Thanksgiving: a moment of pure gratitude

Sitting in the Verizon Theater, surrounded by my sisters and brothers, nephews and a niece, an aunt and cousins, family friends, my husband and daughter, and my mom and my dad, all 29 of us watching my son so fully in his element - dancing, acting, shining on the stage while performing with Demi Lovato - I found myself in a moment of pure gratitude.

One of those moments that envelops you and seems to fill every cell of your body and every corner of your awareness, mind, and consciousness. Sheer appreciation for life. All is well and whole in this moment, even though our daily lives feel far from perfect. 

The love of family creating a powerful force field of strength and security and belonging. 

My dad recovering from his two recent strokes and genuinely enjoying the show. 

My brother reunited with his sons after spending Thanksgiving apart from them. 

Cuddles abounding. 

Several family members for the first time getting to experience Mason’s dancing in person. 

Our teenagers tangibly touched by their cousin’s success, and celebrating him. 

Witnessing Mason live his dream and passion after years of hard work, dedication and sacrifices. 

The moment was simply perfect. Thank you God.

my love song

My dear husband’s 50th birthday was last week. Anyone who knows us well knows the vastness of our love.  Here is a poem about him, about me, about how his presence in my life is the greatest blessing and gift of all. Thank you Trey and Happy Birthday. Thank you God.

I wish I loved me

As he loves me

In his arms I am free

Releasing fears

Shedding tears

Free of self-judgment and shame

Free of barriers, burden and pain

In the ocean of his eyes

My potential survives

He sees in me

All that I struggle to be

My highest self

The love in his gaze

Whispers prayers to my soul

Bidding me to know

I am beautiful, powerful

I am whole

I am loved

And, I am love

Always by my side

Always on my side

No matter the tide

Of my emotions, my thoughts

My words, my endeavors

Time has unveiled his love 

As absolute and forever

I wish I loved me

As he loves me

This is my life’s journey

To fall 

Unconditionally

Timelessly

Unequivocally

Palpably

Passionately 

In love with me

two videos of my dancing boy

More fun dance gigs for Mason this past week: Dancing with the Stars on Tuesday, and Carnival (a monthly choreographers showcase in LA) on Wednesday. On Thursday, he started rehearsing again for the extended Demi Lovato tour. Mase is truly living his dream!

If you are interested, check out these two videos for great views of Mason dancing:

1) Dancing with the Stars - this dance is to a medley of three Broadway songs from 42nd Street, West Side Story and In the Heights. The first portion is a tap number and Mason is at the very top of the stairs. In the next two segments, Mason is in the yellow tank top. It is a phenomenal piece!

DWTS Macy's Stars of Dance featuring Corbin Bleu! 10.25.11

2) Carnival - this was a Halloween-themed showcase. This video is not appropriate for children as there is profanity in the lead-in video and then the makeup and costuming during the dance is quite scary (see pic below). Mason is not in the video portion. The choreographer, Alec, just turned 19 years old and did an amazing job with the set, makeup and choreography. To spot Mason, look for the tallest dancer on the stage. He starts out left of center.

ALEC B. CLAWSON PRESENTS | THE CELL

self-discovery

I have a great deck of tarot cards, “Osho Zen,” that I have been using for several months now. They are positive, beautiful, and inspiring. Love them!

Sometimes I just pull one card as a message for the day, and other times I will do a reading layout when I have a question or issue that I am focused on. I am consistently amazed at how on point the messages of these cards are to my internal struggles and conflicts.

Two cards that are recurring to me are “schizophrenia” and “aloneness.” It is literally humorous how often these two cards show up out of a deck of 79 cards, whether I am pulling one card, or 10 for the reading layout. Obviously, I still have work to do in my self-discovery on these two fronts.

Schizophrenia. (Dang!)

“Should I go here or there? Should I say yes or no? And whatever decision we make, we will always wonder if we should have decided the other way.” 

“You are a marketplace - many voices. If you want to say ‘yes’, immediately the ‘no’ is there. You cannot even utter a simple word ‘yes’ with totality.... In this way happiness is not possible; unhappiness is a natural consequence of a split personality.”

“The whole effort of Zen is how to drop this schizophrenia, how to drop this split personality, how to drop the divided mind of man, how to become undivided, integrated, centered, crystallized.”

