grace from my Grace

Recently, it has felt like my family is in the energy of “the shit hit the fan.” When I used this descriptive expression in front of my analytical son, he questioned why anyone would throw shit at a fan! Granted, he made a valid point, but it was beside the point I was trying to make.

In one week’s time, Trey and I met with a bankruptcy attorney, Mason had is first fender bender (in Trey’s car) on the highway, Connor got a triple ticket driving back from Boulder, our garage door quit working despite three attempts by a repair man to fix it which meant that our cars were parked in unusual places and Mason backed his car into my car (so he banged up all three of our cars!), my radiator sprung a leak and had to be replaced, Mason decided to quit competing for his studio (although he plans to continue his dance training) causing friction with his studio owners and his parents, and my sister is in excruciating back pain and will have back surgery on Wednesday. Shit...is hitting the fan! What a mess!

Gracie seems to be the only one in our family with her act together. Don’t take me wrong because she is, after all, a 13 year old hormonal 8th grader who doesn’t care for her parents much anymore and who is prone to frequent unpleasant outbursts of negative dramatic emotion, but somehow her life is rocking along smoothly and successfully. Go figure.

In the solitude of my car (actually Trey’s because my radiator was kaput) over a 17 hour drive home from Chicago, I embraced Grace-like behavior. I screamed and cussed at the top of my lungs, I bawled like a baby, and I threw many temper tantrums...for hours. And then I was better. Instead of bottling up all the stress and frustration and anger and fear I felt about all of these predicaments, I expressed the deep reservoir of my emotions in the moment, releasing the negative and freeing up space in me to see the bigger picture, to gain a healthy and balanced perspective, and to find peace. Gracie is on to something. It worked! 

Although the onset of the teenage years can seem like hell, I just tasted a little bit of heaven by reverting back to my teenage-ness! I discovered grace from my Grace.

Jesus - a way to know thyself

So many things to share! Returned yesterday from a five day road trip to Chicago and back to take Connor to Northwestern for her sophomore year. Lots of food for thought. Here’s one.

On my solo 17 hour drive home, I saw a billboard that read “Jesus - the ONLY way to know God.” My impulse response, yelling out loud I should add, was “You’re f---ing crazy!” Really?!

I absolutely love Jesus. He has shown up in my life in direct, powerful, and dramatic ways. I have experienced his love, his presence, his energy, his beauty many times over. I also have vivid memories of life with him when he incarnated on Earth.  I have experienced his essence as truth and as pure love manifested on Earth. 

I have never experienced or felt him teaching, professing, or even suggesting that the ONLY way to know God is through him. Jesus was, he is, pure love consciousness. He is an ultimate example of what and who we have the potential and power and destiny to be. 

God is present in our lives each and every moment because the presence of God is within. We are foolish to believe that we need to look externally to find God, whether it be through a person, a holy text, an artifact or a religion. External manifestations are present simply to assist us on our journey of embracing the divine within, but they are not the destination. Through Jesus and the other many sages, prophets, enlightened masters, seers, gurus, saints, beings of light, we can follow their examples of self-realization and tap into the infinite reservoir of our own authentic power, love essence, and divinity!

Jesus did not come to Earth to limit our experience of God through him. Jesus came here to shine his light so that we may grasp that we have the innate capacity to shine our own. His capacity to love overwhelms me, accessing my love in return.

he completes me

Last weekend, I joined a group of ladies to see the movie “Eat Pray Love.”  The movie, which is based on Elizabeth Gilbert’s book of the same name, has led me to reflect upon my relationship with my husband Trey.

I need Trey. There was a time, early in our relationship, that I needed him for the “wrong” reasons…my insecurity and perceived lack of power. Then I grew and evolved and self-discovered and came to the idea that I must relinquish any and all need for him to prove my emotional health. I believed that I must be able to be independent and autonomous. That is a little difficult to totally achieve when you are happily married, but to some extent I did achieve it. I reached a point in our relationship and in my life in which I knew without a doubt that I could be okay without him. More importantly, I knew that I was “me” whether with him, or without him. For me, it was a journey of discovering that I love myself, deeply in fact. I held the belief that though I did not need Trey to be healthy and to be me, life was far richer and juicier and more joyous sharing it with him. 

And now, I find myself back to the knowing that I need Trey. I need my beloved to fully experience myself. I need his touch to keep my body aware and responsive. I need the space he creates while we lie in bed, his arms around me, his heart open and nonjudgmental, and his willingness to just be present with me…for me to release and shed through words or tears or both the sadness of the world that I tend to absorb. I need him like he is my counterpart, the yang of my yin, the completion of me, the perfect complement and balance to wholeness. At one time, it felt as though his profound love for me was the soil, the nourishment, for my own blooming, but now it feels as though energetically, spiritually, and in essence we are one and the same; he is me and I am him. In this new and different way from our early relationship, I need him.

life is like a bruised peach

In Colorado, the harvest of sweet Palisade peaches and succulent ears of Olathe corn alludes to the end of the long hot days of summer and the debut of autumn. It also means that for the brief time while the “gettin’ is good,” we overindulge on the good! Delectable, sweet juices dripping down our faces extravagance!

Scrambling out the door for a morning appointment, I grabbed a peach for a breakfast on the run. Settled into my drive and ready to eat, I noticed a dark mushy bruise on a portion of the fruit. In that moment, I clearly saw that I held two opposing perspectives on how to deal with the situation. Part of me believed that the whole fruit was ruined by the bruise and that I should discard the whole thing. But there was another voice in me acknowledging that there was still a significant part of the fruit that was good. I opted to enjoy and savor the good part. 

Life is like a bruised peach. 

Life is sweet and juicy and delicious, and it is also fragile and delicate. When struggles arise, we feel bruised and injured. When those struggles are significant, sometimes we are overwhelmed by fear or sadness or suffering or depression and unable to see that there is still beauty and goodness in our lives. Our struggles can lead us to believe that the entirety of our life is bad.

