power struggles

I have continued to focus on the idea of living more authentically and in my power. Of course, I am most fully me with family and close friends and in environments I deem “safe” to express myself. But I am observing in myself the tendency to hide behind a protective shield with other people and in normal day to day environments. Here are a few recent situations in my and my family’s lives that are helping me to realign how I live out in the world and define myself.

~At a recent Movement Mass, I completely went into myself and moved/danced more creatively, more openly, more from my heart and authentically than I have ever moved before. It was profound to experience movement without self-consciousness or limitation or boundaries. I was open and alive and in the moment and it felt as if I merged with the music. And then in the closing circle, women blatantly avoided standing next to me or holding my hand. I was devastated. I had believed that this was a safe environment and had let down my guard, and then I experienced rejection.

Over the next few days, I went through several stages before finding my power again: uncontrollable crying to release the hurt, questioning what I had done wrong and could do differently the next time, deciding to enter the Mass the next time friendlier and with the goal of connecting with others, and then anger at the idea that I had to win over others and seek their acceptance when we are all there to connect more deeply with ourselves and to experience ourselves more fully. Ultimately, I realized (remembered) that other people’s issues (and I can only guess what their issues were - jealousy, feeling threatened, thinking that I think that I am better than them?...who the hell knows!!) are their issues, not mine, and I don’t have to take them on or allow them to impact me. 

Through this experience, I also saw my own issues more clearly. Only shedding my protective shield in situations that I feel are safe shows me that I possess insecurity. Authentic power is pure no matter the environment, people or situation. I also struggle with the issue of rejection.  If I had been solidly in my power, I could have observed other’s issues without any correlation to me. Instead, their issues triggered mine! Funny how life works.

~This last weekend in LA, Mason had a similar experience to my Movement Mass one. His foundation was rattled when he learned that there are a couple of young choreographers in LA that don’t like him, spreading rumors that he is arrogant and a jerk, yet they don’t even know him. Although we have learned from friends already in LA that there is a lot of drama and pettiness in the dance scene, Mason was shaken by the idea that his name and reputation are being tarnished and he doesn’t even live there yet! Mason is a sensitive soul, and believe me, the farthest thing from arrogant. My advice to him is just to continue working hard and to be himself and there will be people mature enough to see him for who and what he is. If some people judge him without knowing him, that is their issue, not his.  (Of course, I am teaching what I need to learn!)

~We are filing bankruptcy soon. Not too long ago, I would have struggled with sharing this situation with others because of the negative stigmas of shame and embarrassment. Yet, I know that my husband and I are good, honest people who have been tripped up by a poor economy. The bank who loaned Trey the money for his investment business has categorized him as a bad guy. And I am guessing that there will be a lot more of that within the bankruptcy proceedings. This is a wonderful opportunity, though not a fun one, for us to practice staying centered, grounded and solid in the knowing of who we are at the core.

No doubt, the journey to authentic power to be continued....