fear amnesia

 Just spent four days with Trey in the Florida Keys celebrating my 50th birthday. It was awesome to have carefree relaxed time with my hubby at a beautiful and warm ocean spot. We easily slipped back into that space, so accessible before kids but rarer now, of spaciousness and lightness with each other - no time restraints, responsibilities, work or kid demands to dilute or distract our just being present with each other. Like new lovers again, I felt refreshed and rejuvenated with the giggles and the flirting and the gratitude and the romance that naturally surfaced.

At one point, I was surprised by my strong emotional response to Trey’s comment that I would be 50 the next day. I immediately shifted from smiles to uncontrollable tears. I knew my sadness wasn’t about age, but to this point I had ignored what I was really afraid of.

I always wanted to be a mom, and a good one. My two older children are basically starting their independent lives and I am facing what to do with myself in my “second half” of life. Not only am I not ready for my mothering role to be nearing its end, I also have no frickin’ idea what my next role is or looks like. I have never possessed the awareness of what my next purpose is after being a mom. It scares me to the core that I may never be or do anything else of value and that I might settle and waste away the rest of my life. This fear was/is eating away at me.

I was in the strangle-hold of fear and its accompanying confusion and desperation. With the help of Trey’s supportive and calm voice of reason, I was able to explore my pain, rather than stuff it again, and to eventually put words to my fear so that I could rationally understand it. What I discovered is that I was suffering from “fear amnesia!” When in fear, I forget what I have experienced and know to be true. In fear, I lose my knowing and my faith.

I know that God/Spirit is always with me. I know that all I have to do is ask God/Spirit to guide me to my next purpose and it will flow to me in the perfect time. Why would I ever believe that God/Spirit would abandon me for the second half of my life?! Fear amnesia. Now, when I feel my chest tightening, the knot of panic in my gut, and the wave of confusion in my brain, I turn to the mantra, “God is with me. I am not alone.” Faith is the light that dissipates the fogginess and the darkness that fear brings to the soul.