About two and half years ago, my husband bought a land surveying company as an investment. Just a few months after his purchase, the bottom fell out of the construction and land development industry. Through much hardship and personal financial sacrifice (and stress!), Trey has been able to keep the company afloat in hopes that the economy would upswing again. It hasn’t. We are now faced with possible bankruptcy. In some moments, I am overcome with fear of the unknown. I find myself easily agitated and my mind obsessing on gloomy “what ifs.” I’m scared.

This is an opportune time for me to embrace the idea that life is like a bruised peach. If I am willing, which I am, I can focus on and hold onto the many blessings in my life. I have tremendous love and support in my life through my family and my friends. I am healthy and my family is healthy. Trey is a wonderful attorney and over time he will be able to rebuild our financial state. Sure, the prospect of bankruptcy is an ugly distasteful bruise, but it is just one aspect of our lives. We are rich in the ways that matter most to me, and to us. I intend to savor the sweetness that completes the reality of our lives.

postcard pandemonium

Recently, in a bundle of advertisements rubberbanded to our front door knob, I noticed a postcard from a local church with the headline “God’s Free Plan of Salvation.” Intrigued, I perused further. As I read the five bullet points, with Bible references, I could almost hear Morgan Freeman’s booming godly voice (from “Bruce Almighty”) adding emphasis to each statement:

All have sinned.

There is a penalty for sin.

You cannot save yourself.

Salvation has been provided.

The conditions are simple.

Frustration and a little anger surfaced. I admit that I was bummed at the limiting and fear-based views expressed by this church, but I was also bummed with myself for allowing them to trigger judgmental emotions in me. I shared the postcard with Trey. At least we had a good chuckle at the realization of how far our belief system has evolved from the “hell and damnation”  ideology.

I cannot (and will not) argue the Bible. What I do have to share though is that my connection and experiences with Spirit testify to the reality that God is love and so are we. Since my awakening, I have also read many books on spirituality and the soul’s evolution, and I have discovered that my learnings from Spirit are always consistent with the teachings of these books. For me, my connection with Source/Spirit has profoundly broadened my way of thinking, and my way of being, to the extent that the ideas of “sin” and of penalty/punishment and of being “saved” no longer are relevant.

So how is it that many people believe that we are sinners, that as sinners we are condemned to hell and that we are powerless beings, and then for others like myself, none of these viewpoints hold any truth? 

Deepak Chopra in his book, How to Know God, shares that there are seven levels of consciousness. Belief in a punishing God is the lowest level of spiritual evolution. Chopra speaks to the concepts that we are co-creators with God in our lives and that God will meet you where you are. I come back to these concepts often because they straightforwardly explain how humankind’s experience of God is so vastly divergent. They help me to release judgment of others and to allow others to be exactly where they are. If you believe in sin and punishment, and in a vengeful God, then your life experiences will validate those beliefs. God will meet you where you are.

I also found the Conversations with God series by Neale Donald Walsch immensely helpful in explaining broader spiritual principles. I remember reading a passage about Hitler, and God informing Walsch that Hitler did not go to hell. Even though my guides had spoken to me about the idea that sin is not a real concept in the infinite light realm, I still found it difficult to grasp that a soul as menacing as Hitler was not being punished by God. That passage was a slap-me-in-the-face type of “aha” moment.  Even though I heard and understood the teachings from Jesus, my guides and my angels, it was clear that some of my beliefs were/are still so ingrained that I it would take work and willingness and openness on my part to truly shift them and embrace a different possibility and reality.

We have free will to be whomever and whatever we choose to be. Our journey through the many lifetimes we experience on this planet - the Earth school - is to evolve to greater love. As my guides and angels instructed, sin is not an offense or transgression or evil, but simply a choice away from love. In each of the many lives we live, we will make choices away from love and towards love. That is how we learn and grow and define ourselves. That is how we evolve. We always have the opportunity for a higher choice. If we believe in hell, if we believe we are powerless, if we deny our essence as love and as Divine, then we will create and manifest those experiences here and when we return home to the light realm. Thank God though that unconditional love - God, Source, Creator, I Am  - is incapable of judging that choice or any other of our choices as we journey through the different stages of evolution.

two different persons?

Today, Connor, my older daughter, engaged me in a conversation about death. Death was on her mind because the former step-father of a close friend recently committed suicide. We talked about whether the essence of a soul continues through lifetimes in tack or whether it merges with collective consciousness and then splits from the collective as a totally new soul to transition into a new life in this realm. We talked about  past life relationships that we are aware of between the members of our family. Our conversation was comfortable and natural as if we were talking about the weather.  And then at the end of our conversation, she made a comment that stuck with me. She said that I am like two different people to her: with our family I confidently share my spirituality, my experiences and communications with Spirit, my learning and my wisdom, but outside of our family, I don’t. She told me that the way I present myself to the world and live in this world is as if I am afraid of my own power. 

Ouch! And yet, I know she is right. I don’t know why I continue to validate my ego’s list of excuses and defenses that keep me from sharing myself fully. My ego loves an audience so entertain me for a moment as I express the drama of some of my fears!

-I was 35 years old when I had my “awakening” experience in which I left my body and went to the light realm and stood before Christ Consciousness. I also began to communicate directly with my guides and with my deceased brother Craig, and I was able to “see” through my third eye. Yes, this was all beyond amazing, but I had spent my entire life within the confines of organized religion and I didn’t have any foundation or mentors for guidance on how to weave these new experiences and broader understandings into my day to day life or into my relationships with those outside my family. 

-Though I can be strong and stubborn and opinionated at times (usually alcohol induced!), my personality is soft and gentle and reserved and and conflict-averse and private. It is not in me to be pushy and I have no desire to convince or persuade anyone into my beliefs.

-I have past life memories of persecution for sharing my intuitive/psychic gifts and wisdom.

-People will just think I am crazy. People will be afraid of me. People will think that I am a cohort with the devil (a few friends and family actually said so at first!).