I am in transition in my life, from full time mothering, to still mothering my youngest child yet also stepping more fully into my own life. I am struggling. I have spent the last 20 years of my life fully engaged in my children’s lives. I absolutely love parenting and must admit that I am not ready for this phase of my life to end. But the end is rapidly approaching nonetheless. 

I not only find myself resisting this transition, but I am also finding it difficult to uncover my dreams and passions. Activities that formerly invigorated me, no longer have the same energy or appeal. My mind tells me to just go get a job, or to volunteer more, but the “no” always seems to creep in.  I think the “no” is my heart telling me to be patient and allow time to discover my heart’s desire. My mind is at battle with itself and my heart. This truly is schizophrenia!

Aloneness. (Dang again!)

“When you are alone you are not alone, you are simply lonely - and there is a tremendous difference between loneliness and aloneness. When you are lonely, you are thinking of the other, you are missing the other. Loneliness is a negative state.”

“Loneliness is the absence of the other. Aloneness is the presence of oneself. Aloneness is very positive. It is a presence, overflowing presence. You are so full of presence that you can fill the whole universe with your presence and there is no need for anybody.”

Now is the time to step into my aloneness, my presence. I miss my two older children tremendously. But their absence has helped me to recognize that I have used my children to distract me from my life, my aloneness. What am I afraid of? Theoretically, I know that I have gifts to bring to this world and hopefully many years remaining to bring them. Am I afraid that I won’t tap into them? Yes. Am I afraid of change? Yes. Am I afraid  of not being productive, worthwhile, needed? Yes. 

I am allowing my mind and my loneliness to sabotage me. Thank you Spirit for speaking to me through the cards and supporting me on my journey to presence. 

life is good, especially for our boy!

September has been overflowing with travel and excitement: two trips to LA to see Mason and one to Chicago to visit Connor! This momma’s dream!

Mason booked the Demi Lovato tour as a backup dancer! He performed in her concert two weeks ago in NYC and last weekend in LA, which Trey and I were able to attend. Demi was wonderful, Mason was spectacular (as were the three other dancers), and the concert was entertaining throughout! I am beyond excited for him!

If you want to check out some of Mason’s performances, just get on youtube and enter “demi lovato club nokia 9-23-11” and tons of videos will show up. Look for these four songs 1) Hold Up, 2) Who’s That Boy, 3) Lightweight and 4) Together, all filmed and uploaded by “TheRealConcertKing” for decent quality videos and good views of Mase. Also check out the video from Good Morning America at the following link:

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/video/demi-lovato-performs-whos-boy-gma-14558072?tab=9482931&section=1206836&playlist=2898870

 Enjoy! Life is Good!

That's Mason on the left!

poetry

I hope you enjoy these two poems I wrote this week, one light-hearted and the other deeply sentimental to me. 

The Breeze

See the soft breeze

Weave through the leaves

Seems to with ease

Tease out my sneeze

Achoo!

Heartstrings

Dear Daughter, sweet Daughter

No longer a child

Not quite a woman

Here you are, we are

Changing

I see your innocence

Fade into the past

Self-doubt thrive and

Harden its cast

I long to shield you

From life’s pain

But I can’t!

Dear God, help her

Trust that love reigns

Romance will ebb and flow

Best friends will divide

Your heart may break

My love will never die

It will not fail

The mistakes we’ll both make

The wall between us laid

Your deepest thoughts veiled

My love will never melt away

May my love hush

The harsh voice that replaced

“It’s great” with “I hate”

My hair, my clothes, my shape

You are so much more

More than pretty, and things

Dear God, I implore

May she know she is divine

May she look within to shine

No longer a child

Not quite a woman

Here you are, we are

Changing

Dear Daughter, sweet Daughter

My love will never fade away

observations of a visitor

I made 3 trips to Los Angeles last month getting Mason settled in to his new home. The energy in LA is so different from here in Fort Collins; the people so varied from homogeneous Fort Collins, and diverse from each other. 

My familiarity with LA allowed me to be a little more present in the city, more than I had ever been. I observed the tendency within myself and others to gravitate towards like people, as if the personality longs to fit in and group itself. 

In a city with millions of people, overstimulation and overwhelm make it difficult to take everyone and everything in. It is as if we are born with, or maybe conditioned to have, natural filters that sieve out the dissimilar, or uninteresting, situations and people...such as the elderly, who are present yet seemingly ghost-like in their ability to attract attention...unless, I assume, you are an elderly person too.

