t avoid making a mess of our faces, our laps or the floor! We have never laughed so much at the dinner table or had so much fun eating. We looked like a family of toddlers. No plates, no utensils, and surprisingly no dexterity in our fingers to master this seemingly basic and simple task. Although Hussein had total faith in us and illustrated time again the proper placement of our fingers, we still ended up with a rice trail to every seat but his!

soul food

glimpses of beauty and peace this last week

juxtaposing the turmoil in our daily life

an afternoon in the mountains

a postcard perfect day

strokes of Aspen gold brushed among the panoramic Evergreens

elk herds in the meadows

bulls bugling their eerie otherworldly mating calls

hiking hand-in-hand with my beloved

we perched ourselves on a massive boulder

allowing the roar of a waterfall to wash away all distractions from the present

a finger smashed in a locker...but not broken!

my son sharing his truth 

sowing seeds of healing with his dance family

tea with a friend in pain

over her decision to end her 15 year marriage

yet the undercurrent of peaceful soul knowing shone through her tears

me time, snuggling on my couch 

finishing my 900 page book, The Mists of Avalon

an unrequested back massage from my husband

purity in his giving and my receiving - nothing more or less

his touch enveloping me as if in the care of great Mothers

Mother Earth, Mother Mary, the Goddess Quan Yin 

Trey's eyes illuminating absolute love of me, for me

these are God sightings

Her miracles nourishing my soul

tug of war within

I had an off day yesterday, a genuine funk. And I thought that I was doing so well with the recent struggles in our lives. For the most part, I have remained centered and stable and connected in the face of these challenges. And then, seemingly out of nowhere, fear or grief or anger bubbled up from the deep crevices of my being and disturbed the calm waters of my peace.

As is typical for me, I am incredulous and shocked that fear/sadness/anger still have an unyielding grasp on me. I am frustrated by my internal tug of war, the knowing that “all is well and exactly as it should be” holding one end of the rope v. the feeling “but this hurts like hell and/or I am so afraid of the unknown” pulling equally in opposition at the other end. Why, oh why, if I am tapped into and connected with my higher self and a broader perspective, do I still feel and experience negative, draining emotions?

This is when I have to remind myself that I am both a spiritual being and a human being.  Even though I desperately wish that my higher knowing (and the accompanying peace it provides) would act as a magic wand and simply erase any and all residual fear, pain, anger, despair, regret, depression, melancholy...it doesn’t. The reality is that the human part of me still needs tending to.

This awareness has never been clearer to me than with the deaths of my loved ones. With each loss, I simultaneously experienced profound peace and insufferable pain. I never questioned or judged my expression of grief. It was real and pure and raw and I knew without a doubt that it was far healthier for me to grieve than not. I’m not sure that I could have contained my deep feelings of loss even if I had tried. Yet at the same time, I was acutely aware that my higher knowing, my sense of the bigger picture of life, was the grace of God that allowed and nurtured my healing.

Being in fear or sadness or any other negative emotion sucks. The negative emotions arising in me now are not overpowering as they were when my family and friend died. I could ignore them.  I could choose to only validate the higher knowing part of myself, dragging the human emotional part of me along kicking and screaming, expecting a magical healing. Or I could acknowledge that the human part of me still holds old beliefs, patterns, programming that need to be dismantled and replaced with more expansive, loving, higher thought, truth connections. 

It will require attention and effort on my part to give the human aspect of me its expression, allowing my fear or sense of loss or sadness its voice so that I can then understand it, heal it, release it, transform it. (There are infinite resources available to help me through this process, some of which I connect to are prayer, the teachings of “What the Bleep” and “The Secret,” and The Work of Byron Katie.)

I absolutely cherish that I trust and listen to my intuition, my heart and my guidance, but I also want to be mindful of the tug of the human part of me that still needs attention...that part of me that still wears and bares the sentiment, “Fragile. Handle with care.”

"should" and "must" - enemies of passion

My son Mason is mesmerizing in motion and movement. He emotes an invisible yet tangible quality, character, emotion in his dancing that deeply touches and moves the hearts of many of us observing him. We are drawn in to the experience. Though sitting, our spirits dance with him and experience openness, authenticity, freedom. Through him we witness purity of gifts and the expression of natural talent.

(Okay, sometimes he just goes through the motions of dance, but more often than not he connects to it.)

Mason recently decided to step away from competing in dance this year, his senior year.   To those of you not familiar with the competitive dance world, what that means, in part, is that he will not work with the nationally-acclaimed choreographers who come to his studio to choreograph pieces for the year. He also will no longer have a venue for performing on stage in front of dance teachers and choreographers or a general audience. 

