can we dialogue about our sexuality?

This last week in a nearby community, the body of a 12 year old girl missing since March was discovered in a ditch. Her name is Kayleah. A day or two later, an 18 year old male was arrested for having had sex with Kayleah, a 6th grader. (The male was not arrested for her murder, and I am not making an assumption or judgment that he is the murderer.)

Call me naive, or maybe comfortable with denial, but until this tragedy, it never dawned on me that most abductions and murders of females are about sexual predation. I assumed that “murderers” are motivated by a deviated propensity to commit murder, rather than by an addiction to exploitative sex. It is not difficult to see how the radically aggressive and violent energy of these sexual crimes could lead to and end with murder, whether or not it was the original intent of the predator.

These types of horrific scenarios have occurred for generations, throughout history. In the not too distant past, it was easier for the predator to get away with it. Now with DNA testing and other forensic advancements, it is much more likely that the offender will be caught, but sexually-motivated crimes continue anyway.

I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or sex therapist, yet I feel driven to encourage discussion in our society about sexuality. It is the responsibility of parents to mirror and teach healthy sexual identities, relationships and expression to our children. One of the problems is that we adults have not been taught those things ourselves, making it more more difficult to enlighten our children. However, many of us, including myself, have been active sexually for generally as long as we have been driving. We each have experienced our own journey on the sexual path, and most of us know the difference between healthy, functional sexuality and unhealthy, dysfunctional sexuality. We have experiences, we have understanding and knowledge, and we have wisdom to share. 

The sexual revolution helped bring sexuality out of the darkness and into the light, but further strides are necessary. Addiction to pornography is pervasive, sex trafficking continues, and statistics indicate that in our country 1 in 4 females, and 1 in 6 males, are sexually abused before the age of 18. To me, the interconnection between dysfunctional sexuality with crime, abuse and oppression is mind-boggling and overwhelming. Societally, it is clear that we are still missing the boat.

There is a wide spectrum of sexual abuse. And although women also can be sexually abusive, the stronger male sexual drive translates into the majority of abusers being male. Our fathers and brothers and sons are not born with a defective gene causing them to manipulate sexual power over another. Rather, they, and we females, are born into a world that I believe is grossly immature and unenlightened in its understanding of sexual energy.

We require our youth to educate their minds so that they can eventually go out into the world and be productive members of society. Where and how are our youth and teenagers being educated about their innate sexual drive and expression so that they can go out into the world and create healthy sexual relationships? What are we choosing to create with our reluctance to acknowledge our sexuality much beyond the uncomfortable “birds and the bees” discussion, or beyond our clinical advice of “abstain” or “practice safe sex?” Honestly, our blindness in this area is illogical and startling, and potentially dangerous. 

Change can take lifetimes, but I know the only way to bring about change to the whole/collective is through change within individuals. I am willing. Are you?