Gracie wore a boot cast for 3 months in the spring, and all the sudden we became aware of the multitude of people, young and old, wearing boots. Trey and I were struck by the same phenomenon with our first pregnancy. Before pregnancy, we just didn’t notice young couples with their babies, but with our change in circumstance, suddenly baby strollers and young families were everywhere! They were always there, just not in our “grouping” radar before.

There is also the other side of the coin...those people who are so completely different from you that they draw your attention. In LA, I found myself pulled in by the hallucinating druggie, the movie star beautiful people, the actual movie star, the body builders, the homeless and the mentally ill, and the “rich beyond your imagination dudes who want you to know it.”

I do not think that there is anything inherently wrong with our tendency to group ourselves with people with similar life circumstances and experiences, as long as we do not judge or criticize another’s choices and path. I strive to be a person who is kind to, and respectful of, all people. Sometimes, though, I still find that I have to remind myself to allow others their differences. 

Shortly after my return home from LA, I received the following daily quote from Abraham-Hicks Publications, which I think is beautifully apt:

Nonphysical is not asking you to ascribe to some specific label or stand in specific corners or in specific synagogues or churches with specific words. You are beings who are blessed and who are deserving of Well-being, and you will find your Well-being in many different ways - and the labels simply do not matter.   --- Abraham

grief is here

My two older children and I are sharing a common experience at the moment, that of grief. Not the gut wrenching, time stopping grief experienced upon the death of a loved one, but grief nonetheless. 

For me, my two older children have now flown from the nest. My house is way too quiet. My day to day life is way too open and unscheduled. I know that I will find my new passions and purpose and routine, but the interim is unsettling and lonely and painful. Grief is a natural response for a mother who knows that her family of 5 will never be whole again.

On our 17 hour drive moving Mason to Los Angeles two weeks ago, Mason couldn’t help but reflect on the magnitude of the change in his life. He doesn’t know when he and his buddies from high school will all be together again, but he knows that the intimacy of their relationships will likely never be the same. Grief is a natural emotion when distance and time separate you from your best friends.

Connor called me recently, upset that several of her closest friends graduated Northwestern a few weeks ago. She doesn’t know if she will ever see these friends again, as her college reunion years will never coincide with theirs. Again, grief is a natural response.

I wish there was a magical potion to dissolve the sorrow. There isn’t. There is simply tears to be shed, heartache to be expressed and released, and the passage of time to help us establish our new way of being in our new circumstances in life. And, certainly, there is gratitude...for the depth and beauty of the relationships we share with others, for the courage to care and love and feel so openly and fiercely, and for choosing to embrace life and change, even knowing that grief will naturally come our way from time to time.

bliss to blues to bliss again

Over the last several months, I have taken tai chi classes and recently learned tai chi simplified 24 form. One morning this last week while visiting family in Texas, I decided to begin my day with tai chi. Barefoot and excited to put my new skill into practice, I found a shady and secluded spot in the back yard. Forty-five minutes later, I was on a “peaceful high,” energized by my active meditation and overflowing with gratitude for life. Walking back into the house, I reveled in how good I felt and how good life is, and then...I stepped in runny animal excrement, which seeped between my toes and slung onto my other calf and ankle with my next step. Ha!

Yesterday, I returned from my trip, expecting to find my outdoor potted plants sick and wilting, as the case has been for years when I travel and leave my plants in my family’s care. Literally, for the first time, my plants were thriving and beautiful! I showered my husband in kisses and compliments and gratitude. Every time I looked outside, the vibrant colors painting my front porch and back deck made me smile. And then, just a few hours later...the mother of all hailstorms hit. My potted plants, and my garden’s flowering plants, are now completely stripped of their blooms and leaves, leaving sad lonely stalks protruding from the soil. What was lush and vibrant moments before, is now barren.

I feel like I have opened two fortune cookies with the same message: the only constant in life is change. I am reminded that life is constantly in a state of flux and that I should enjoy and celebrate my good mood and the beautiful flowers when they are present, and then do my best to find humor or an underlying silver-lining when faced with (or stepping in...) the “shit” life throws at us.  