It is not common to opt out of competition if you are serious about creating a dance career after high school. Needless to say, because of his incredible talent, his peers can’t believe it, and his studio owners are disappointed, as are Trey and I. Why put at risk the professional relationships he has nurtured and the buzz and momentum he has created around himself?

Because he listened to his heart.

Part of me is thinking, “Damn! Why are Trey and I such heart-focused parents!” The higher knowing part of me is celebrating his decision, because listening to his heart is one of my sincere desires for him (for all of my children) throughout his life.

It took a lot of courage for him to go against the advice of his teachers/mentors whose greatest desires are to support him on his dance journey. Mason has always heeded their advice, and now he is not. He has taken the beginning steps of transitioning out of boyhood and into manhood, into his own power.

This situation has made me question whether we have a “moral” or “spiritual” responsibility to share and live our greatest gifts? What do you think?

In my 49 years of life experience, I have said “no” for significant time periods to two of my gifts - channeling and writing.  I said “no” when the expression of these gifts felt burdensome, when I believed that I had no choice or control or say-so in them, when I felt I had to do them in a certain way by fitting into someone else’s expectations or boundaries.... The tell-tell signs for me that I was not in my authentic power and choice were when I recognized that I invariably attached “should” to my doing them and the requirement that they “must” look a certain way. 

I believe that we have the right to say no. For me, saying no was the only way I knew at the time to re-form and re-configure my expression of them. I said yes again on both fronts, but only when I was ready and able to proceed in harmony with my heart and my knowing. Now, my expression through writing and channeling feels joyful and fun, and I experience ease and flow and a sense of peace. I have allowed passion to reignite in me. 

Mason’s choice to compete or not does not encompass rightness or wrongness, but is neutral. One decision is not towards love and the other away from love. His decision to not compete is only personal to him, not to anyone else, even though we may feel it personally. Mason feels that the cycle of competition for him has run its course, like the end of a season or a relationship. He acknowledged that this year he was entering the dance season with one foot on the gas pedal and the other on the brake, and knew that he was sending conflicting messages to the Universe. I am proud that he can see and acknowledge that. And although his decision appears to go against a proven and traditional path for success, that path is not the only way to succeed. 

Malcolm Gladwell in his book, The Outliers, speaks to the standard of needing to put 10,000 hours into your field or craft to become an expert. 10,000 hours! Sounds overwhelming to me, but I imagine that passion is the healthiest and most natural fuel and energy to get you there. I am so grateful that my son has the insight and maturity to make difficult choices away from “should” and “must” in order to protect his passion.

grace from my Grace

Recently, it has felt like my family is in the energy of “the shit hit the fan.” When I used this descriptive expression in front of my analytical son, he questioned why anyone would throw shit at a fan! Granted, he made a valid point, but it was beside the point I was trying to make.

In one week’s time, Trey and I met with a bankruptcy attorney, Mason had is first fender bender (in Trey’s car) on the highway, Connor got a triple ticket driving back from Boulder, our garage door quit working despite three attempts by a repair man to fix it which meant that our cars were parked in unusual places and Mason backed his car into my car (so he banged up all three of our cars!), my radiator sprung a leak and had to be replaced, Mason decided to quit competing for his studio (although he plans to continue his dance training) causing friction with his studio owners and his parents, and my sister is in excruciating back pain and will have back surgery on Wednesday. Shit...is hitting the fan! What a mess!

Gracie seems to be the only one in our family with her act together. Don’t take me wrong because she is, after all, a 13 year old hormonal 8th grader who doesn’t care for her parents much anymore and who is prone to frequent unpleasant outbursts of negative dramatic emotion, but somehow her life is rocking along smoothly and successfully. Go figure.

In the solitude of my car (actually Trey’s because my radiator was kaput) over a 17 hour drive home from Chicago, I embraced Grace-like behavior. I screamed and cussed at the top of my lungs, I bawled like a baby, and I threw many temper tantrums...for hours. And then I was better. Instead of bottling up all the stress and frustration and anger and fear I felt about all of these predicaments, I expressed the deep reservoir of my emotions in the moment, releasing the negative and freeing up space in me to see the bigger picture, to gain a healthy and balanced perspective, and to find peace. Gracie is on to something. It worked! 

Although the onset of the teenage years can seem like hell, I just tasted a little bit of heaven by reverting back to my teenage-ness! I discovered grace from my Grace.

Jesus - a way to know thyself

So many things to share! Returned yesterday from a five day road trip to Chicago and back to take Connor to Northwestern for her sophomore year. Lots of food for thought. Here’s one.

On my solo 17 hour drive home, I saw a billboard that read “Jesus - the ONLY way to know God.” My impulse response, yelling out loud I should add, was “You’re f---ing crazy!” Really?!