I long to live and express myself authentically in this world, the way I do in the safety of my home with my husband and children. This blog is a step in the right direction, but I acknowledge it is a baby step because it is an indirect faceless interaction/sharing and I still find myself refraining from sharing some things in fear that they will be perceived as too out there.

I have lived my life focused on personal growth and improvement and, since my awakening, higher consciousness and evolution, that is, becoming, embracing, being greater love. Connor’s constructive criticism today helped me to see that I have created my home and family as my safe isolated “monastery” or “ashram.” A big part of my journey now is to walk out my front door with my monk robe still on! 

a death and a birth

Life is fascinating to me. The breadth and diversity of my emotional and spiritual travels over relatively short periods of time can be dizzying. I have been home for two days now from my trip to Texas for my biological father’s funeral. I have been processing both consciously and subconsciously through talks with Trey, journaling, energy work with two of my alternative health care providers, and through my dreams. The fogginess in my mind and body is starting to clear and I am elated by the state of calm and authenticity/wholeness and gratitude that I find myself in.

Over the years, I often wondered how I would react to Jerry’s death and his funeral. Would I even go to his funeral? I assumed that I would because I “needed” to be there for my brother and sister. Would I be angry? Shut down or guarded? On the defensive about my decision years ago to cut him out of my life? Might I even be sad? 

Jerry died in Bogata, Columbia and it took a week to return his body back to Texas. That time allowed me to sit with my feelings and gain clarity on what action on my part would serve my highest good. The first gift I gave myself was the possibility of not attending his funeral, without judging myself or feeling guilt. Ultimately, I decided to attend his funeral for me and not out of any superficial sense of obligation to my siblings. I set my intent on simply being present (in the now in each moment) and released all expectations, agendas, and burdens. Maybe I would experience a sense of closure, or maybe not. Maybe I would learn some positive things about Jerry and broaden my understanding of him, or maybe not.

The second gift I gave myself was asking my angels to energetically protect me from Jerry. Life to life...though his body has died, his life force lives on. I literally can feel and visualize my angels completely surrounding me with their wings spread and each holding a sword of light. Nothing less than love can break through their wall of protection. 

When I saw Jerry’s body, the anger and disgust that I anticipated might surface were not there. Nor sadness. Nor fear. Instead, my heart was full of prayers for healing for his soul and for healing of the many souls he abused in this life.

The minister was wonderful. He spoke of the imperfection of mankind, and acknowledged that Jerry brought both good and bad to this world, as have every one of us, and that Jesus modeled forgiveness. I appreciated the fact that he did not glorify Jerry’s life or ignore the pain and hardships that Jerry brought upon his wives and children, but instead was honest about the reality of Jerry’s life and at the same time engendered compassion and forgiveness. 

After the service, I spent the rest of the day with my sister Michelle and with two half siblings I barely knew before that day. That time with them was an incredible gift. We spent several hours at a yummy Mexican restaurant, drinking margaritas, getting to know each other better, and laughing hysterically at the craziness of the stories we shared of our lives with Jerry. Though not intentional, we drank until we were wasted, which we all found hilarious and fitting considering Jerry was a drunk! (Somehow we ended up at Michelle’s house swimming in our funeral attire!) I must have needed the release the alcohol afforded me because at one point I found myself sobbing uncontrollably from the core of my being...like a volcanic eruption of pain and suffering and sadness. And then I was done. (Isn't it ironic that it took much toxic beverage to uncap the toxic emotions that I had buried so deep for so long?! BTW, I still love margaritas!)

There’s been a shift in me. I’m at peace in this moment. I feel more spacious and lighter. I feel like I am manifesting more of who I am than I have ever allowed myself to be. It is like I am finally merging all of the parts of me that I fragmented in my childhood in order to emotionally, physically and spiritually survive and thrive. I went to Jerry’s funeral for myself, with presence, and with an open heart to God’s healing graces. I came home having discovered more of my authentic self.

he's dead

Received news this morning that Jerry, my biological father, died yesterday of a heart attack. Not sure where I am or what I am feeling about his death. I’ve spent a significant amount of my lifetime healing from the first 10 years of my life with him. Maybe with his death, the monsters he created in my life will die as well. Sadly, my life is only one of many that he abused and utterly screwed with. Hoping to move beyond the remnants of anger and disgust that surface when I think of him and to discover compassion for his tortured soul. 

a few hours of hell

Unusual morning. Received a call from the study abroad program (ISA) at about 10am asking if we have heard from Connor recently. We haven’t. They informed me that she traveled this last weekend with other kids from the program and didn’t return with them on Sunday night. She wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to travel on the bus for 4 hours back to San Jose. However, she did not show up for classes today (Tuesday) and she has not contacted anyone by phone or internet. When they called the hotel, they were informed that Connor checked out yesterday (Monday) morning and she did not leave any forwarding information. 

Oh my God! This did not sound good at all. 

Three stressful hours later, ISA called us to say that Connor had called their office, she was safe but not feeling well, and that she was catching a bus back to San Jose this evening. Thank God. I then allowed myself to break down and sob.

I feel the need to vent and release the emotional and physical trauma of this day so that it doesn’t get stuck in my body and energy. Please excuse my rambling.

When I hung up from the notification call, I immediately went into a quasi-shock. It felt like my body and mind went numb or closed down or went into lock down. I didn’t cry or panic. Everything felt fuzzy. My mind went blank and I had to decide to think. Went downstairs to tell Trey that Connor was MIA. Then we both were in shock. We discussed different scenarios and possibilities from the best to the worst. Really hoping that she was just rude and inconsiderate by not letting host family and program know where she was. Called credit card company to see if any charges since checking out of hotel. Yes! There was a charge at 4:30pm yesterday in the same town. Called program to let them know. They were in the process of calling every hotel in the town, the police, the hospital, the American Embassy.... Really hoping I would have the opportunity to be angry at her because of her poor decision making. 