Sitting with the possibility that beauty can still arise from muck and destruction, I discovered a couple of hidden blessings! First, the contrasting experience of no flowers significantly enriches my experience of flowers. Just wouldn’t be the same experience if flowers were around 24/7/365. Second, I realized that in the past upon the unfortunate occasions when I stepped in feces, my response typically was on the same energy level as the feces (#@!!%)!  Yet, this time was dramatically different. Feeling blissfully connected to my spirit having just meditated, I had spontaneously laughed and found the “crap” in life remarkably easy to handle! 

letting go is hard to do

Mason turns 18 years old on Friday and graduates from high school a week later. He was accepted into USC (University of Southern California - his first choice!) and was able to defer for one year. Mason will be moving to LA sometime this summer to pursue his dance career.

Dear Son,

How am I to do this...this letting go of you?

How am I to wake up excited for each day knowing that you and your extraordinary presence will not be here with me?

I wish I could do this gracefully, but I am not sure that I can.

I will miss everything about you. 

Your humor and lightness. 

The depth and breadth that you feel and think and care and express.

Your technical savvy with electronics. 

Your endless questioning about life and its meaning for you and others. 

I’ll miss your awesome friends. 

The conversations about dance and family and school and girls and the many varied topics that interest you. 

Witnessing your artistry as you are in the flow of creation, whether it be choreography or a video. 

Watching you research, visit stores, obsess I mean research some more, and then purchase, all in a matter of a few days! 

Your hugs and the occasional request to put you to bed. 

Your seemingly infinite wellspring of dedication, motivation, interests and passions. You are truly a modern day Renaissance man.

Your discoveries and aha moments in your journey to answer your frequent questions, “What am I doing?” and “Who am I?”

I will miss all of these things with you and about you, more than you can know.

I am grateful for every moment with you, Mason, from the lows of the struggles to the highs of all your successes, and everything in between. 

I am not proud to admit that your leaving home creates a void inside of me, thick in sorrow and always weeping, sometimes gently, and often uncontrollably. This void is all my own, not yours, and it is for me to fill. I will start by filling it with the overwhelming gratitude that I have for the amazing man, person, soul that you have become, gratitude for your readiness in going out into the world, and gratitude for the pure bond and love that we share. 

In handling your leaving, I may not be graceful, but I am profoundly grateful, and that is a solid start.

Just like you promised me years ago that your hugs and affection would continue after you grew up, I promise you that no matter how grown up you become that forever and always you will be my Mason-man.

a call to sanity

My husband wrote this entry in response to my recent blog "pornography to my ears and soul." Thank you Trey.

It’s been an interesting week since our local newspaper published Jenice’s commentary on hearing Katy Perry’s E.T. song. In the grocery store, on the soccer field, even while riding my bike, people have come up to one or both of us to tell us that they read Jenice’s editorial. These have been people we know well and people we barely know at all. Grace, our 8^th grader, has come home from school with stories of how her friends’ mothers were all talking about the editorial and how a teacher discussed it in class for a while. In another case, a friend told Jenice that her editorial was the subject of that week’s church sermon.

And we talked about Jenice’s commentary further with each other and our kids as well. 

Mason, Grace, and I all had two similar initial reactions to Jenice’s editorial: (1) as she noted, we thought it was a little odd that this particular song at this particular time triggered such a strong reaction in her, and (2) we noted that there wasn’t any proposed solution – no call to action.

As the week went on, I began to see Jenice’s commentary differently, however. I realized that, although it did not include a call to action, that may be for the best. When I originally read her essay, I had anticipated that she would end her observations on pop music lyrics with some instruction on what we should do about the problem. I think a part of me felt a little let down by the lack of a hopeful message on what we could do. 

But the truth is that we don’t need another “war on” anything. It seems that every time we try to strongly oppose something, whether in sports, in business, in politics, or in popular culture, our actions only provoke equally strong reactions. So maybe we don’t need a rallying cry, a call to action, so much as a call to sanity. And that is exactly what Jenice’s editorial was – a call to sanity.

It’s simply not a very controversial statement: As enticing as the beats can be, popular music often encourages an unhealthy world view for the consumption of our youth. And yet we collectively continue to generate and consume that music. Why? I am not against the artists, and certainly not against the freedom of expression, but I am intrigued at the choices that we make collectively, especially when those choices are harmful to us in some way. 

So, now I am grateful that Jenice’s message did not include instructions on solving the problem and I am grateful that she acted on her impulse – even if all of us, Jenice included, are baffled by “Why that song? Why now?” 

I think that is enough that Jenice trusted her strong emotional response enough to put it into words and then put those words into print. By shining a light on an issue that we all know is there, but are usually numb to, maybe she helps us take the opportunity to be a little more conscious in our choices, a little more sane. And if the ripple effect of her editorial is any indication, the simple act of sharing an emotional response when we are genuinely moved to do so may be one of the most powerful actions around.