I absolutely love Jesus. He has shown up in my life in direct, powerful, and dramatic ways. I have experienced his love, his presence, his energy, his beauty many times over. I also have vivid memories of life with him when he incarnated on Earth.  I have experienced his essence as truth and as pure love manifested on Earth. 

I have never experienced or felt him teaching, professing, or even suggesting that the ONLY way to know God is through him. Jesus was, he is, pure love consciousness. He is an ultimate example of what and who we have the potential and power and destiny to be. 

God is present in our lives each and every moment because the presence of God is within. We are foolish to believe that we need to look externally to find God, whether it be through a person, a holy text, an artifact or a religion. External manifestations are present simply to assist us on our journey of embracing the divine within, but they are not the destination. Through Jesus and the other many sages, prophets, enlightened masters, seers, gurus, saints, beings of light, we can follow their examples of self-realization and tap into the infinite reservoir of our own authentic power, love essence, and divinity!

Jesus did not come to Earth to limit our experience of God through him. Jesus came here to shine his light so that we may grasp that we have the innate capacity to shine our own. His capacity to love overwhelms me, accessing my love in return.

he completes me

Last weekend, I joined a group of ladies to see the movie “Eat Pray Love.”  The movie, which is based on Elizabeth Gilbert’s book of the same name, has led me to reflect upon my relationship with my husband Trey.

I need Trey. There was a time, early in our relationship, that I needed him for the “wrong” reasons…my insecurity and perceived lack of power. Then I grew and evolved and self-discovered and came to the idea that I must relinquish any and all need for him to prove my emotional health. I believed that I must be able to be independent and autonomous. That is a little difficult to totally achieve when you are happily married, but to some extent I did achieve it. I reached a point in our relationship and in my life in which I knew without a doubt that I could be okay without him. More importantly, I knew that I was “me” whether with him, or without him. For me, it was a journey of discovering that I love myself, deeply in fact. I held the belief that though I did not need Trey to be healthy and to be me, life was far richer and juicier and more joyous sharing it with him. 

And now, I find myself back to the knowing that I need Trey. I need my beloved to fully experience myself. I need his touch to keep my body aware and responsive. I need the space he creates while we lie in bed, his arms around me, his heart open and nonjudgmental, and his willingness to just be present with me…for me to release and shed through words or tears or both the sadness of the world that I tend to absorb. I need him like he is my counterpart, the yang of my yin, the completion of me, the perfect complement and balance to wholeness. At one time, it felt as though his profound love for me was the soil, the nourishment, for my own blooming, but now it feels as though energetically, spiritually, and in essence we are one and the same; he is me and I am him. In this new and different way from our early relationship, I need him.

life is like a bruised peach

In Colorado, the harvest of sweet Palisade peaches and succulent ears of Olathe corn alludes to the end of the long hot days of summer and the debut of autumn. It also means that for the brief time while the “gettin’ is good,” we overindulge on the good! Delectable, sweet juices dripping down our faces extravagance!

Scrambling out the door for a morning appointment, I grabbed a peach for a breakfast on the run. Settled into my drive and ready to eat, I noticed a dark mushy bruise on a portion of the fruit. In that moment, I clearly saw that I held two opposing perspectives on how to deal with the situation. Part of me believed that the whole fruit was ruined by the bruise and that I should discard the whole thing. But there was another voice in me acknowledging that there was still a significant part of the fruit that was good. I opted to enjoy and savor the good part. 

Life is like a bruised peach. 

Life is sweet and juicy and delicious, and it is also fragile and delicate. When struggles arise, we feel bruised and injured. When those struggles are significant, sometimes we are overwhelmed by fear or sadness or suffering or depression and unable to see that there is still beauty and goodness in our lives. Our struggles can lead us to believe that the entirety of our life is bad.

About two and half years ago, my husband bought a land surveying company as an investment. Just a few months after his purchase, the bottom fell out of the construction and land development industry. Through much hardship and personal financial sacrifice (and stress!), Trey has been able to keep the company afloat in hopes that the economy would upswing again. It hasn’t. We are now faced with possible bankruptcy. In some moments, I am overcome with fear of the unknown. I find myself easily agitated and my mind obsessing on gloomy “what ifs.” I’m scared.

This is an opportune time for me to embrace the idea that life is like a bruised peach. If I am willing, which I am, I can focus on and hold onto the many blessings in my life. I have tremendous love and support in my life through my family and my friends. I am healthy and my family is healthy. Trey is a wonderful attorney and over time he will be able to rebuild our financial state. Sure, the prospect of bankruptcy is an ugly distasteful bruise, but it is just one aspect of our lives. We are rich in the ways that matter most to me, and to us. I intend to savor the sweetness that completes the reality of our lives.