what is my body trying to tell me?

Three weeks ago, my uterine fibroids triggered my uterus to bleed. Nine plus years have passed since my last period, and this is the second time in those nine years that my hormone replacement therapy (HRT) has caused my fibroids to grow and bring on bleeding that won’t stop until I decrease my hormones (estrogen) or get off them all together. The first time I had break through bleeding, I chose to get off HRT for 3 years, and I was miserable; nothing seemed to clear the fog that settled in my brain and I felt devoid of creative thought and ideas. Both my energy and my brain were dull and flat and robotic. In this moment, I am fearful of returning to that state of living without color or vibrancy or creativity. 

Is a hysterectomy the simple and obvious solution? On the one hand, it would allow me to take the dosage of HRT necessary to feel vibrant again. On the other hand, if I remove my uterus because it is overrun with fibroids, am I throwing the baby out with the bath water and discarding the salient guidance and lessons offered from my fibrous messengers? And potentially worse, if I choose to ignore my emotional beliefs that manifested these fibroids in the first place, might I manifest an even more malevolent disease or illness elsewhere in my body?

I do not yet know how I am going to proceed, and I do not intend to prematurely label one choice as right and the other wrong. I am simply exploring, and considering, and listening to the wisdom of my body and my intuition....

From The Secret Language of Your Body by Inna Segal...

Fibroid Tumors and Cysts -  Holding onto hurts and regrets from the past. Secretly wanting revenge. Feeling disempowered and victimised. Feeling forced into things you do not want to do. Nursing disappointments and failures from the past.

Uterus - Discounting the feminine aspect of self, holding on to old hurts and rejection, mother issues. Feeling depleted, ungrounded, unsupported, neglected and unbalanced. Over concern with other people’s problems. Lack of appreciation and nurturing for self. Constant need for approval.

Over the last few months, I have observed that I hold several of the negative beliefs that Segal lists as causing fibroids and uterine issues. 

~I have been dreaming of my childhood abuse, and even when awake, old memories have surfaced of victimization, and living in fear, and feeling disempowered and powerless to protect myself. 

~I am surprised at how often I still worry over my children, who are all grown and on their own journeys in life, even though I desire to wholly release them. 

~I have been overwhelmed in a couple of seemingly innocuous situations to the point where I went home and cried hysterically (so not typical of me), as if I was expressing fear that my body has held onto from trauma long ago. 

~Though twisted and nonsensical, I am seeing the anger I hold against myself, the little girl Jenice, who “could have/should have” done a better job at protecting herself and seeking help...and maybe I need to forgive her...or maybe I just need to love her....  

~And, I have been on a rollercoaster ride of a paradigm shift, paralleling the journeys of both of my daughters’ as well as a dear girlfriend’s, as I strive to stand in my own authentic power and embrace the divine feminine within me, that is me. 

I am grateful for my body’s urging to release past trauma and my body’s unwarranted fight or flight responses. I am grateful for this opportunity to step into the NOW of knowing that I am safe, that I am empowered, and that I am love and loved. 

Talk to me fibroids. Talk to me uterus. I am ready to listen.