Gathered Grace, Mason, and Trey and the four of us sat in a circle holding hands. We first released any and all negative feelings that we were feeling towards Connor, like judgment, frustration and anger, and then visualized our individual and collective light connecting and communicating with her. None of us sensed that anything bad had happened to her. Mason strongly felt that she was sick and hanging out till she felt better. We instructed her, while also visualizing, to call the program or her host family. My repetitive mantra to her was “call ISA.” We asked God/Spirit for helpful and safe people to surround her. 

When we were done, Grace asked, “Mom, why don’t you just talk to God?” I told her that we all can talk to God and that is what we were just doing. I also told her that when I am emotionally involved, I am not as clear on what I receive. The flip side of being emotionally attached though, which I didn’t share, is that my ability to connect, to focus and direct my power, and to visualize into reality, are all amazingly powerful because my feelings are deep, intense and authentic.

We decided not to project ahead with various “what if’s,” like “What if we don’t hear from Connor by the end of the day?” because we realized that we would end up suffering the possibilities. Each of us tried to proceed with our day like normal. When I found my mind drifting to the tragic possibilities, I stopped thinking. Trey described it well when he said that he felt like he was hanging out above himself to keep from thinking about the worst case scenario. I was hanging out up there too just watching myself go through the motions. The one thought I’d get stuck on though was that I had blogged yesterday about death and while writing it was wondering why death was on my mind.

Pure relief when we got the call that Connor had contacted ISA. I went out into our front yard, kneeled in the grass and bawled until there were no more tears. Relief and gratitude. 

Grace doesn’t believe that our family circle played any part in Connor calling the program. To her, it was coincidence because she believes Connor would have called anyway. Maybe a seed has been planted for Gracie to recognize the possibilities and her power...? When I gathered our family, I wan’t thinking “teaching tool for Gracie.” My heart simply understood that we each deeply love Connor and that the power of prayer and creation is magnified in numbers. 

I love my older daughter with all of my being. She put our family, her host family and ISA through hell today though.

life goes on

I don’t think about death or dying often.  And then, maybe upon hearing a tragic story or even sometimes out of nowhere it seems, the reality of death will tightly grip onto my mind and consciousness and unsettle me. I am overcome with fascination with the fragility of life and how in a mere “moment”...of poor choice or of randomness/accident...a human life can be stripped away from us and our world, our existence, is dramatically changed.

A couple of days ago, Gracie and her friends were looking at my wedding pictures and giggling at how much Trey and I and our relatives have “changed,” their euphemism for “aged!” When Grace came upon a picture of Trey with my three brothers, she asked who two of the three guys were. I told her that they were my brothers and explained that one died from an epileptic seizure several years before she was born and that the other committed suicide when she was a baby. After a few seconds of silence, Grace and her friends responded with a sincere, “How sad,” and then turned the album page and resumed with their giggling.

If my life over the last 20 years since my first brother’s death were condensed, it would look very similar to Grace and her friends’ response to death...acknowledgement of sadness and grief and then turning the page and moving on with life. Life goes on.

Recently, I have observed myself living my life as if I have half a lifetime left to live. I am operating under the tenuous assumption that there is plenty of time remaining to do all of the things I wish to do in and with this life of mine. For a year or longer after each of my brother’s deaths, and after my good friend Erin’s, I was incapable of living from that assumption. Those periods of loss and mourning were filled with heartache and time slowed down, with the falling away of the inconsequential, and with the keen awareness that life could end at any moment. (Those time were also filled with healing and the witnessing of God at work in my life, and with gratitude for each day.) With time and distance, I have not lost my gratitude for life, but I have lost some of the sense of urgency, or maybe presence, embraced by the philosophy of seizing the day, a lesson forced upon me in the wake of my loved ones’ deaths. 

I think for the most part that I possess a core peace with death. To me, birth and death are simply nouns that describe the cycle of life of the body, of form. The body returns to dust, but our life force transitions from one realm to another, as it/we have done seemingly countless times before...and to come. Not dust to dust, but rather life to life. Life goes on.

So maybe the next time the concept of death clings to me, accelerates my pulse, and entertains the idea of fear and loss, I will seize the opportunity to connect with my knowing and peace, and to reinforce the profound lessons learned from the life transitions of my three loved ones. Live my life with the awareness that it is delicate, but not in fear of death. Live this life with purpose and presence each and every day. Seize the opportunity in each day to heal, to share myself with the world, to receive the gifts of life, and to love others, this planet and myself deeply.  

I am blessed to have had communications with my brothers and Erin from the other side. Life goes on...more beautifully than we can imagine.

finding himself in NYC

Back 3 days now from NYC. My tummy is still full from all the wonderful eating and drinking there!

Many friends and family are asking how Mason and his studio (Artistic Fusion, aka, AF) performed at Nationals. “Incredible” is the answer! AF dances scored the highest in 5 out of 6 categories, with a 2nd place finish in the 6th. This year we were fortunate to have an amazing line up of choreographers: Tony Testa, Travis Wall, Joey Dowling, Sonya Tayeh, Chonique and Lisette, and our very own Julie Jarnot! Tony Testa’s dance won overall. It is so amazing that it made my mother-in-law cry! Mason made the Top 10 of the senior male dancers and his duet came in 5th place overall. 

Even more impressive from my perspective were Mason’s accomplishments that weren’t apparent on a score card. Typically, Mason motivates himself by stepping into competition mode. This time he desired to create a different and healthier experience for himself. His goals were to be present and to be himself during the entire 10 day event. 

I’d like to share some of the “aha’s” he shared with me:

My conversations and interactions with other dancers, with faculty and with parents were all genuine and real. I really enjoyed them.

In the past right before performing a dance, I would think about the dance as a whole and step into a certain character or performance mode for the dance and then dance it as a unit in that one frame of mind. This time I was present during each moment of the dance and made choices in each moment of what I wanted to bring to the dance. It literally felt like the dances slowed down and that I had many options to pick from in each moment. It was amazing! I hope I can be present like that again.

I have more energy and my body feels healthier than I have ever experienced at a convention/competition. I can see from past experience how being stressed is a huge energy drain.

