a few hours of hell

Unusual morning. Received a call from the study abroad program (ISA) at about 10am asking if we have heard from Connor recently. We haven’t. They informed me that she traveled this last weekend with other kids from the program and didn’t return with them on Sunday night. She wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to travel on the bus for 4 hours back to San Jose. However, she did not show up for classes today (Tuesday) and she has not contacted anyone by phone or internet. When they called the hotel, they were informed that Connor checked out yesterday (Monday) morning and she did not leave any forwarding information. 

Oh my God! This did not sound good at all. 

Three stressful hours later, ISA called us to say that Connor had called their office, she was safe but not feeling well, and that she was catching a bus back to San Jose this evening. Thank God. I then allowed myself to break down and sob.

I feel the need to vent and release the emotional and physical trauma of this day so that it doesn’t get stuck in my body and energy. Please excuse my rambling.

When I hung up from the notification call, I immediately went into a quasi-shock. It felt like my body and mind went numb or closed down or went into lock down. I didn’t cry or panic. Everything felt fuzzy. My mind went blank and I had to decide to think. Went downstairs to tell Trey that Connor was MIA. Then we both were in shock. We discussed different scenarios and possibilities from the best to the worst. Really hoping that she was just rude and inconsiderate by not letting host family and program know where she was. Called credit card company to see if any charges since checking out of hotel. Yes! There was a charge at 4:30pm yesterday in the same town. Called program to let them know. They were in the process of calling every hotel in the town, the police, the hospital, the American Embassy.... Really hoping I would have the opportunity to be angry at her because of her poor decision making. 

Gathered Grace, Mason, and Trey and the four of us sat in a circle holding hands. We first released any and all negative feelings that we were feeling towards Connor, like judgment, frustration and anger, and then visualized our individual and collective light connecting and communicating with her. None of us sensed that anything bad had happened to her. Mason strongly felt that she was sick and hanging out till she felt better. We instructed her, while also visualizing, to call the program or her host family. My repetitive mantra to her was “call ISA.” We asked God/Spirit for helpful and safe people to surround her. 

When we were done, Grace asked, “Mom, why don’t you just talk to God?” I told her that we all can talk to God and that is what we were just doing. I also told her that when I am emotionally involved, I am not as clear on what I receive. The flip side of being emotionally attached though, which I didn’t share, is that my ability to connect, to focus and direct my power, and to visualize into reality, are all amazingly powerful because my feelings are deep, intense and authentic.

We decided not to project ahead with various “what if’s,” like “What if we don’t hear from Connor by the end of the day?” because we realized that we would end up suffering the possibilities. Each of us tried to proceed with our day like normal. When I found my mind drifting to the tragic possibilities, I stopped thinking. Trey described it well when he said that he felt like he was hanging out above himself to keep from thinking about the worst case scenario. I was hanging out up there too just watching myself go through the motions. The one thought I’d get stuck on though was that I had blogged yesterday about death and while writing it was wondering why death was on my mind.

Pure relief when we got the call that Connor had contacted ISA. I went out into our front yard, kneeled in the grass and bawled until there were no more tears. Relief and gratitude. 

Grace doesn’t believe that our family circle played any part in Connor calling the program. To her, it was coincidence because she believes Connor would have called anyway. Maybe a seed has been planted for Gracie to recognize the possibilities and her power...? When I gathered our family, I wan’t thinking “teaching tool for Gracie.” My heart simply understood that we each deeply love Connor and that the power of prayer and creation is magnified in numbers. 

I love my older daughter with all of my being. She put our family, her host family and ISA through hell today though.