the challenge of trusting

Do I trust Spirit/the Universe...to help me achieve my dreams?...to bring the experiences to me that I need for growth to greater love?...that even the negative and painful experiences serve my highest good and purpose?...to support me and love me?

My immediate response to all of these questions is a resounding “Yes, always and in all ways!”

But, do I really? 

There have been time periods in my adult life when I believe I was in total trust of Spirit. In other times, though, my trust has been more in theory than in reality.

Recently, I have observed myself attempting to control the happenings in my life and in my children’s. My need to control is a clear sign to me that I am not fully trusting the Universe to serve my or my child’s highest good. I believe that I am a co-creator with the Universe with every single experience in my life. Right now, though, the line between creation and control is fuzzy. I admit I am confused.

I also believe every life will involve a combination of positive experiences and negative experiences. Three of the most challenging experiences in my life were the deaths of my two brothers and of my friend Erin. Through each of these experiences, I felt the presence of God profoundly. Many of us are familiar with the story of “Footprints in the Sand.” Well, God/love literally carried me through those times.

Yet, I can also share with you three other struggles in my life when I felt completely abandoned by Spirit, and still do.

My childhood - Although I believe that I played a part in choosing my family, I don’t understand how Spirit could place me in the craziness and fear of my family without, and this is the part that causes me to doubt Spirit, without giving me a single lifeline or relationship that reflected to me that I am love and worthy of love. 

When we are children, we form our identity and view of self from the reflection and feedback of our environment. The picture in my mind that symbolizes the mold of my view of self is a deep hole dug into the dirt and at the bottom is unworthiness, rejection, abandonment, shame, guilt, responsibility, distrust, fear. I have spent my entire lifetime digging my fingers and toes into the slippery and crumbly dirt wall, doing my best to climb out of this pit. 

My book - I had a profound supernatural awakening experience in May of 1996. Spirit directly informed me that I was to write a book about it. I had so many fears, insecurities, and doubts surrounding writing a book that it was almost humorous/absurd I was even asked! I never wanted to write a book, or imagined I would. I did not see myself as a good writer. Because of my childhood, I preferred calming the waters, rather than stirring them up, as the topic of my book would do! And one of my greatest fears in life was public speaking, which I would have to do to promote the book.

But I did as I was asked, mainly because I could not fathom saying “no” to Spirit, especially after the incredible gift of awakening that I was just given. When it was all said and done, it felt like a colossal failure: I had spent years of my life writing this book, and within it, bearing my soul, and then it was not well received; one of my dearest friendships ended through the process of self-publishing and marketing the book; and, Trey and I lost 10’s of thousands of dollars. How could this be? I acquiesced to Spirit’s request. Shouldn’t Spirit have supported me in return?

My depression - Not long after we gave up on the book, I gave up on life. I went into a depression for a little over a year. Around the same time, I was diagnosed with hypothyroid and became menopausal. (The “chicken or the egg” cause and effect is unclear to me.) The most fearful time of my adult life was when I came out of the depression. Would the darkness come and take me away again? All the things that I feared so intensely that caused me to check out, numb out, close down...were still there. In a twisted way, reverting back to the auto-pilot of depression seemed easier than living consciously. And the self-judgment and guilt for choosing, falling into, allowing the depression, knowing all that I knew about our essence and journey on earth, having literally left my body and stood before Christ Consciousness, was unbearable. In this moment of writing about it, the shame and guilt are overwhelming. 

That year was a blur. I lost the frame of reference of time and of memories.The one memory I do have is nightmarish. I was sitting on a chair in my bedroom. Trey was on his knees in front of me. He was looking at me and speaking to me with complete focus and seriousness. I knew that he had been talking to me for some time, but I couldn’t remember what it was about. In that moment though, I heard him. He told me that he loved me with all of his being, and he begged me to come back to him. Behind some far away door of my being, I remembered the deep love we shared. But there was nothing in me to open the door. How could Spirit allow me to get so lost that there was a risk I would not find my way back again? 

I know that feeling abandoned by Spirit/the Universe completely undermines my ability to wholly trust in the Universe. I also know that the Universe is completely trustworthy and that my belief in abandonment is not real...it is false and an illusion. I just don’t know yet how to shine the light of truth on my experiences of abandonment.