This momma is so proud...and so grateful.

Mason even passed on two opportunities for scholarships to performing arts schools in the NY area, even though he was likely to receive some amount of scholarship (and they probably would have helped him place higher within the senior male dancers). After some discussion, we both acknowledged that his passion is to dance in LA in the commercial dance world rather than in NYC for a company. Rather than confusing himself and the Universe, Mason is now streamlining his choices in order to create a desired path and future.

In The City That Never Sleeps, among millions of people, in an intense national competitive environment, my son found himself.

what we learned when the flu threw a bug in our plans

Mason and I are in NYC for our studio’s nationals. Lessons and learning opportunities abound in this environment for the both of us. 

For me, I am learning how to possess expectations, but without attachment to outcome. Typically, I find this a difficult task and tend to set aside my expectations in order to detach from the outcome. I recognize that letting go of hopes and expectations can lead me to a place of indifference, and to lack of care and motivation. I desire to still strive and hope for greatness, whether my own or my child’s, and to not personalize or suffer a lesser outcome. 

Mason’s flu the week preceding nationals threw a huge wrench in our/my expectations of preparing for this big event. He is “competing” for the national championship title and was unable to complete (not to mention perform and clean) his solo before arriving in NY. Although he was able to finish his solo the night before competition, he had not yet regained his strength when he performed his dance. I am incredibly proud of his mental and physical perseverance. Even when he is not at the “top of his game,” he is still a captivating dancer. I continue to hold high hopes for his performance throughout these 9 days of nationals, but my overriding emotion is gratitude for his ability to participate and for the many opportunities to witness his creative gift. 

For Mason, he is presented with even greater learning opportunities. He has competed in the dance arena for 5 years now, with great success. I think it is easy to slip into a mindset of competition with all of the awards and attention he has received. With only a year left until he goes off to college and out into the professional dance world, he is beginning to recognize that nationals can be so much more than about competition and another title. Being so sick opened the door to some new perspectives. The biggest opportunity is for him simply to be who he is as a dancer, and not to strive to be what we think this nationals is looking for in their champion! He also gets to dance with other amazing dancers from around the country, which makes him a better dancer. It is likely that many of these dancers he will meet again during his career, giving him an even broader friendship base. And the strengthening of his relationships with the choreographers is invaluable. 

With the shift in perspective to be present for these 9 days as who he is and where he is, rather than as a “competitor,” the whole vibe of the experience has changed. Now Mason is performing to the best of his ability as he regains his strength, and not fretting over the things outside of his control. Instead of these nationals feeling stressful and heavy, they feel simpler and lighter now...for the both of us.

Costa Rica

Connor is in Costa Rica for 6 weeks participating in an exchange program. Thought I would share this update about her experience there. Just FYI, Michelle is another exchange student in the same home and Roda is the mom of the family. Connor's letter makes me long to return....

Hey American family!

 

I´m really sorry this is the first time I´ve taken to sit down and write a legit update about what´s been going on... I´m both very busy--there are sooooo many opportunities here!!-- and I often feel overwhelmed when I try to put everything I´m experiencing into words, and especially English words...

 

I´m extremely proud to say I´m solidly proficient at Spanish. Most of the people who talk to me are extremely complementary and helpful. They realize I get the structure of the language and that my brain is like a sponge. The majority of the Ticos are excited to help me on my spanish journey and supplement my vocabulary with new words and phrazes. My accent isn´t perfect, but my pronunciation isn´t wrong... just strange. I really can´t believe I didn´t do this earlier.... Spanish is completely different for me now! It´s not some confusing and foreign domain, it´s mine now too. I feel like I have a Spanish speaking personality that is very very positive, partially because most of the words I know are positive haha.

 

To paint you a picture of my life, let me begin with my family and casa. My family is totally Tico, but they are Arabic in origin. Everyone is incredibly accomodating, open, and loving. The daughters lie all over the mom and the family is pretty much always together, it´s very different than the average American family, where meals unite the family temporarily....

 

My bedroom is less than half the size of my dorm room... but I LOVE it. I don´t need more space here. The simplicity of life here, as well as the more relaxed pace, totally resonates for me and I love fully embracing it. The living situations are both comfortable and accessible by bus and taxi... Roda is an AWESOME cook, the girls are just great people and help us learn how to make jokes and stuff, and abuelito is consisent comic relief (I´m going to send you this picture of Michelle and I with him, SOOOOOOO FUNNY. You´ll be able to see his personality in a nutshell). Plus, all of the extended family and friends of Roda are obviously really kind and chill too.... PURA VIDA makes so much sense here/now.

 

A few interesting differences: extended family members who aren´t blood relatives aren´t integrated into the family the same way that they are in the States... Like Kelly would be Kelly and we would treat her nicely, like they treat everyone here, but by no means would I be expected to call her aunt or think of her as my family. Plus, when you enter or leave a room, you kiss every single person on the cheek. I really appreciate how it makes everyone feel significant... it just makes me wonder if junior high is easier here?? haha Also, there aren´t addresses here. Locations are expressed relative to other locations, which is extremely inconvenient if you don´t have a solid spatial orientation of the land.... And no one has their own mailbox by their house, they have to go into the city and get their mail from p.o. boxes.

 

Anyway, I take the bus to and from school, which is super convenient and easy. Roda loves how Michelle and I are interested in interacting with them and participating in their family, but she also is very proud of how independent we are. She says there are many girls who won´t go out unless she finds one of her boy Tico friends to take them... Obviously I don´t go out alone, I go with Michelle and we usually meet other people out, but I´m glad that Roda likes that we want to move around this space confidently. You need to know I´m being very cautious, alwayssss aware and proactive, but at the same time, I haven´t felt paranoid or actually endangered at all.