~Trey Cutler

a good friday

Today is Good Friday and it is Earth Day. I have been sitting on my couch, for far longer than I want to admit, really...trying...very...hard to wax poetic on one or both subjects! 

I got nothing. Except a lot of trying. 

What I do possess for Jesus and the earth is love that is tangible and runs deep within my being and at times can overwhelm me into a crying heap of gratitude, awe and elation all meshed together. 

The earth is a host to humankind and innumerable other life forms. Will we ultimately choose to heal the injuries and fragilities we are causing upon her? I hope so. I pray so.

Jesus was born into this realm as flesh and blood to role model the essence of humanity. God wanted us to understand our own Divinity. Many were looking for a “savior” who would come here and fix all that was wrong and difficult in their lives and in the world - an external resolution. Yet, Jesus’ work was internally focused, intended to reach our hearts and souls to assist us in our awakening and evolution. We are as Jesus and the Divine, we are light and love, and able to co-create with God. Jesus was here to bridge the divide between man and God. Jesus was the host showing us that God was not out in the ether somewhere beyond us or outside of us, but rather within.

2000 years in “time” have passed since Jesus’ presence here, yet his life of love continues to transform the world today, like a magnet pulling us within, awakening our consciousness, and helping us to grow closer to Truth and to God. Through love, all is possible, miracles are possible. Thank you Jesus for all of the miracles of your life and death. 

Happy Easter and Happy Earth Day everyone!

pornography to me ears and soul

I’m driving my 8th grade daughter to school this morning. As usual, she is in control of the radio station and music selection. Also as usual, she settles in on a mainstream hip hop/pop station. 

We travel without conversation as neither of us is fully awake yet, only the music filling the silence. A song plays that I have not heard before, and suddenly I feel as if I have been punched in the stomach, drained of breath and life force. Did I hear those lyrics correctly? I immediately turn off the radio. My heart and my being sink.

I instruct Grace that when this song comes on the radio, she is to change the station immediately. This is not typical behavior for me, or a typical reaction from me. Usually, I’m fairly easy going, or more accurately, I’m resigned to the fact that our popular music is inundated with graphic sexual and violent messages. 

I’m not sure why, but this morning the brazen lyrics trigger an intensely negative visceral reaction in me. I’m sad. I feel beat up. I’m angry. 

I feel totally ambushed and attacked by the message and deeply saddened that our society has reached the point of complacency that my teenager and I are unwittingly exposed to pornography while driving to middle school.

I’m surprised by the intensity of my own reaction.

I find the song on the internet when I get home. It is called “E.T.” and is by Katy Perry. Kanye West is featured on it. These lyrics are sung by Kanye:

Imma disrobe you

Then Imma probe you

See I've abducted you

So I'll tell you what to do

I tell you what to do (what to do, what to do)

OK. I know that these lyrics are no worse than many other songs out there. And, I know that I allow my children to be exposed to a great deal of unhealthy influences in their day to day life through mainstream media.

But in this moment, I am devastated that my beautiful 14 year old daughter, who is in the stage of life where she is discovering her place in the world, hears these lyrics and worse, day in and day out, lyrics that to me say that it is fine, normal or even desirable for a man to exploit you, abuse you, rape you, abduct you, exert power over you.... I’m sickened. 

snowballs bursting with love

Thank God that life allows for hope and healing, that the mechanics of our existence actually direct, streamline, corral, point us towards...healing and hope. Thank God. 

Without faith in our ability to heal, how would we survive the moments in life that are heartbreaking, cruel, unfair, or even insidious? The moments that stop us cold and breathless, and leave us completely hollow and alone? We all experience those moments...anguish that can last a moment or a few days, or can stretch into months, years, and even a lifetime.

Thank God there is hope. Thank God there is healing. Thank God there is peace. Thank God there is light and love. Thank God. 

If I am to be a feeling person, a compassionate person, a person connected to All...I must have hope and healing and peace and light and love. Without hope, I would implode otherwise. I could not survive my own pain, or the world’s collective pain, if love was not truth, if love was not the reality.

Yesterday, a friend’s husband died from a brain tumor, leaving her and their four children behind. He was several years younger than us, and vibrant, and full of much more life to live.

Yesterday, another friend shared the painful and difficult situation she is in.

