self-destruction

my name is Jenice

I’m an addict 

of

unconscious self-critical thinking

looked in the mirror this morning

heart sank and stomach turned

at the sight of all my wrinkles

got dressed with the usual glance 

at my belly and daily thought

“I hate my fat stomach”

throughout the day

passing thoughts of

“shoulda and coulda done better”

fleeting thoughts not dwelled upon

yet in that moment

my body and energy and outlook

contract, harden, densify

today, for some reason,

awareness

the unconscious became conscious

with each negative thought

a vivid corresponding vision

I see me

shooting poisonous darts

into the organs and systems of my own body

self-destructing

like an addict unable to resist the next

drink, smoke, fix

the toxicity accumulating over time

and yet, I am also able to acknowledge

at times, I love my body!

often times, I love myself!

I would love to love my body and my Self

all of the time

just the way I am in the present moment

God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Amen.