 

ULACIT is pretty small. It´s a private university that´s super big on English and there are a tonnnnn of students studying to be dentists. I´ve made a bunch of friends that take me to cool places in the city or give me tips about things to do or my speech. Most of the days, I go into el centro, which is an approx. 7 min walk from ULACIT, and get lunch at a Soda, which is the word for a little, local cuisine restaurant. They´re well priced and you get huge portions!

 

So this last weekend, we went to Tamarindo. WOW. The only word to really describe that place is PARADISE. En serio. For example, I was sitting on my balcony outside my hotel room, meditating and watching the world. Across the pool, there were these two huuuuge yellow butterflies fluttering and playing with each other... I was amazed. They were so big I actually spent 5 minutes trying to discern if they were really butterflies or actually birds....

 

Friday night we got there after dark, so we went to dinner and a lot of the kids went to a bar/club. I opted to go swimming. BEST IDEA. About 30 min into our swim, it started pouring.... never have I experience tropical rain like that!!! So refreshing and crazy... so charged with energy... I couldn´t help but laugh and marvel at it all. Seriously, my brain has to chew on this place. It barely believes it´s true.

 

Saturday morning we got up at 5:30 to go on a mangrove tour. It rained most of the day and was overcast all day, but it wasn´t too big of a deal to me since I didnt pay for any of the extra tours. I spent the day meditating, relaxing in the ocean and the pool, watching soccer in a bar, and chilling with the surf instructors of one of the americans.... That kid and I spent the evening with the surfers, playing pool, drinking and dancing... It was magical. They are so chill I just can´t really say anything more than Pura Vida for you guys since you wouldn´t understand the spanish and the english doesnt sound right.... i just really like how the energies of the people and the language here mix and meld.

 

Sunday, I had the most delicious smoothie of my life. It had fresh pineapple, passionfruit and mango.... GAHHHHH. Wish you could try it too.

 

Classes are awesome, although it´s kinda strange because I feel like I´m the best student, especially because I´m the only one from the San José group who actually talks to Ticos every day and really really tries to learn and better myself.... I don´t really get how they are here and they don´t want to put themselves out there, but at the same time I see it´s scary. I´m just really grateful that I´m confident enough to just fake it til I make it because I´m deffff already making it. It´s gratifying.

 

That´s a pretty solid summary of what´s been going on, but if you have any specific questions, please ask!! Hope you can sense how happy and grateful I am.

 

Bueno, con amorrrrrr

C

in the dark

I’m struggling right now. Grace was in pain most of this last week after breaking her arm last Sunday and Mason is on day 5 of the flu. It was hard enough for him to miss the LA audition that we had already bought flights for and now we are leaving in two days for a week and a half of dance Nationals in NYC and he is still feverish and very weak. His solo isn’t finished and he’s scheduled to perform it on Wednesday. The majority of this dance year has been focused on Nationals and now they feel at risk. Major bummer.

Grace’s concussion and broken arm and Mason’s flu all trigger fear in me. I think it is natural for a mother to desire health and wellness for her children, but I see in myself the unhealthy tendency of taking on their injuries and illness as my responsibility...both for their occurrence in the first place and also to fix and resolve. I am driven to control what is out of my control. I feel helpless and lost, and I feel powerless, alone and scared.

I know that I have the opportunity in these situations to break the dysfunctional patterns and beliefs that I established as a kid growing up in a volatile environment with an alcoholic father. As a child, my safety literally was contingent on my micro-managing my father’s moods. And when I wasn’t successful in preventing his abuse, I believed it was my fault and that I should have done better somehow.

In this moment, I feel the familiar desperation of needing to do better somehow. 

Fear is a dark place. It is seductive in its ability to convince me that I am without authentic power and that I have been abandoned by Spirit. It twists and contorts my knowing of peace and centeredness into a chaotic state of confusion and blame and guilt. Being in fear sucks.

I know that my fear not only hurts me, but it ripples down to my children. I wish that I was wiser and more enlightened in this moment, that is, that I was “above and beyond” fear. I wish that I could see the path out of this dark space. 

bam! bam!

Well, I just took an unplanned almost 3 week break from blogging. I miss it! Connor came home from college for 3 days and then headed to Costa Rica for a 5 week exchange program and then a week of traveling. Family came into town to see Mason’s end of the year performance. (He and I are headed to LA for an audition on Friday and then to NYC with his studio for Nationals for 2 weeks.) My father was here for Father’s Day, which was a treat. And Gracie returned to sports last week after two weeks off from a mild concussion and then broke her arm on Sunday!

Bam! Bam! Two significant injuries during soccer games over a short period of time clearly indicating to the both of us that it is important for her to look at her feelings and beliefs around soccer to see how she is playing a part in creating/attracting injury to herself right now. We pulled out Louise Hay’s book Heal Your Body A-Z The Mental Causes for Physical Illness and the Way to Overcome Them, as well as Inna Segal’s book The Secret Language of Your Body The Essential Guide to Healing. I love, love, love these two books and often refer to them when either I or a family member is sick or injured. These books are a valuable reminder to me that my health is not solely impacted by the external, but is also compromised by negativity in my beliefs, thinking, and feelings about myself.

Grace and I had a meaningful discussion and sharing that was long overdue, culminating in a beneficial emotional release by her. The silver lining is that she has an opportunity for self-discovery and growth. Forced slowdown is not so bad either!

Hoping to have free internet in my hotel rooms over the next few weeks so that I can get back into the writing flow. Love to all. 

thank you God for the gift of nature

Although it is finally summer here in Fort Collins, just a short drive away into the foothills and mountains, it is still spring. Sometimes when I hike in the mountains, the scenery seems too perfect to be real. Today was one of those days. Sigh.

The hillsides are vibrant in their varying shades of green - grasses and bushes, evergreens and aspens, and countless other trees and plants. Wildflowers add sprinklings and splashes of yellow, pink, purple and white. Today, penny-sized moths with fluorescent indigo wings fluttered along the path. At times, a simple footstep would arouse a burst of bluish-purple shooting stars. The vibratory flight of hummingbirds and the roar of the river active from the snow melt entertained my ears.