Last night, I fell asleep with tears I could not stop. This morning, when I awoke, this prayer accompanied and befriended my tears: 

From the Universe

I gather the energy of love into my hands 

Molding it into a snowball of pure white love 

Collecting more, expanding it

Packing it tighter and denser 

Intensifying the concentration of love

Healing snowflakes fall from the Heavens

Blizzarding, or gently falling, as needed

Snowflakes of courage and strength

Snowflakes of comfort and calm and serenity

Snowflakes that open and expand the ability to feel 

a soul’s continued presence with his loved ones

Snowflakes that bring peaceful knowing

that beauty is possible (and natural)

even from the ugliness of unfairness, hardship, loss

To my friends
To the families who lost their homes 
in the fire burning in the foothills 
just west of our community

To my sisters and brothers in Japan 

To Mother Earth

May the snowball of unconditional love

burst open and shower upon you 

the graces and blessings of healing

May love support and carry you

through this storm

Lighten the burden and heaviness

Illuminate the darkness

Remind you of truth

Transform you

Amen, And So It Is, Blessed Be

open to receive love

Yesterday, I drove to Denver in the middle of the day to attend a “gazing” session with a man from Croatia named Braco (pronounced ‘Braht-zo’). Braco is a channel of pure love and shares his gift by gazing upon the crowds that visit him. I had never heard of Braco until two days ago when one of my chiropractor’s told me about her powerful experience earlier that day at one of his gazing sessions. 

My brief experience with Braco reminded me of my time with another highly-evolved healer. Over Christmas 2008 when visiting family in Texas, my husband and children and I attended a “hugging” session with Amma, a woman from India known as the Hugging Saint.

For me, both events were sweet and touching, but I did not experience miraculous healing of my body, mind or spirit at either. And yet, there are others who did (for which I am grateful).

As I sit here with a frozen compress on the strained adductor/groin muscles in both my legs (yes, I am relegated to slowly and awkwardly waddling about like an elderly person!), I find that I am second-guessing myself...is there something wrong with me that I could not receive the healing grace of pure love?

I have no doubt that Braco and Amma are the real deal; two master teachers, among others on this earth plane, that have tapped into their authentic essence of love. They are role models of what we all are capable of - love journeying to pure, unconditional love. At the gathering with each of them, I was gifted with this remembering, by simply being in their awesome presence.

I also remembered that healing and growth originate from within. The miraculous is not externally given, but internally driven. It is about where I am...my intent and focus and connection...my co-creation with the Divine. 

As I reflect upon three of my direct interactions with Christ Consciousness, I realize that each experience varied greatly, depending upon my state of being. 

One was filled with awe at the glimpse of our inherent beauty and potential. And yet, I felt frustration in the recognition of my own self-imposed limitations.

A second brought me insight in to that which is real and ever-lasting as contrasted to that which is not-real and temporary. With this insight came tremendous compassion and peace.

Another brought me the experience of Oneness to All and to Everything. For three glorious days afterwards, I walked this planet in love with every person, feeling their intrinsic beauty. 

I have read stories of other’s encounters with Jesus, angels and other light beings. Reactions fall within the full range of human emotions, from fear to extraordinary transformation. 

Love does not automatically permeate us. 

We can be closed off to it, cynical of it, or fearful of and overwhelmed by its intensity and power. 

Or, if we choose, we can be open to receive love and all of its gifts.  

love to Japan

Sometimes I am at loss at how to be in this world, how to be engaged in my own life and still open to, aware, participatory in the happenings of the world beyond mine. 

It has been over two weeks since the Japan earthquake and tsunami. Although I have felt and sent many prayers of healing, light, love and peace to the Japanese and their land, this morning was the first time I have grieved their tragedy. In the interim, there has been spring break and soccer and Connor returning to college and my playing in my first soccer game and Blah Blah Blah.

Life.

I have been wrapped up in and distracted by my own life. 

This morning there were no alarms, no game to get to, no event to make. I awoke to no agenda or to-do list. And then the tears started flowing, and flowing. 

Trey asked a question or two in an attempt to determine the cause and then he settled into -

hugging me

being with me

allowing me to be me

loving me.

Forty-five minutes later, exhausted from the emotional and energetic release, yet feeling clearer and open and present, the words out of my mouth, without thought, were, “Sometime soon, can we make love for the Japanese people and their land?” 

My heart longs to envelop Japan and its people in the highest and most healing energy of all: LOVE.