two different persons?

Today, Connor, my older daughter, engaged me in a conversation about death. Death was on her mind because the former step-father of a close friend recently committed suicide. We talked about whether the essence of a soul continues through lifetimes in tack or whether it merges with collective consciousness and then splits from the collective as a totally new soul to transition into a new life in this realm. We talked about  past life relationships that we are aware of between the members of our family. Our conversation was comfortable and natural as if we were talking about the weather.  And then at the end of our conversation, she made a comment that stuck with me. She said that I am like two different people to her: with our family I confidently share my spirituality, my experiences and communications with Spirit, my learning and my wisdom, but outside of our family, I don’t. She told me that the way I present myself to the world and live in this world is as if I am afraid of my own power. 

Ouch! And yet, I know she is right. I don’t know why I continue to validate my ego’s list of excuses and defenses that keep me from sharing myself fully. My ego loves an audience so entertain me for a moment as I express the drama of some of my fears!

-I was 35 years old when I had my “awakening” experience in which I left my body and went to the light realm and stood before Christ Consciousness. I also began to communicate directly with my guides and with my deceased brother Craig, and I was able to “see” through my third eye. Yes, this was all beyond amazing, but I had spent my entire life within the confines of organized religion and I didn’t have any foundation or mentors for guidance on how to weave these new experiences and broader understandings into my day to day life or into my relationships with those outside my family. 

-Though I can be strong and stubborn and opinionated at times (usually alcohol induced!), my personality is soft and gentle and reserved and and conflict-averse and private. It is not in me to be pushy and I have no desire to convince or persuade anyone into my beliefs.

-I have past life memories of persecution for sharing my intuitive/psychic gifts and wisdom.

-People will just think I am crazy. People will be afraid of me. People will think that I am a cohort with the devil (a few friends and family actually said so at first!).

I long to live and express myself authentically in this world, the way I do in the safety of my home with my husband and children. This blog is a step in the right direction, but I acknowledge it is a baby step because it is an indirect faceless interaction/sharing and I still find myself refraining from sharing some things in fear that they will be perceived as too out there.

I have lived my life focused on personal growth and improvement and, since my awakening, higher consciousness and evolution, that is, becoming, embracing, being greater love. Connor’s constructive criticism today helped me to see that I have created my home and family as my safe isolated “monastery” or “ashram.” A big part of my journey now is to walk out my front door with my monk robe still on!