My mind struggled to comprehend that this paradise was not a “Magical Kingdom” fabricated by Disney, but instead real and natural in its own creation. The beauty was so intense and profound that I simply desired to melt into it. 

Thank you God for the gift of nature.

what if?

It’s 7am. We’re eating breakfast in a crowded hotel restaurant. 

Through the window, clear blue skies reveal a beautiful Colorado morning.

A big screen TV blares news of the previous day.  

Sleepy faces stare blankly at the reporter.

Ears attune to stories of murder, sexual assault and a deadly bus crash.

Eyes glaze over. Emotions numb. Life force seeps from people in the room.

With the gift of a new beginning offered by each day, is this really what we choose to expose ourselves to?

In that moment, I am struck by the absurdity of our common morning rituals.

What if...we simply turned off the TV (or set aside the newspaper for later in the day)?

Would I experience the stranger at the table next to me more deeply?

Within us, we possess the resources to bring resolution, harmony and peace to the stress, hardships and struggles in our personal lives.

What if...we allowed our bodies, our minds, our spirits to naturally and peacefully shed their drowsy robes, instead of bombarding and fatiguing our senses with sadness, negativity and overwhelm?

What if...we consciously chose to to start each day with rituals that boost our own inherent power, wisdom and beauty?

Messages of hope. 

Meditation. 

Stories and affirmations of the goodness of humankind. 

Reminders that each day is beaming with the possibility of healing and of creating magnificent lives. 

Centering. Presence.

Freely flowing breath.

Connection with nature. 

Beautiful instrumental music softly and subtly surrounding us. 

Faith in unlimited possibilities, that is, miracles.

Rituals that open us up to living, rather than leading us to shut down and barricade our beingness and awareness in order to protect ourselves.

What if?

What if...we could literally see the energy created by our choices?

I did on this morning. 

a heads up to energy-sensitive folks

For all of you energy-sensitive folks out there, and for those of you who are feeling “out of sorts” for no apparent reason, I recently learned that there is a powerful influx of energy entering the earth right now, which started about a week ago and will last (at least) through the end of this month. 

I haven’t been sleeping well this last week, I feel anxious and am finding it difficult to focus. I was pleased to learn that these symptoms are not about my physical or emotional health, but rather about my sensitivity to the shift in the earth’s energy. Other common symptoms that may be experienced are irritability, depression, headaches and fatigue.

An intuitive friend shared that it is important to take time each day to center and ground ourselves, otherwise we run the risk of overloading or blowing out our energy systems. Also, when we center ourselves, we expand on our own ability to process this energy influx, assisting shifts within ourselves. With awareness, we have the opportunity to use the earth’s energetic shift to aid us in areas where we personally would like to make positive change. 

marginalization of the feminine

In many cultures of the past, and even in some cultures today, females have been deemed less valuable and important than males. The degradation of females has manifested in countless ways and forms: females have been considered property rather than human; we have been abducted and sold into sex trafficking businesses; we have been forbidden to participate in religion, education and the workplace; we have been persecuted for our sexuality while men have had few boundaries with theirs....  Men have used their physical power to usurp power over females in all areas, creating societies of male domination.

I have an empowered life, a life where my femininity is valued equally to the masculine. I have been equally educated. I have worked equally in the workplace. My husband values my unique perspective and gifts and contributions to our relationship. I have lived a life of balance. Although the efforts of enlightened men and women over the last hundred years have created laws in our country that have given me equal rights and privileges to males, I was fortunate enough to be born at a time when this equality has felt inherent, normal and natural. 

We know God to be everything, all-encompassing, yet our Judeo-Christian culture personifies God as male. I believe that the growth in goddess-focused spirituality is the counterbalancing of the conceptualized masculine God, just like the feminist movement of the 60‘s and the 70‘s was counterbalancing to our society’s imbalance favoring males.

Balance and harmony are natural spiritual laws and principles. This is true for our external world and experience, as well as our internal state of being. The Chinese yin yang symbol is a perfect illustration of balance. The white half contains a seed of the black, the black half contains a seed of the white, and each half fits, complements and moves perfectly with the other to create balance and wholeness.Yin and yang aspects are present in everything in the natural world, although either the yin or yang element may manifest more strongly in different objects, or at different times. Likewise, every soul is comprised of both masculine and feminine energies, as is Source/God.

Probably because I am female, I find it difficult to grasp the historical motivation of men to lessen females, so I asked my husband about his thoughts on this. Trey’s personal perspective is that the drive to exert power over females is created by the tendency of males to solely live from and express their masculine energy, and to ignore and deny their feminine energy, creating an imbalance of energies within many males. 

This makes sense to me. These seemingly polar forces are in reality interconnected and interdependent. The suppression or denial of either energy creates disharmony and imbalance within, and without. Oppression seems a natural consequence of suppressed feminine energy.

I am blessed to spend my life with a man who balances his dominant masculine energy by merging with, rather than splitting from, his gentler feminine energy, and it is a joy to raise a son who understands that true empowerment comes with honoring both energies of Self. 

can we dialogue about our sexuality?

This last week in a nearby community, the body of a 12 year old girl missing since March was discovered in a ditch. Her name is Kayleah. A day or two later, an 18 year old male was arrested for having had sex with Kayleah, a 6th grader. (The male was not arrested for her murder, and I am not making an assumption or judgment that he is the murderer.)

Call me naive, or maybe comfortable with denial, but until this tragedy, it never dawned on me that most abductions and murders of females are about sexual predation. I assumed that “murderers” are motivated by a deviated propensity to commit murder, rather than by an addiction to exploitative sex. It is not difficult to see how the radically aggressive and violent energy of these sexual crimes could lead to and end with murder, whether or not it was the original intent of the predator.

These types of horrific scenarios have occurred for generations, throughout history. In the not too distant past, it was easier for the predator to get away with it. Now with DNA testing and other forensic advancements, it is much more likely that the offender will be caught, but sexually-motivated crimes continue anyway.

I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or sex therapist, yet I feel driven to encourage discussion in our society about sexuality. It is the responsibility of parents to mirror and teach healthy sexual identities, relationships and expression to our children. One of the problems is that we adults have not been taught those things ourselves, making it more more difficult to enlighten our children. However, many of us, including myself, have been active sexually for generally as long as we have been driving. We each have experienced our own journey on the sexual path, and most of us know the difference between healthy, functional sexuality and unhealthy, dysfunctional sexuality. We have experiences, we have understanding and knowledge, and we have wisdom to share. 

The sexual revolution helped bring sexuality out of the darkness and into the light, but further strides are necessary. Addiction to pornography is pervasive, sex trafficking continues, and statistics indicate that in our country 1 in 4 females, and 1 in 6 males, are sexually abused before the age of 18. To me, the interconnection between dysfunctional sexuality with crime, abuse and oppression is mind-boggling and overwhelming. Societally, it is clear that we are still missing the boat.

There is a wide spectrum of sexual abuse. And although women also can be sexually abusive, the stronger male sexual drive translates into the majority of abusers being male. Our fathers and brothers and sons are not born with a defective gene causing them to manipulate sexual power over another. Rather, they, and we females, are born into a world that I believe is grossly immature and unenlightened in its understanding of sexual energy.

We require our youth to educate their minds so that they can eventually go out into the world and be productive members of society. Where and how are our youth and teenagers being educated about their innate sexual drive and expression so that they can go out into the world and create healthy sexual relationships? What are we choosing to create with our reluctance to acknowledge our sexuality much beyond the uncomfortable “birds and the bees” discussion, or beyond our clinical advice of “abstain” or “practice safe sex?” Honestly, our blindness in this area is illogical and startling, and potentially dangerous. 

Change can take lifetimes, but I know the only way to bring about change to the whole/collective is through change within individuals. I am willing. Are you?

sweet summer splendor

watermelon season

my favorite fruit of my favorite time of year

bringing a fond seasonal ritual to the warmer months

meticulously sorting through the crate 

hoping to go home with a prize melon

thumping the massive ovals

listening for the deepest resonance

searching for white bellies

and a rare stem still in tack 

this one is the best, I think

but I will not know for sure

until I have opened the treasure

the promising sounds of crisp and crunch  

as the knife enters, splitting the produce in half

deep red glistening in its own moisture

my taste buds watering in anticipation

Rejoicing! It is perfect!

sweet juice dripping down my hands and arms

leaving sticky spots on the floor

a late night snack 

having to pee in the middle of night

but oh, it is worth it!

sweet summer splendor

feel the power

I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I enjoy reality TV. Although “reality” is arguably a misnomer for these shows, I am intrigued and hooked by the opportunity to observe human choices, emotions and behavior in process. 

I was deeply moved last night witnessing the transformation in Lee DeWyze on American Idol. At the start of the season, Lee seemed to be the most nervous and insecure contestant. Last night, in his eyes, in his body language and demeanor, and in his energy, Lee was present in his authentic power; he embodied his passion and gifts, and he was in the flow of manifesting his dreams into reality. His belief in himself was tangible, as was his gratitude. Lee felt his greatness to the core. To witness and experience such a profound and beautiful energetic shift in another, enriches me. I celebrate him, and I am grateful for the reminder that it is possible for each and every one of us to embrace our inherent gifts, allowing us to evolve into our own unique greatness.

Last night, I had two dreams that related to my future without kids at home. Both dreams were full of anxiety, doubt in myself, and excuses to not start anew based on my age, lack of energy and excitement, and the sheer difficulty of setting out in a new direction.

My intent and focus is to create work/play that enhances me and others. I have begun to visualize what my new path may look like. But I also know that the fuel for creation is our feelings. It is blatantly clear from my dreams that my feelings at this moment are seeded in fear: the limitations of resistance, doubt and excuses. Not only am I without fuel, but I have a broken engine!

Thank you Lee DeWyze for role modeling a journey from insecurity to empowerment. I intend to bring super-fuel power feelings to my new phase of life.

what's next?

This last week or two, there has been a steady stream of college kids returning home for the summer. Northwestern is on the quarter system, which starts and ends a month later than semester-oriented schools, meaning Connor won’t be home for a few more weeks. And Mason is gone for 8 days dancing with a contemporary company that is performing 3 shows in NYC next Saturday. (Yes, he is missing the second to the last week of school and returns for finals; yes, we are crazy; yes, it is taking every ounce of restraint that I possess to keep from flying to NYC to watch him!)

The vibe in our house was different when Connor went off to college. It took some time to get used to, and to adjust to.  With Mason away, I am getting a brief preview of what our family dynamic will be like in a little over a year when he leaves home. 

I have spent the last 18+ years as a stay-at-home mother. Taking care of my family has been my job, a job that I have cherished.  Thank goodness Gracie will still have her high school years ahead of her when Mason graduates. But then the parents will outnumber the kids at home, and a short year and half later she will get her driver’s license and before I know it, the day to day demands of my job will be obsolete.

Soon my life will be very different.  Am I ready? I don’t know. I do know it is going to happen anyway. It feels scary to me. But change has always felt scary to me. 

This phase of life, of creating a family and child-rearing, has been sacred. I am so humbled and blessed by the beautiful souls who chose me and Trey to guide and support them through the ups and downs of life. I have learned more and grown more through my role as mother, than I have in any other role or relationship. And though I will always be a mother, my “mothering” phase of life is coming to a close. It is time for me to begin the transition into a new role and a new phase of life.

Ironically, last night, Trey dreamed that I was very pregnant. In reality, I feel like I am about to birth a new phase of my life. Just not sure what it will be yet. I do have the framework for what I would like to create though:

I hope to create a role, a job, a purpose, for myself that is fulfilling and enriching and sacred. I hope to grow and evolve from this new role. I hope to tap into my creative juices and powers and energy and make a positive difference in this world. I hope to have a blast in my second half of life!

I have much left to give to this world. Spirit, please lead me there.